Love of my life is a functioning alcoholic

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The thing that bothers me the most is the fact that he doesn't drive, OP only. Just weird. It would be a deal breaker.

It's because he is buzzed/drinking.

OP does he have a valid licence? Or is it uspended for DUI?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I'm gutted. It sounds like an unequivocally bad idea to marry him.

Why are you gutted? Everything that is said here you knew already. He does not fit your idea of marriage.

Not OP, but you can love imperfect people and know that the imperfection is a huge problem and still not hate them. You must not have ever really loved someone to think it just turns off like that.

I am referring to profound conversations on DCUM as the reason for the feeling. It has nothing to do with love or imperfections or hate.
Everyone around me drinks equivalent of a bottle of wine a night. Surgeons, lawyers, professors, prosecutors, graphic designers, analysts, managers, chefs, programmers, etc. I admit, it's a self selected group as we all drink and like to drink, ideological non-drinkers don't fit in well (some want but can't drink, they fit in). OP is clearly not on board with that, otherwise there will be no post.

You may not be ready to admit it now, but the equivalent of a bottle of wine every single night is problematic drinking. Continuing that path for the next 30 - 40 years will likely not turn out well. I would seriously reconsider your lifestyle.

Thank you, mom, but look around and see who is dead and who is not. The longest living relative in the family was the 98 year old alcoholic great grandfather who haven't even required assisted living or much help. We called it proactive chemotherapy.

Troll

My uncle was a functional alcoholic. He got liver cancer in his late 50s. It metastasized to his brain. Not a good way to die!

We can a lot of those stories about drinker and non-drinkers. It is about a person. If it's a good responsible person with the qualities I want in my husband then it absolutely doesn't matter to me. I don't buy the stories about personality changes as all the people who I met in my life show their true colors pretty quickly (maybe I bring them out). You don't become dishonest or irresponsible or violent, it's in you already.

Well the brain tumors changed my uncle's personality pretty hard core. And then he died in pain. The cancer was caused by his alcoholism.

Brain tumor is a different story, luckily, there are several states where they help you to end the suffering quickly.

My point was that the alcoholism, which i think you said wasn't a deal breaker, changed his personality then led to his premature death.

I have stroke stories of similar nature in my family, but, exclusively, relatives who didn't drink and one of them always preached about drinking. You choose what you prefer. Too many factors.

Yes you can't completely control your health outcomes. Some people never drink or smoke and get cancer. Some people do everything they're not supposed to do and live long lives. But you are confusing a few anecdotes with the fact that drinking causes cumulative damage to a liver. That could ultimately mean no big deal but it is a fact that the human body can only metabolize so much alcohol a day. I'm also confused as to why you think that this particular alcoholic will be the one to have no ill health effects?

My replies were related to the reaction described by OP. Somehow DCUM gutted her as if there could have been a different response. I know nothing about the love of her life but if she judges his drinking now it would be a hard road and there is no reason to continue. If her attitude is similar to mine then the drinking is not a problem (academia would be a problem for me).
My body hates fats and tylenol much more than alcohol. I can't eat deep fried foods and I can't take much salt (thus eating out should be extremely limited, salt is everywhere). Human bodies are funny and listening to them is important.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I'm gutted. It sounds like an unequivocally bad idea to marry him.

I am married to a heavy drinker, and I know lots of them. Many have relatively happy marriages and lives, and even enjoy surprisingly good health despite the booze. But I don't know anyone who wakes up and has a drink. I can't imagine that ends well, though i could be wrong.

My father was also a heavy drinker and he was a great dad, and I believe, a great husband. The booze contributed to weight gain, which led to heart problems, so he died probably 5-10 years earlier than he would have if he wasn’t such a heavy drinker. But they still had 40+ years of a good marriage, and he was healthy through most of it. But he didn’t start drinking til he got home from work. I agree with the earlier poster about starting to drink so early in the day - that timing would really concern me.

PP, you really don't know what their marriage was especially whether or not it was a good one. Your mother just might have endured his alcoholism rather than kick him to the curb. I assure you that an absentee spouse, and if he drank every night heavily he WAS an absentee spouse, is not desirable and creates a miserable dynamic for the sober one. It is a virtual certainty that he was impotent and a good bet that she had little to no interest in him intimately.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The thing that bothers me the most is the fact that he doesn't drive, OP only. Just weird. It would be a deal breaker.

It's because he is buzzed/drinking.

OP does he have a valid licence? Or is it uspended for DUI?

That would not fit (in my mind) with treating me like gold. If he is drunk enough not to be able to drive how would he fix a broken light switch or replace my brakes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The thing that bothers me the most is the fact that he doesn't drive, OP only. Just weird. It would be a deal breaker.

It's because he is buzzed/drinking.

OP does he have a valid licence? Or is it uspended for DUI?

That would not fit (in my mind) with treating me like gold. If he is drunk enough not to be able to drive how would he fix a broken light switch or replace my brakes.

Please shut up. Get your own thread. You are weird. I wanted to hear from OP. Glad to know that academia is a deal breaker for you but alcoholism isn't.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The thing that bothers me the most is the fact that he doesn't drive, OP only. Just weird. It would be a deal breaker.

It's because he is buzzed/drinking.

OP does he have a valid licence? Or is it uspended for DUI?

He has a license. He has never gotten a DUI.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The thing that bothers me the most is the fact that he doesn't drive, OP only. Just weird. It would be a deal breaker.

It's because he is buzzed/drinking.

OP does he have a valid licence? Or is it uspended for DUI?

That would not fit (in my mind) with treating me like gold. If he is drunk enough not to be able to drive how would he fix a broken light switch or replace my brakes.

Please shut up. Get your own thread. You are weird. I wanted to hear from OP. Glad to know that academia is a deal breaker for you but alcoholism isn't.

The point of this thread is whether drinking is a deal breaker. It's a discussion. I made a point about the driving. You asked unrelated question quoting my point. This how this forum works.

[Anonymous]

OP, if you want children this is a no go.

If you love him, give him the chance to recover but recognize that he may not be able to get, or stay, sober.

[Anonymous]

Op, my sister has been with her man, who is similar to your man, for 10 years. They do not have kids. He drinks daily, just like your man. He is functional, except when he's not. He drinks for a reason, self medicating, and sometimes the morning to night drinks aren't enough. He goes through periods where he increases the amount he drinks. He has suffered from pancreatitis a few times, which is painful and debilitating. He has blacked out and said and done things he wouldn't usually do. He becomes scary. He sobers up, then goes back to his daily drinking and the cycle starts again.
No advice, just letting you know my sister's experience with a similar guy.