"What is the plan?"

[Anonymous]

Do you get asked this question way too many times? I've come to realize that he's really asking "What plan did you make?" . If he asks "what is the plan?" and I respond "I don't know." then he just gets mad and keeps asking me over and over again.

We have a party to attend tomorrow, to which he has full access to the details in an email, but he still keeps asking me even though he has barely worked this week and has had plenty of time to play golf and go to the gym. It's driving me nuts.

What needs to be coordinated is what time our kids will be dropped off at my parents' house and where we will eat dinner beforehand. I finally told him that since he needs a plan so badly and seems to be getting upset at me not having one ready to tell him that he can come up with the plan and let me know. Then he went to bed in a huff because he said I exploded on him when he started this up right when I had sat down today for the first time since I got up at 4:30am. If telling him to make the plan is exploding on him I don't know what to say.

WTF.

[Anonymous]

It doesn't seem like a difficult question to answer

[Anonymous]

If you don’t want to be the one making the plans, just freakin tell him. Instead you decide to play a mind game where you say you don’t know all day then throw it on him to make a plan when you could’ve said that in the first place. If he doesn’t make a plan, you don’t go anywhere. He’ll learn eventually.

I don’t have any sympathy for you.

[Anonymous]

Can't understand why either of you got mad here. First time he asked, you should have said: I don't have one. Would you organize it please and let me know what you decide?

[Anonymous]

My husband was just like this! It drove me crazy! Our marriage counselor told us to take turns, so now I only have to plan every other weekend. It's working out great! The funny thing is, he is a much better planner then me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Do you get asked this question way too many times? I've come to realize that he's really asking "What plan did you make?" . If he asks "what is the plan?" and I respond "I don't know." then he just gets mad and keeps asking me over and over again.

We have a party to attend tomorrow, to which he has full access to the details in an email, but he still keeps asking me even though he has barely worked this week and has had plenty of time to play golf and go to the gym. It's driving me nuts.

What needs to be coordinated is what time our kids will be dropped off at my parents' house and where we will eat dinner beforehand. I finally told him that since he needs a plan so badly and seems to be getting upset at me not having one ready to tell him that he can come up with the plan and let me know. Then he went to bed in a huff because he said I exploded on him when he started this up right when I had sat down today for the first time since I got up at 4:30am. If telling him to make the plan is exploding on him I don't know what to say.

WTF.

Wait, are you me? It drives me crazy too, OP. He always NEEDS to know and gets irritated if I don't have a plan. I am not a huge planner so unless we have a social commitment, I often don't have an answer.

[Anonymous]

Do you know your (and his) MBTI types? DH and I got in tons of ridiculous fights about little things just like this. We got an executive coach at work who focuses on personality types and how to use your strong traits to be a leader. I got DH to take it to and realized we are 100% opposites when it comes to things like planning. I need a plan, he needs to go with the flow or will follow my plan if it makes sense. Now when I ask him what the plan is, he usually says "take over the world" and then I start planning on the spot. If he has any objections he can make them as in piecing it together. It might be an interesting experiment for you.

[Anonymous]

It's amazing to me how people expect their partners to be perfect. So what if he asks you "what's the plan?" Seriously. He's not perfect, he has flaws. We all do. Is this really something to complain about???

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Do you get asked this question way too many times? I've come to realize that he's really asking "What plan did you make?" . If he asks "what is the plan?" and I respond "I don't know." then he just gets mad and keeps asking me over and over again.

We have a party to attend tomorrow, to which he has full access to the details in an email, but he still keeps asking me even though he has barely worked this week and has had plenty of time to play golf and go to the gym. It's driving me nuts.

What needs to be coordinated is what time our kids will be dropped off at my parents' house and where we will eat dinner beforehand. I finally told him that since he needs a plan so badly and seems to be getting upset at me not having one ready to tell him that he can come up with the plan and let me know. Then he went to bed in a huff because he said I exploded on him when he started this up right when I had sat down today for the first time since I got up at 4:30am. If telling him to make the plan is exploding on him I don't know what to say.

WTF.

Been dealing with this for 22 years. What this is about is his own fear of making a decision, because it might be 'wrong'. He's afraid of being wrong. He might also not have good executive functioning skills so depends on your ability to plan.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's amazing to me how people expect their partners to be perfect. So what if he asks you "what's the plan?" Seriously. He's not perfect, he has flaws. We all do. Is this really something to complain about???

