Still in love with my soon to be ex husband
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Anonymous
Husband and I are going on 8 months being separated. We separated due to too much arguing due to financial irresponsibility on his end, lack of trust from my end, and other issues. We have 2 kids. I have honestly lost hope of reconciliation.he hasn't taken any steps to fixing our relationship, says he will change but doesn't. I suggested marriage counseling but he never seemed interested. We hooked up a few times during those 8 months. I'm come to the conclusion he's just not ready for a commitment. But my heart does not agree with me. Still when I see him I feel sad we didn't fix our marriage and feel I still love him. How do I move on? 
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Anonymous
| It sounds like he has moved on. |
Anonymous
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It's hard to move on. It's just going to take time. How much time???---If people could answer that, they'd make a fortune. For right now, just take care of you and the kids. Try and do things that make the 3 of you happy. It could be making cookies, movie night, the zoo, going for a walk. Just try and establish a new normal for the 3 of you. And try and do something just for you--an exercise class, an adult learning class, book club, cooking class.
For now, you just need to start building your life without him. I've been separated from my husband for 2 yrs. I've learned that for me I'm happier alone than with anyone else. Of course I'd be happier with him as I'm still in love with him but that's not an option I have. So I've built my life for me and the kids and we're pretty happy most days. I tried dating and discovered that either it's not for me or I'm not ready. In either case, I don't date anymore and its ok. |
Anonymous
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You get counseling on your own, solo, if you aren't already doing so.
Did you just "suggest" marriage counseling or did you tell him, clearly, that you were willing to work on possibly reconciling if you both worked out specific problems, with professional help, and you felt he was making no moves to take you up on that offer? In short--were you hoping he would reach out to reconcile or he would embrace marriage counseling, but he didn't? Were you vague and hopeful waiting for him to make the first move or were you direct and frank about saying what you needed if you were possibly going to work on the marriage? I truly don't mean to sound harsh or as if I'm blaming you, OP! I just get the sense from the post that you might have been in a "waiting to see if he makes the first move" pattern that can end up killing off a relationship as one person waits and hopes, without speaking up enough, while the other starts to figure, oh, this is how things are going to be, and goes into a default mode of letting the marriage go because that's easier than working on it. Maybe that's not your situation--I just know it does happen. |
Anonymous
| I am in the same position. We love each other so much but fight constantly. We've been to therapy and counselor said we need boundaries with the inlaws but DH loves them too much too. I'm just not willing to accept that this is it and stop fighting but also not willing to keep 2 innocent kids in a fighting house that they hate. So we're looking to separate which neither wants but neither wants to sacrifice what we'd have to sacrifice to stay together. |
Anonymous
OP, I don't know how bad your financial and trust issues were but for me, my XDH was chronically unemployed yet creating new financial obligations all the time. He was also a pathological liar. I used to think that I trust this man with my life but not my money  Anyway, the foregoing was no basis for a healthy relationship so I had to extract myself and I never regretted leaving and divorcing him.
BUT, my heart still loves the man he used to be. I think it will take time to fall out of love. I am not dating yet because of this. |
Anonymous
| For me, it helped to write down a list of all his flaws. I have to reread it sometimes when I get misty. |
Anonymous
| You love and miss the man you thought he was. Not the actual man that he is. Mourn the man you thought you fell in love with. Therapy can help with this. |
Anonymous
I'm not sure this is even OP's problem. I think she's mourning that he'll never be the man she wanted him to be. The problems she cited in her OP were that he was financially irresponsible and that she didn't trust him. Although she styled the "trust" issue as a problem on her end, it clearly isn't (unless I misread it and she meant that her husband never trusted her). She's tagging her DH for the breakdown of the relationship but then also wondering why he isn't doing anything to fix it. What's that saying -- when someone shows you who they are, believe them? |
Anonymous
| No advice, just wanted to say Im sorry youre going through this |