My husband thinks I am his secretary

[Anonymous]

I think this is partially my fault...

We are both early 30's, no kids. My job is not as demanding as his job, but I still have a lot on my plate. Nevertheless, because being helpful is my nature, I started taking over most of our life logistics; bill pay, car maintenance, grocery shopping, etc.

He has gotten very used to this, and now really tries to dump as much as possible on me. For example, he had work trip and for some reason a parking meter wasn't taking his work credit card, so he used one of our personal cards. He then messaged me asking me to send him the statement so he could submit it for reimbursement. He got annoyed with me when I sent him the login details to the credit card instead (which I have given him in the past and in my opinion he should save and use as needed).

How did I let this happen? How do I get out of it? Gahhhh.

[Anonymous]

Instead of being passive about it (sending him the login) have an actual conversation with him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think this is partially my fault...

We are both early 30's, no kids. My job is not as demanding as his job, but I still have a lot on my plate. Nevertheless, because being helpful is my nature, I started taking over most of our life logistics; bill pay, car maintenance, grocery shopping, etc.

He has gotten very used to this, and now really tries to dump as much as possible on me. For example, he had work trip and for some reason a parking meter wasn't taking his work credit card, so he used one of our personal cards. He then messaged me asking me to send him the statement so he could submit it for reimbursement. He got annoyed with me when I sent him the login details to the credit card instead (which I have given him in the past and in my opinion he should save and use as needed).

How did I let this happen? How do I get out of it? Gahhhh.

You tell him that.

"Steve, I feel like because my job isn't as demanding as your job, you rely on me to take care of administrative details. While I'm happy to do some of that, I'm not your secretary, and I need you to take responsibility for things that you have access to. There's no reason that you shouldn't be able to log into our credit card and print a statement yourself, for example."

[Anonymous]

Just drop a few things and let him deal with it.

[Anonymous]

Oh this is totally my life. By nature, I'm uber-organized and see things through. DH not so much, and 20 years later even worse. By default and to get anything accomplished, I'm the main administrative person in the house. I'll push back from time to time when I get fed up: "Really? The checkbook has been in the same place for 15 years -- you can find it and write the check you need!" But then I'll think of the things he takes care of without my asking and I don't have to worry about, thinks like appliance repairs, house maintenance, doing nearly all the lawn work, car maintenance, etc. and I let it go.

[Anonymous]

You need a script, OP?

"Stop dumping all your stuff on me. I've been trying to be helpful for a long time but it all stops now, since you're not appreciative. Also, when we have kids, I don't want you to think I'm going to do stuff for you AND everything for the house, the cars, the kids and myself. Grow up."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Oh this is totally my life. By nature, I'm uber-organized and see things through. DH not so much, and 20 years later even worse. By default and to get anything accomplished, I'm the main administrative person in the house. I'll push back from time to time when I get fed up: "Really? The checkbook has been in the same place for 15 years -- you can find it and write the check you need!" But then I'll think of the things he takes care of without my asking and I don't have to worry about, thinks like appliance repairs, house maintenance, doing nearly all the lawn work, car maintenance, etc. and I let it go.

+1. When I read these "division of labor" threads, I always wonder if the DWs are fairly acknowledging the DH's contributions. I do a lot of the administrative and calendar keeping. I do most of the laundry and cooking. However, in 20 years of marriage, I have never taken out any trash, done any significant yard work, taken a dog to the vet or taken the boys for a haircut. I have also never taken in a car for maintenance.

Here is the thing for me. Division of labor does not mean we do the same things equally or even that we do the same things at all. There are a lot of chores that are needed to make a house function. I am fine dong the things I do because I know he is going to the things on his roster. Together, we make our house run.

[Anonymous]

OP here. I acknowledge what my husband does but he really does very little apart from his job. I am trying to address this now before we have kids. I am going to stop doing as much even if it means it goes undone for a time while he figures it out/gets around to it. I don't want to hate him once we have kids because I feel utterly exhausted.

I will say that he is a very loving and emotionally supportive guy who has encouraged me in various positive ways. So he doesn't suck over all he just believes on some level that his time is more important than mine and that has to change.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I acknowledge what my husband does but he really does very little apart from his job. I am trying to address this now before we have kids. I am going to stop doing as much even if it means it goes undone for a time while he figures it out/gets around to it. I don't want to hate him once we have kids because I feel utterly exhausted.

I will say that he is a very loving and emotionally supportive guy who has encouraged me in various positive ways. So he doesn't suck over all he just believes on some level that his time is more important than mine and that has to change.

