How are you preventing your parents divorce from impacting your marriage?

[Anonymous]

It's a huge fear and it feels like I'm seeing signs of their troubles in my own marriage. DH is so blasé about it, he thinks everything is related to stress and a tough phase in life. He doesn't have any concern our marriage, which gives him the out to not have to open up. He's disconnected and unhappy.

But I saw my two stressed out parents ruin their marriage and lives. They had a particularly horrendous divorce after 20 years of marriage, nothing happened other than regular wear and tear on a relationship. Now I can look back and understand why my childhood was so intense. I don't want to make those mistakes. DH doesn't believe our current problems are that severe. I feel like we are walking down a path that eventually we'll disconnect enough that divorce becomes the easier choice than staying together.

Does it sound like i'm being hyper-sensitive? I literally have no childhood friends who's parents are divorced. I didn't realize this until after I had a child, but I've never had anyone I can relate to about this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's a huge fear and it feels like I'm seeing signs of their troubles in my own marriage. DH is so blasé about it, he thinks everything is related to stress and a tough phase in life. He doesn't have any concern our marriage, which gives him the out to not have to open up. He's disconnected and unhappy.

But I saw my two stressed out parents ruin their marriage and lives. They had a particularly horrendous divorce after 20 years of marriage, nothing happened other than regular wear and tear on a relationship. Now I can look back and understand why my childhood was so intense. I don't want to make those mistakes. DH doesn't believe our current problems are that severe. I feel like we are walking down a path that eventually we'll disconnect enough that divorce becomes the easier choice than staying together.

Does it sound like i'm being hyper-sensitive? I literally have no childhood friends who's parents are divorced. I didn't realize this until after I had a child, but I've never had anyone I can relate to about this.

Didn't you mean aren't? Or are?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's a huge fear and it feels like I'm seeing signs of their troubles in my own marriage. DH is so blasé about it, he thinks everything is related to stress and a tough phase in life. He doesn't have any concern our marriage, which gives him the out to not have to open up. He's disconnected and unhappy.

But I saw my two stressed out parents ruin their marriage and lives. They had a particularly horrendous divorce after 20 years of marriage, nothing happened other than regular wear and tear on a relationship. Now I can look back and understand why my childhood was so intense. I don't want to make those mistakes. DH doesn't believe our current problems are that severe. I feel like we are walking down a path that eventually we'll disconnect enough that divorce becomes the easier choice than staying together.

Does it sound like i'm being hyper-sensitive? I literally have no childhood friends who's parents are divorced. I didn't realize this until after I had a child, but I've never had anyone I can relate to about this.

Didn't you mean aren't? Or are?

I see what I did there, that is confusing.

All of my childhood friend's parents are still married to each other.

[Anonymous]

Your parents’ divorce WILL impact your marriage because that is an experience in your life. But impacting is not the same as torpedoing.

Your choice is to either REACT when triggered by something (and yes you sound like you are triggered when everyday disappointments arise) or RESPOND instead, taking into consideration your likely bias to see everyday stressors as a big picture threat.

Take an inventory of yourself. You may be very conflict avoidant. You will have more success getting your DH to take an inventory of himself if you show him how it’s done. For example, you could say, “I’m still worried that the fight we had two days ago has chipped away at our trust. I know that I see a permanent impact of our fights, although you see things as just a temporary blip. But I am bothered a lot and I’m afraid to bring up something else that we need to resolve because I don’t want more conflict.” Something like that - im guessing here.

Btw other people’s parents staying together WILL impact their marriage too, and if the impact is unexamined, it could be detrimental too. Maybe someone thinks that divorce happens to ‘other’ people and they are overly dismissive of real problems, until their marriage crumbles. The problem is not that your parents divorced. The only problem is if you aren’t self-aware about all the good and bad baggage we each bring into relationships.

[Anonymous]

I spend absolutely zero energy thinking about my parents divorce 25 years ago. I've been happily married for 17 years and plan to stay that way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your parents’ divorce WILL impact your marriage because that is an experience in your life. But impacting is not the same as torpedoing.

Your choice is to either REACT when triggered by something (and yes you sound like you are triggered when everyday disappointments arise) or RESPOND instead, taking into consideration your likely bias to see everyday stressors as a big picture threat.

