What's up with my sexually dysfunctional marriage? (sorry, kinda long)

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08/29/2009 00:08

Subject: What's up with my sexually dysfunctional marriage? (sorry, kinda long)

Anonymous

Thank goodness for DCUM - where else can I post something so embarrassing completely anonymously? Here goes...

I don't really know where to begin, but I'll start with this: my husband and I almost literally do not have sex. We had sex probably, and this is no exaggeration, 4-5 times in the last 12 months. Since our son was born (he's about 2 1/2 now) we've had sex maybe 10 times. I know that's bad, but what's worse is that I feel like I have no sex drive ... so I know we SHOULD be having more sex but I don't really feel the desire to myself.

As for my husband, he is on meds for anxiety and depression that decrease sexual drive. However, I do notice that he watches porn - lots of it, because the movies are queued up on our Tivo, and porn sites are bookmarked on his computer. You may be surprised by this, but the porn/masturbating itself does not bother me. What bothers me is the fact that I know he's masturbating, so I know that the meds are not completely shutting down his sex drive. So why no sex with me? But again, I don't have much of a drive either, so I can't completely blame him...

I feel sort of paralyzed because I know the answer to the problem, at least with him (he needs to switch to a medication that doesn't decrease sex drive) but at the same time I feel guilty asking him to do it, and I'm not even sure if that will solve the problem since my sex drive is so low.

The second issue is that he has some sort of undiagnosed sleeping disorder, and as a result he's taken to sleeping in our guest bedroom. This started after our son was about a year old. He found that it helped on the nights when he really needed a good night's sleep because of work (he works, I stay at home). He also started taking sleeping pills on the nights he really needed rest. So those times I would be on baby duty all night. Well, fine, but now that habit has become a full-blown "addiction" of sorts. He sleeps in the guest bedroom at least 4-5 nights per week. This really hurts me because if we aren't having sex, at least we can PRETEND to have some sort of physical closeness by literally sleeping in the same bed. The good news is we've talked about it, he knows it bothers me, he agrees it's weird that we are not sleeping in the same bed most nights ... and he is trying to come back to our bed more often. I do give him credit for being receptive to my concerns about it, and I really can tell he feels bad about it. But I can also tell that he really looks forward to sleeping in the other bedroom. I was in there the other day and I saw that he had it all situated like a college dorm room or something ... reading material, mug of water, night light, magazines, etc. It's like he's moved in to the bedroom and made it his own personal cozy space. I am not mad at him for this, just sad, because it makes me feel like he's trying to get away from me. Not consciously, but clearly he enjoys his alone time. I don't really think it's about "sleeping better" anymore.

So... sorry this is so long but I guess my question is this. Clearly there is a sexual issue, but I'm wondering is there something worse here? Are we not compatible? We have almost no physical contact with each other -- we barely kiss anymore. I guess I was never the PDA type, but now that things have been sexually "dry" for so long I wil admit I feel a little starved for any sort of physical affection or romantic activity. I should say that we get along okay otherwise, although we do often bicker and even fight about the normal, married-with-toddler, problems like division of responsibilities, parenting styles, etc.

Any advice/thoughts/help would be MUCH appreciated!!!

One more point: adding to the sexual stress is the fact that we had a hard time getting pregnant. I think this may contribute to our mutual lack of sex now. It was horrible to have sex on demand, all the time, so often for about 2 years before our son was conceived (via IVF). And of course now I'm thinking about baby #2 but the thought of starting all that forced sex all the time gives me heartburn. At the same time, how long can we live this way???