Delegate some chores to him--like car maintenance, trash, and other manly stuff. I take care of all the bills and other admin stuff at the house, because my DH is horrible at it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I acknowledge what my husband does but he really does very little apart from his job. I am trying to address this now before we have kids. I am going to stop doing as much even if it means it goes undone for a time while he figures it out/gets around to it. I don't want to hate him once we have kids because I feel utterly exhausted.

I will say that he is a very loving and emotionally supportive guy who has encouraged me in various positive ways. So he doesn't suck over all he just believes on some level that his time is more important than mine and that has to change.

You don't need to let stuff go undone. What you do need to do is acquaint your husband with what's really going on, domestic labor-wise, so that he actually understands that.

For example, at my house, there are a number of fixed weekly/monthly tasks. We have 3 cats who need food (wet and dry). We have a baby who needs diapers in the appropriate size. My husband is completely clueless as to where any of these things come from. In his mind, they just materialize at our house in boxes or bags out of thin air. The reality is that I am the one who created and manages the subscriptions for the stuff we get from Amazon and orders the groceries based on a plan of what we'll eat this week. He recently expressed interest in lightening my load, so we sat down, and I explained that on Sunday afternoon, I plan the meals for the week, order stuff from Peapod to arrive on Monday evening, and then spend Monday evening basically dividing things into meal ingredient packages. I explained that I pay the utilities mid-month and the rent at the beginning of the month. While we were sitting there, he explained that he puts premium gas in our car and that he checks the fluid levels once a month and gets it washed once a month. He pointed out that a couple months ago, he researched fiber internet vs. the cable that we used to have and got us a better package, which is why we have a different router. We discussed whether we felt like it was necessary to continue the cleaning service we have and what other chores need to happen around the house so that neither of us goes crazy from clutter.

If you want to create a more equal division of labor, you both need to know what needs to happen and then you both have to have input as to when those things happen and who does what. Then we also communicate about these things. Sure, it makes for boring conversation ("Hey, DD went up a size, so if there are any size 1 diapers left, we should use them ASAP or give them to a friend" or "Hey, can you order laundry detergent, we're running low"), but it's better than having one person know everything and be resentful when the other person knows nothing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I acknowledge what my husband does but he really does very little apart from his job. I am trying to address this now before we have kids. I am going to stop doing as much even if it means it goes undone for a time while he figures it out/gets around to it. I don't want to hate him once we have kids because I feel utterly exhausted.

I will say that he is a very loving and emotionally supportive guy who has encouraged me in various positive ways. So he doesn't suck over all he just believes on some level that his time is more important than mine and that has to change.

Read the other thread about "my husband is working less but not picking up at home" (that's the jist).

Fix this before you have kids--and before you start trying, point out to him that you could be pretty much go to work and that's it for a lot of first trimester, meaning a lot will fall to him. And that will happen again when you have a newborn.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Oh this is totally my life. By nature, I'm uber-organized and see things through. DH not so much, and 20 years later even worse. By default and to get anything accomplished, I'm the main administrative person in the house. I'll push back from time to time when I get fed up: "Really? The checkbook has been in the same place for 15 years -- you can find it and write the check you need!" But then I'll think of the things he takes care of without my asking and I don't have to worry about, thinks like appliance repairs, house maintenance, doing nearly all the lawn work, car maintenance, etc. and I let it go.

+1. When I read these "division of labor" threads, I always wonder if the DWs are fairly acknowledging the DH's contributions. I do a lot of the administrative and calendar keeping. I do most of the laundry and cooking. However, in 20 years of marriage, I have never taken out any trash, done any significant yard work, taken a dog to the vet or taken the boys for a haircut. I have also never taken in a car for maintenance.

Here is the thing for me. Division of labor does not mean we do the same things equally or even that we do the same things at all. There are a lot of chores that are needed to make a house function. I am fine dong the things I do because I know he is going to the things on his roster. Together, we make our house run.

+a million.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I acknowledge what my husband does but he really does very little apart from his job. I am trying to address this now before we have kids. I am going to stop doing as much even if it means it goes undone for a time while he figures it out/gets around to it. I don't want to hate him once we have kids because I feel utterly exhausted.

I will say that he is a very loving and emotionally supportive guy who has encouraged me in various positive ways. So he doesn't suck over all he just believes on some level that his time is more important than mine and that has to change.

We know, we know. You are right to address this right now, because the mental burden of thinking about everything, let alone doing it, will gradually increase until you go insane.
BTDT.

[Anonymous]

Op, I hear you. When our kids were young, DH walked them to the bus in the AM and I did pickup in the PM. One day he called me from the bus stop to tell me that the bus was late and could I call the school to let them know and find out what he should do. Instead of calling the school directly. WTF?! Biggest man child moment ever.