Take an inventory of yourself. You may be very conflict avoidant. You will have more success getting your DH to take an inventory of himself if you show him how it’s done. For example, you could say, “I’m still worried that the fight we had two days ago has chipped away at our trust. I know that I see a permanent impact of our fights, although you see things as just a temporary blip. But I am bothered a lot and I’m afraid to bring up something else that we need to resolve because I don’t want more conflict.” Something like that - im guessing here.

Btw other people’s parents staying together WILL impact their marriage too, and if the impact is unexamined, it could be detrimental too. Maybe someone thinks that divorce happens to ‘other’ people and they are overly dismissive of real problems, until their marriage crumbles. The problem is not that your parents divorced. The only problem is if you aren’t self-aware about all the good and bad baggage we each bring into relationships.

Thank you, this is helpful. -OP

[Anonymous]

My parents divorced when I was young and it was awful. My childhood was miserable, both before and after the divorce.

I remind myself regularly how much I love my kids and that one of my goals is to give them a loving, stable home with two parents who really love each other. (This isn’t a bash on single parent homes or divorce. It’s just my own personal goal.) That motivates me to work really hard at my marriage.

[Anonymous]

If anything, my parents' divorce demonstrated to me that life goes on and "kids of divorce" can be very very happy and step-families add a whole lot of love to their lives.

I worry that I feel too comfortable with divorce if I should ever feel I need one.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your parents’ divorce WILL impact your marriage because that is an experience in your life. But impacting is not the same as torpedoing.

Your choice is to either REACT when triggered by something (and yes you sound like you are triggered when everyday disappointments arise) or RESPOND instead, taking into consideration your likely bias to see everyday stressors as a big picture threat.

Take an inventory of yourself. You may be very conflict avoidant. You will have more success getting your DH to take an inventory of himself if you show him how it’s done. For example, you could say, “I’m still worried that the fight we had two days ago has chipped away at our trust. I know that I see a permanent impact of our fights, although you see things as just a temporary blip. But I am bothered a lot and I’m afraid to bring up something else that we need to resolve because I don’t want more conflict.” Something like that - im guessing here.

Btw other people’s parents staying together WILL impact their marriage too, and if the impact is unexamined, it could be detrimental too. Maybe someone thinks that divorce happens to ‘other’ people and they are overly dismissive of real problems, until their marriage crumbles. The problem is not that your parents divorced. The only problem is if you aren’t self-aware about all the good and bad baggage we each bring into relationships.

+1. This is spot on. Both my parents divorced and DH's, though circumstances in those two marriages were vastly different as to why. Now DH and I are in counseling and while our problems are a different kind of hot mess from both our parents', the fact that we both come from "broken homes" affects how we handle conflict, stress, disappointment in and with each other. It can't NOT impact you, how you lived and what relationships you observed and experienced in your formative years shapes who you are today and how you approach problems (or joy or challenges or crises or anything!)

Some therapy for you alone might be helpful to learn to process whatever you experienced as a child. I did that a few years ago, as an adult, and it was such a benefit to understand how my childhood, my parents' nasty divorce, and my residual anger, guilt and disappointment informs how I react to anything as an adult (marriage, work, kids, etc.) You might find it useful, too. Also, keep in mind you, your life, your spouse, your marriage - all unique, and so your future need not be a reflection of your past. How you deal with these challenges is what will make a difference. Good luck to you and for your marriage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your parents’ divorce WILL impact your marriage because that is an experience in your life. But impacting is not the same as torpedoing.

Your choice is to either REACT when triggered by something (and yes you sound like you are triggered when everyday disappointments arise) or RESPOND instead, taking into consideration your likely bias to see everyday stressors as a big picture threat.

Take an inventory of yourself. You may be very conflict avoidant. You will have more success getting your DH to take an inventory of himself if you show him how it’s done. For example, you could say, “I’m still worried that the fight we had two days ago has chipped away at our trust. I know that I see a permanent impact of our fights, although you see things as just a temporary blip. But I am bothered a lot and I’m afraid to bring up something else that we need to resolve because I don’t want more conflict.” Something like that - im guessing here.

Btw other people’s parents staying together WILL impact their marriage too, and if the impact is unexamined, it could be detrimental too. Maybe someone thinks that divorce happens to ‘other’ people and they are overly dismissive of real problems, until their marriage crumbles. The problem is not that your parents divorced. The only problem is if you aren’t self-aware about all the good and bad baggage we each bring into relationships.

Thank you, this is helpful. -OP

This is very true and wise. I think the better question is how can my parents' relationship affect my marriage. Both mine and my DH's parents are married and I definitely communicate like my parents and DH communicates based upon what he experienced.