Reply to How are you preventing your parents divorce from impacting your marriage?

Forum Index » Relationship Discussion (non-explicit)

Reply to "How are you preventing your parents divorce from impacting your marriage?"

Subject:

Emoticons





More smilies

Text Color: Font: Close Marks

[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]Your parents’ divorce WILL impact your marriage because that is an experience in your life. But impacting is not the same as torpedoing.

Your choice is to either REACT when triggered by something (and yes you sound like you are triggered when everyday disappointments arise) or RESPOND instead, taking into consideration your likely bias to see everyday stressors as a big picture threat.

Take an inventory of yourself. You may be very conflict avoidant. You will have more success getting your DH to take an inventory of himself if you show him how it’s done. For example, you could say, “I’m still worried that the fight we had two days ago has chipped away at our trust. I know that I see a permanent impact of our fights, although you see things as just a temporary blip. But I am bothered a lot and I’m afraid to bring up something else that we need to resolve because I don’t want more conflict.” Something like that - im guessing here.

Btw other people’s parents staying together WILL impact their marriage too, and if the impact is unexamined, it could be detrimental too. Maybe someone thinks that divorce happens to ‘other’ people and they are overly dismissive of real problems, until their marriage crumbles. The problem is not that your parents divorced. The only problem is if you aren’t self-aware about all the good and bad baggage we each bring into relationships. [/quote]

+1. This is spot on. Both my parents divorced and DH's, though circumstances in those two marriages were vastly different as to why. Now DH and I are in counseling and while our problems are a different kind of hot mess from both our parents', the fact that we both come from "broken homes" affects how we handle conflict, stress, disappointment in and with each other. It can't NOT impact you, how you lived and what relationships you observed and experienced in your formative years shapes who you are today and how you approach problems (or joy or challenges or crises or anything!)

Some therapy for you alone might be helpful to learn to process whatever you experienced as a child. I did that a few years ago, as an adult, and it was such a benefit to understand how my childhood, my parents' nasty divorce, and my residual anger, guilt and disappointment informs how I react to anything as an adult (marriage, work, kids, etc.) You might find it useful, too. Also, keep in mind you, your life, your spouse, your marriage - all unique, and so your future need not be a reflection of your past. How you deal with these challenges is what will make a difference. Good luck to you and for your marriage.[/quote]

Options

	Disable HTML in this message
	Disable BB Code in this message
	Disable smilies in this message

Review message

Search Recent Topics Hottest Topics