If OP's husband had said "I'm not really good at having a plan of action, I could use your help', he would be met differently. Usually these type of people also don't convey their own personal plans. A good example is my husband will want to do X over the weekend, perhaps involving being out of town, but will not convey the details such as "I plan to leave Saturday AM and will be back Sunday by about noon". Part of that is resentment in having to communicate said plans and the other part is wanting to keep the whole weekend loose, expecting me to happily pick up all the slack.

There's an element of control in all of this - if her husband doesn't make the plans, he can't be blamed for the plans. It's a way of relinquishing responsibility.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's amazing to me how people expect their partners to be perfect. So what if he asks you "what's the plan?" Seriously. He's not perfect, he has flaws. We all do. Is this really something to complain about???

Well, if the burden of planning always falls in OP, then yes. OP, try taking turns and being clear with him early on and up front when it’s his turn to plan. Frame it in a positive way. See what happens.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's amazing to me how people expect their partners to be perfect. So what if he asks you "what's the plan?" Seriously. He's not perfect, he has flaws. We all do. Is this really something to complain about???

If OP's husband had said "I'm not really good at having a plan of action, I could use your help', he would be met differently. Usually these type of people also don't convey their own personal plans. A good example is my husband will want to do X over the weekend, perhaps involving being out of town, but will not convey the details such as "I plan to leave Saturday AM and will be back Sunday by about noon". Part of that is resentment in having to communicate said plans and the other part is wanting to keep the whole weekend loose, expecting me to happily pick up all the slack.

There's an element of control in all of this - if her husband doesn't make the plans, he can't be blamed for the plans. It's a way of relinquishing responsibility.

This would have definitely been my ex trying to control me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's amazing to me how people expect their partners to be perfect. So what if he asks you "what's the plan?" Seriously. He's not perfect, he has flaws. We all do. Is this really something to complain about???

If OP's husband had said "I'm not really good at having a plan of action, I could use your help', he would be met differently. Usually these type of people also don't convey their own personal plans. A good example is my husband will want to do X over the weekend, perhaps involving being out of town, but will not convey the details such as "I plan to leave Saturday AM and will be back Sunday by about noon". Part of that is resentment in having to communicate said plans and the other part is wanting to keep the whole weekend loose, expecting me to happily pick up all the slack.

There's an element of control in all of this - if her husband doesn't make the plans, he can't be blamed for the plans. It's a way of relinquishing responsibility.

This would have definitely been my ex trying to control me.

So if he made the plans, he's an autocrat who controls you.... And if he lets you make the plans, and therefore he can't be blamed for anything, then that's a way to control you too.


Right. Sure.

that guy is damn lucky to be your ex

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Do you know your (and his) MBTI types? DH and I got in tons of ridiculous fights about little things just like this. We got an executive coach at work who focuses on personality types and how to use your strong traits to be a leader. I got DH to take it to and realized we are 100% opposites when it comes to things like planning. I need a plan, he needs to go with the flow or will follow my plan if it makes sense. Now when I ask him what the plan is, he usually says "take over the world" and then I start planning on the spot. If he has any objections he can make them as in piecing it together. It might be an interesting experiment for you.

Thanks, I'll look into that. We actually both like to have a plan, or at least something to work off of, but the issue is that it always falls on me to make the plan. I've had a busy week and he has not, so I hadn't even thought about what we should do on Saturday until he brought it up last night. Everything is local, so it isn't a huge deal to figure out.

I just get frustrated when he gets more and more insistent with his "what is the plan?" questions. As though asking me louder and more frequently will automatically create a plan in my mind which I can then share with him. He doesn't make an effort to have any ideas of his own but he gets to refuse my ideas if he doesn't like them. So not only do I need to create a plan, it has to be specifically to his liking.

Yes, it all boils down to communication and clearly we need to work on that.

-OP

[Anonymous]

A variation of this happens with us all the time. I make reservations for flights etc and always copy my DW but sooner or later she comes in and says she has nothing on her calendar - which she keeps written. I tell her that she has all the details in her email and she walks out in a huff as though I'm the one who screwed up.