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What's up with my sexually dysfunctional marriage? (sorry, kinda long)
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Anonymous
| With the pron, maturbating, sleeping in another room, I think your husband may not be interested in you anymore or cheating. Im sorry if Im wrong ,but thats what Im thinking. Im sorry you are going through this |
Anonymous
| Maybe watch porn with him? Instead of him masturbating himself, maybe you can help him along, and vice versa? |
Anonymous
| I have a bit of a different perspective. DH and I went through IUIs and IVF, and I think it's still taking its toll. DH was totally deflated by this process, to an extent that I didn't realize for quite a while. We have two wonderful children, and generally a good life and relationship. But, he has almost completely shut down sexually. I've "caught" him watching soft porn once, but I think it was at a time that he was trying to figure out if he would be able to "perform." We've had sex 3 times over the past year, as compared to a few times a week before children. He takes Viagra when we do have sex, but it gives him a headache and makes him feel sick, so it seems like a hassle. And we have just fallen out of the habit of trying, and I don't think either of us really wants to talk about it. While I'm sure there's more going on between my DH and me, I do think that the fertility treatment process was a severe blow. |
Anonymous
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OP---you mentioned that DH is recovering alcoholic. Perhaps some of the behavior (which he knows is hurting you) is a passive agressive (maybe even somewhat subconscious) way to "get back" at you for making him quit drinking.
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Anonymous
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OP here. 23:15, I really, really appreciate what you said about the infertility stuff taking its toll. I know that it was a HUGELY difficult thing for me... and I think it may be (again, subconsciously perhaps?) affecting him too.
PP, interesting thought about the recovering alcoholic stuff... geez, I would hope that was not true. |
Anonymous
| Is he mad at you? I find that when I go into the other bedroom I am doing so because I want to be obvious that I am pissed off and yes I would have my magazines and water in there too because I am thinking first before I go to sleep? What is the sleeping disorder by the way? Are you talking insomnia or snoring because if it's snoring, I have a great remedy. For insomnia--great role in the hay helps! I think if he is stressed and in the other room you should try to see if you guys could go somewhere alone for a weekend to just focus on the two of you and it will show that you are focused on him as much as your son. Men are babies too don't cha know. Good luck! |
Anonymous
There is ALOT going on here in your relationship. FIRST thing you all need professional help. Also, being a recovering addict is VERY related. Oftentimes addicts replace one addiction with another. It appears to me that your DH has replaced his alcohol with porn. Porn can be a very serious addiction, just as bad as alcohol and can cause job loss, divorce, and other very serious problems. Most people can watch a little porn, just like most people can drink a glass of wine at night, but for some people it really can spiral out of control, especially for someone who already has addiction issues. The medication is certainly NOT causing your DH's sex drive to decrease, he has pleanty of sex drive, as he is masturbating to porn all the time. His behavior is addictive because he prefers the images over the live action with you, a real woman in the bedroom next door. |
Anonymous
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PP, this is the OP here. Thanks for this post. Very interesting about the addiction thing.
8:45, no, he is not mad at me ... I can pretty much guarantee it. In fact, we just talked about the separate bedroom thing again last night. He always apologizes about it, it's very strange, but always goes back to "It's just so much easier for me to sleep in there." He asked if we can "start fresh" and give it a try tonight. I know this sounds really weird, and I can understand people suspecting it's a passive agressive or mad thing, but all I can say is my gut tells me he's not mad at me or trying to take anything out on me. It's just a strange situation. The porn addiction theory is interesting though. For the longest time I'd been telling myself that it was just the meds preventing us from having sex but the porn throws the meds theory out the window. I'm trying to figure out how to bring this up to him without him getting offended or defensive about it. |
Anonymous
| Is there a sexual performance issue on his end? Maybe porn is less stressful because he doesn't have to worry about being observed being unable to perform? |
Anonymous
| We have both put on a few pounds. Not obese or anything, but neither of us is really happy with how our bodies look these days. That more than anything could be an issue. |
Anonymous
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Hi OP:
I have a dear friend who has a wonderful marriage that includes sex, but they sleep in separate bedrooms for many reasons, but mainly because her husband likes and needs to sleep alone. She described the situation to me, andit sounds like once she was able to parse out all her competing fears and desires, she really doesn't care where he sleeps for 7 or 8 hours, as long as they have quality, intimate time elsewhere. It sounds like you could reestablish a sex schedule, and then work on the separate bedroom thing later. Its not wierd if you are both OK with it, the key is making sure you don't feel abandoned. As for me, I have 3 kids, have sex about once a week, and sometimes I view it as a chore, and sometimes I enjoy.... |
Anonymous
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I can commiserate. My marriage has been almost sexless for years. DH and I get along fine, but it seems like we've gotten out of the habit, so to speak. And I have a low sex drive and I think he does too. I sometimes sleep in the guest bedroom, but it has nothing to do with sex. DH snores and thrashes around and the kids sometimes wander in. I wake easily, and I sometimes get desperate for an uninterrupted night's sleep. Then I'll sleep there for a couple of nights until I feel better.
I guess I don't have too many answers. We tried couple's counseling but it didn't work well for us. |
Anonymous
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In a strange way, these last two posts made me feel much better. Thanks everyone! One day at a time, I guess...
OP |
Anonymous
| My dh also often sleeps in the guest room. It started when I was pregnant and was so restless and has continued. I'm not convinced he sleeps any better (he still complains about not sleeping just about every day) but it's become a habit. It does inhibit our intimacy, but I do make a concerted effort to make sure we still have sex somewhat regularly. Naptime sex is great! I think you should start by really trying to have sex more often. As others have said, sex begets more sex. |
Anonymous
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As much as I don't like to initiate things, it really seems to help our relationship. I don't know why my DH isn't more of an initiator, but that isn't really the relevant issue, if my goal is to have more frequent sex. The issue is what am I willing to do... so sometimes I put on something sexy, sometimes we just cuddle in bed. If I let myself get depressed that he won't initiate, then I stop initiating, and we are no where.
Granted, this is probably an oversimplistic response to your post. Good luck, and it's so good that you can talk to him about this stuff. |