Love of my life is a functioning alcoholic

[Anonymous]

I know someone who seems like your love of life well, but older. His path looks like this. He left the professional mainstream to work at a remote location alone which helps hide the situation. His alcohol intake lowers his inhibitions and has probably been the facilitator of his extra-marital affairs. Everyone in his field talks about it behind his back. He and his spouse likely don't know this, but he could never get another job due to the alcoholism. Another person I know drank too much, slipped on the stairs of her house and died alone in the snow. A third lost custody of her child due to the disease. Yet a fourth was in danger of losing his security clearance and called me in a panic. You see how other people get hurt, just to different degrees. I'd only consider marriage only if you don't plan on children. Feel free to run the risk yourself, but I wouldn't put a baby (toddler, teenager...) in the hands of an alcoholic parent.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Aside from a job...there is zero stress in his life. Marry him, live together a year, two years etc and watch the stresses his life morph into resentment against you.

- Why'd you make do this expensive wedding?
- We didn't need a house?
- God, I hate the suburbs
- Can you shut up that screaming kid?

He literally has no reason to be angry with or at you right now or at anything in his life - yet he's already drinking 5-7 times a day.

OP here. I've seen him deal with stressful situations - his job, in particular, is very stressful- and also interpersonally. He's just an easy-go-lucky kind of person.

He's really not that easy going if he needs to drink that much. Also, just picture him in 20 to 30 years. It'll take more and more alcohol for him to feel the same.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I've seen him deal with stressful situations - his job, in particular, is very stressful- and also interpersonally. He's just an easy-go-lucky kind of person.

The alcoholics in my family were extremely jolly, easy-go-lucky kinds of people. They did great damage to their kids and spouses, nevertheless.

In what way?

AP here. Tons of drama. Often times drinking comes before other responsibilities. In my case, my husband can't perform sexually when he's been drinking. But he doesn't care enough to not drink. He'd rather have those drinks than have sex. We always have to uber everywhere so he can drink at parties and dinners. He says mean things to me when he drinks.

How is that jolly, easy-go-lucky? What you describe is the opposite of that. Uber part is funny: whay can't you drive?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Aside from a job...there is zero stress in his life. Marry him, live together a year, two years etc and watch the stresses his life morph into resentment against you.

- Why'd you make do this expensive wedding?
- We didn't need a house?
- God, I hate the suburbs
- Can you shut up that screaming kid?

He literally has no reason to be angry with or at you right now or at anything in his life - yet he's already drinking 5-7 times a day.

OP here. I've seen him deal with stressful situations - his job, in particular, is very stressful- and also interpersonally. He's just an easy-go-lucky kind of person.

He's really not that easy going if he needs to drink that much. Also, just picture him in 20 to 30 years. It'll take more and more alcohol for him to feel the same.

Not all people need more and more. I am surrounded by people who drink, decades of drinking at the same level, the same good attitude, same good people. I don't believe in personality changes due to drinking. If you are a jerk when drinking then you a jerk sober, just a two-faced jerk who pretends well.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Aside from a job...there is zero stress in his life. Marry him, live together a year, two years etc and watch the stresses his life morph into resentment against you.

- Why'd you make do this expensive wedding?
- We didn't need a house?
- God, I hate the suburbs
- Can you shut up that screaming kid?

He literally has no reason to be angry with or at you right now or at anything in his life - yet he's already drinking 5-7 times a day.

OP here. I've seen him deal with stressful situations - his job, in particular, is very stressful- and also interpersonally. He's just an easy-go-lucky kind of person.

He's really not that easy going if he needs to drink that much. Also, just picture him in 20 to 30 years. It'll take more and more alcohol for him to feel the same.

Not all people need more and more. I am surrounded by people who drink, decades of drinking at the same level, the same good attitude, same good people. I don't believe in personality changes due to drinking. If you are a jerk when drinking then you a jerk sober, just a two-faced jerk who pretends well.

Alcoholics need more and more.

[Anonymous]

You don't want to marry him like this. How would he do daycare drop-off or pickup with your baby with alcohol on his breath every day? CPS would be called. That's just one small example of how this would impact your married life.

I get that you love him. I even get that you are ambivalent about how bad his drinking really is. I had a very functional boyfriend who self-medicated with large amounts of marijuana all day, and I could see how it made him feel better. But you simply cannot build the life you deserve with an alcoholic b

[Anonymous]

Alcoholism is also inheritable, just FYI if you are planning to have kids.

