Love of my life is a functioning alcoholic
![[Post New]](/jforum/templates/default/images/icon_minipost_new.gif){kind=icon}
Anonymous
|
Boyfriend and I are in our early thirties and are like two peas in a pod. We adore each other, take care of each other, and support each other. We laugh, have fun, have a great sex life, respect each other, and overall have a wonderful relationship. We've been together for two years.
My boyfriend is a highly educated professional who's well-respected in his field. He has a ton of adoring friends and a loving family. Recently we have discussed marriage. But here's the thing: my boyfriend is an alcoholic. He doesn't get wildly drunk, but he drinks every day. He has a drink before going to work and drinks a few throughout the day. He was sober for four months last year and his personality stayed the same - easygoing and cheerful - but he really threw himself into his work, working 12 - 14 hours a day, and a lot on the weekends. He treats me like gold, has never raised his voice, pays his bills, is organized, is well-liked. As far as I'm concerned, he's perfect outside of the drinking. I am at a loss. I have never had a relationship that even comes close to this. Would it really be so terrible to marry him?? |
Anonymous
|
Aside from a job...there is zero stress in his life. Marry him, live together a year, two years etc and watch the stresses his life morph into resentment against you.
- Why'd you make do this expensive wedding? - We didn't need a house? - God, I hate the suburbs - Can you shut up that screaming kid? He literally has no reason to be angry with or at you right now or at anything in his life - yet he's already drinking 5-7 times a day. |
Anonymous
| Does he recognize he has a problem and is he actively getting help? A drink before work is very worrisome. Does he drive after drinking? |
Anonymous
|
I would talk to him about it. Drinking every day is fine in my book if they have everything together in life. The most concerning part of your post is the fact that he needs it in the morning. If he cant cut out the morning drinks I would move on. If you plan to have kids with him and he can't cut back (like 1-2 drinks a day) that would be a real problem.
But, this opinion is coming from someone who drinks pretty often, and used to smoke weed every day too. Not the typical DCUM mom. |
Anonymous
OP here. I've seen him deal with stressful situations - his job, in particular, is very stressful- and also interpersonally. He's just an easy-go-lucky kind of person. |
Anonymous
He recognizes he has a problem. He's been sober (involved with AA) a few times in the past. He doesn't see it as a huge issue for all of the reasons I listed in my OP. (And I kind of don't either.) If he'd burned a lot of bridges, or had a bad reputation, or was struggling professionally, or had legal/financial issues I would be concerned - but none of this is happening. |
Anonymous
| A drink before going to work? Dump him now. |
Anonymous
|
I did an internship in an addiction recovery program for people just like your fiance. Many of them had been functional alcoholics working in management and high end professional roles for 20+ years. They had not turned into raging alcoholics and hadn't lost jobs or families. They had pretty much maintained the status quo of being highly functional for years and years.
Most were very good at setting boundaries and rules around their drinking that they stuck to as part of rationalizing why it was okay to continue. Yet now they were in a program - why? For some it was their physical health and the toll the alcohol had taken on their bodies. They had been told by docs that they needed to stop, many had started to develop chronic health conditions or had alcohol related health problems. For others they realized that life had kind of passed them by while they were in a buzzed state. In the moment, they are engaged but their memories were hazy or their thoughts / activities were about the next drink Others were just tired of drinking. They kept drinking because they were addicts but there was no enjoyment in it. they didn't want to need a drink when they got up in the morning and for some the taste had lost its appeal. They didn't want to drink anymore but needed help to learn how not do and to withdraw safely. The alcohol had typically over time caused some issues in their relationships, friendships, and employment (for some). Not massive issues but just a 'thing' that was an ongoing problem and took away from positives. It was a really interesting program to be a part of as these were all very intelligent, well-educated, employed, articulate, critical thinkers who talked about their alcohol use and their lives in very different ways than in many of the other programs. |
Anonymous
The alcoholics in my family were extremely jolly, easy-go-lucky kinds of people. They did great damage to their kids and spouses, nevertheless. |
Anonymous
| What kind of job does he have that he can drink before and during? Landscaper? |
Anonymous
| Not an issue for me if he exercises daily and eat good food. No exercise and junk food would be an automatic deal breaker. |
Anonymous
That would be difficult,. . Any office has tons of people either drinking or on pills or on coke. Google the study about lawyers and drugs. Especially remarkable is the high percentage of use despite the high percentage of refusing to answer questions. |
Anonymous
In what way? |
Anonymous
I married a man like this. Alcohol will always be a problem for him. Like another poster said, life will only get more complicated and challenging. If you marry him you must be aware he will NOT change. He may stop drinking but will most likely start again. Only marry him if you can deal with his drinking. |
Anonymous
AP here. Tons of drama. Often times drinking comes before other responsibilities. In my case, my husband can't perform sexually when he's been drinking. But he doesn't care enough to not drink. He'd rather have those drinks than have sex. We always have to uber everywhere so he can drink at parties and dinners. He says mean things to me when he drinks. |