Reply to My husband thinks I am his secretary

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]OP here. I acknowledge what my husband does but he really does very little apart from his job. I am trying to address this now before we have kids. I am going to stop doing as much even if it means it goes undone for a time while he figures it out/gets around to it. I don't want to hate him once we have kids because I feel utterly exhausted.

I will say that he is a very loving and emotionally supportive guy who has encouraged me in various positive ways. So he doesn't suck over all he just believes on some level that his time is more important than mine and that has to change. [/quote]

You don't need to let stuff go undone. What you do need to do is acquaint your husband with what's really going on, domestic labor-wise, so that he actually understands that.

For example, at my house, there are a number of fixed weekly/monthly tasks. We have 3 cats who need food (wet and dry). We have a baby who needs diapers in the appropriate size. My husband is completely clueless as to where any of these things come from. In his mind, they just materialize at our house in boxes or bags out of thin air. The reality is that I am the one who created and manages the subscriptions for the stuff we get from Amazon and orders the groceries based on a plan of what we'll eat this week. He recently expressed interest in lightening my load, so we sat down, and I explained that on Sunday afternoon, I plan the meals for the week, order stuff from Peapod to arrive on Monday evening, and then spend Monday evening basically dividing things into meal ingredient packages. I explained that I pay the utilities mid-month and the rent at the beginning of the month. While we were sitting there, he explained that he puts premium gas in our car and that he checks the fluid levels once a month and gets it washed once a month. He pointed out that a couple months ago, he researched fiber internet vs. the cable that we used to have and got us a better package, which is why we have a different router. We discussed whether we felt like it was necessary to continue the cleaning service we have and what other chores need to happen around the house so that neither of us goes crazy from clutter.

If you want to create a more equal division of labor, you both need to know what needs to happen and then you both have to have input as to when those things happen and who does what. Then we also communicate about these things. Sure, it makes for boring conversation ("Hey, DD went up a size, so if there are any size 1 diapers left, we should use them ASAP or give them to a friend" or "Hey, can you order laundry detergent, we're running low"), but it's better than having one person know everything and be resentful when the other person knows nothing.[/quote]

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