Everyone has their issues. We often love someone because of their issues, but it makes it hard to live with them for a lifetime. No one knows what the future will bring. Make sure he takes vitamins— alcoholics are usually malnurished, specifically with folic acid and thiamine deficiencies.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Aside from a job...there is zero stress in his life. Marry him, live together a year, two years etc and watch the stresses his life morph into resentment against you.

- Why'd you make do this expensive wedding?
- We didn't need a house?
- God, I hate the suburbs
- Can you shut up that screaming kid?

He literally has no reason to be angry with or at you right now or at anything in his life - yet he's already drinking 5-7 times a day.

OP here. I've seen him deal with stressful situations - his job, in particular, is very stressful- and also interpersonally. He's just an easy-go-lucky kind of person.

He's really not that easy going if he needs to drink that much. Also, just picture him in 20 to 30 years. It'll take more and more alcohol for him to feel the same.

Not all people need more and more. I am surrounded by people who drink, decades of drinking at the same level, the same good attitude, same good people. I don't believe in personality changes due to drinking. If you are a jerk when drinking then you a jerk sober, just a two-faced jerk who pretends well.

Alcoholics need more and more.

Matter of definition. I agree that not everyone who drinks a bottle of wine or a sixer a day is an alcoholic. Those people don't need more and more.

[Anonymous]

OP please get yourself to Al-Anon -- it's not AA, which is for alcoholics; its for family members and loved ones of alcoholics . We can post here all day long but you need to talk face to face with others who have been, or currently are, exactly where you stand right now. They can talk with you and hear what you need to share. You have some huge decisions to make and need support from those who've been there. Go online to find meetings near you--they have local meetings all over the place at all times of day. Please don't just post here. I also would add that I'd see a good therapist as well, because you need to work through what steps to take next. Getting married to a person you know is an addict is NOT a next step, and I think you know that already.

Please, Al-Anon, tonight if you can.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What kind of job does he have that he can drink before and during? Landscaper?

He's a research scientist in academia.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I've seen him deal with stressful situations - his job, in particular, is very stressful- and also interpersonally. He's just an easy-go-lucky kind of person.

The alcoholics in my family were extremely jolly, easy-go-lucky kinds of people. They did great damage to their kids and spouses, nevertheless.

In what way?

AP here. Tons of drama. Often times drinking comes before other responsibilities. In my case, my husband can't perform sexually when he's been drinking. But he doesn't care enough to not drink. He'd rather have those drinks than have sex. We always have to uber everywhere so he can drink at parties and dinners. He says mean things to me when he drinks.

OP here. Boyfriend is never nasty to me, and the alcohol doesn't affect our sex life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Boyfriend and I are in our early thirties and are like two peas in a pod. We adore each other, take care of each other, and support each other. We laugh, have fun, have a great sex life, respect each other, and overall have a wonderful relationship. We've been together for two years.

My boyfriend is a highly educated professional who's well-respected in his field. He has a ton of adoring friends and a loving family. Recently we have discussed marriage.

But here's the thing: my boyfriend is an alcoholic. He doesn't get wildly drunk, but he drinks every day. He has a drink before going to work and drinks a few throughout the day. He was sober for four months last year and his personality stayed the same - easygoing and cheerful - but he really threw himself into his work, working 12 - 14 hours a day, and a lot on the weekends.

He treats me like gold, has never raised his voice, pays his bills, is organized, is well-liked. As far as I'm concerned, he's perfect outside of the drinking. I am at a loss. I have never had a relationship that even comes close to this. Would it really be so terrible to marry him??

Yes. As a child of such a person, Yes. You will grow unhappy. You will try to change him. He will not change. You will want children and have children. He will be unavailable to them when he is drinking.
He's charming and wonderful and perhaps a great friend - but he is not good husband or father material.

[Anonymous]

Do you plan on having kids? If so, what happens when he starts driving drunk when them in the car?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What kind of job does he have that he can drink before and during? Landscaper?

He's a research scientist in academia.

The biggest lushes I know, fun and good ones.

[Anonymous]

Op how does he get to work every day? Does he drive?

I know you don't think this is a big deal but if he is drinking more than two drinks a day then he will probably have health problems down the road.