Need so much help for 14 year old boy- no idea where to begin
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Anonymous
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Background: 14 year old boy, his father (my boyfriend) was addicted to drugs at the time he was born, left the area before he was 2 years old for rehab and didn't return for 6 years. Saw him about 1-2 times a year for a week long visit. During that time his mother married and had two more children. One of those children died suddenly at 18 months. His mother was never the same. Her marriage fell apart, she began abusing prescription pills and has been engaged in several abusive and inappropriate relationships with men for the last several years. My boyfriend returned to Virginia and quickly was given custody of his son by the mother and she has disappeared. We hear from her every 3-6 months for a quick visit and then she is gone again. At the time my boyfriend regained custody his son was doing very poorly in school and seems emotionally stunted. He was put in private Catholic school in hopes that the smaller class size would be better for him to get help and stay connected. He failed several classes in 6th and 7th grade.
Present time: Now we are in the first semester of 8th grade. My boyfriend and I (after dating 3 years) moved in together in August (I have full custody of my 11 year old) with hopes that we could establish a safe and stable home for both kids and normalize this crazy life. This has not been the case. My boyfriend's son is showing some serious behavioral issues as well as some concerning learning disability issues. He constantly lies to us, he throws full blown temper tantrums like a toddler, he is manipulative, and very difficult to bond with. Obviously this is a product of the chaos he has been raised in but he literally has our lives hijacked right now and we are at a loss. We need help and we have no idea where to begin. He has been seeing a therapist for two years with no substantial improvement and we have reason to believe she is having some transference issues with him, and the issues she has with her own daughter. We have date set up for him to be tested through Alexandria Public Schools for learning disabilities but that is not until Nov. 28th. We don't believe Catholic school has been a positive change in his life but we are fearful he will get lost in public school. We don't have the kind of money it takes to buy tutors and specialists and special schools. (He has United Health benefits) Does anyone out there have any resources, therapists, specialist, or anything that could help us? I am afraid that is we don't find a solution soon this young boy will end up in a very dark place. Thank you so much for any suggestions. |
Anonymous
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He probably needs a new therapist, and perhaps medication for anxiety or depression.
Do you have a trusted pediatrician who can make calls and get you in with someone strong? |
Anonymous
| I have a pediatrician but only for physicals once a year so I wouldn't say it's a strong relationship. I don't know how I would know if their referrals were appropriate or not. |
Anonymous
Pediatricians can usually call a psychologist or a psychiatrist if a patient is in crisis. Gets you past waiting lists and in faster. May be worth calling anyway - better than working through the list of providers in the United Health Care database one at a time hoping for someone with openings. |
Anonymous
| In addition to the a new therapist for him, start family therapy as well. Also talk to the school to see what resources they can additionally recommend and help you with -- from tutors to more support from the guidance counselor and teachers. Even though you guys must be very frustrated (for good reason) with his behavior, reinforce to him how much you love him and care. |
Anonymous
| Does anyone have any names of therapists in Alexandria or nearby that they found helpful? |
Anonymous
| Op, I am very sorry to read about your situation. Where are you in Alexandria? for school, I would consider Commonwealth Academy, it’s very small and it is expensive BUT they do offer financial aid. It’s in the Del Ray/ Potomac Yard neighborhood. Call them, get some information. If the boy is in parochial school in 8th grade, I am not sure if that means one of the schools here in Alexandria that end at 8th (like St Mary’s), if so you’ll need a high school anyway. Parochial doesn’t always mean smaller classes and better than public. I agree for ACPS he may get lost, especially in Minnie Howard and TCW. But if you go that route you need an IEP for him, and you can’t get that ball rolling without Diagnosis. start with the pediatrician for a developmental pediatrician or a therapist that can make a diagnosis (learning disability, attention deficient, behavioral, etc). That process can take a while, get started as soon as you can. Good luck |
Anonymous
| If he's on medicaid, they will probably pay for an evaluation and services. I would call your insurance but he needs a full mental health and educational evaluation and I would not trust the school system to provide it all. He'd probably be better off in public and put the money you are spending on private into tutoring. |
Anonymous
| OP, always, always ask about financial aid for a private school. The answer might be no, but you won't know if you don't ask, so ask. Ooften private schools can help somewhat. |
Anonymous
| This sounds so hard. Try to get your 11 year old into counseling also because the situation can take such a toll on the whole family. |
Anonymous
| OP here: sounds like there is some knowledge here that the testing we are waiting for through ACPS is not going to be as helpful as we had hoped. Have you all had negative experiences with the testing process? Is it not thorough? I have been looking at Commonwealth as it is very close to is but I have read a lot of mixed reviews. And of course if we couldn't get financial aid it would be completely impossible. His school does end at 8th grade so inless we figure something out he is headed to Minnie and then TC. Has anyone had positive experiences at either? Trying to be hopeful here... |
Anonymous
The school testing will be fine, but perhaps not as deep as a private evaluation. But it's a place to start, and you won't get into anyplace else sooner, unfortunately. I think what you should focus on now is family counseling, in addition to what he's doing with his therapist and figure out how to come together as a more cohesive, functioning unit (easier said than done). This boy sounds like he's been through so much change and chaos, and add in teenage hormones, and it's not likely to be a fast process. My hunch is that any LDs aren't the major source of home behavior problems, although they could certainly contribute to issues at school. I don't have any therapist suggestions as I live in DC but wishing you patience and luck in finding your way through this. |
Anonymous
| Ask the city about how to access in home counseling, where a counselor comes into your home. Usually needs to be started through the city or county human services agency. Check the parent resource center for the public school district. |
Anonymous
| How honest and open is your boyfriend with his son? Can the two of them spend some quality time together where they can talk and hopefully address hard issues...his feelings about his mother, maybe Dad should talk to him frankly about his addiction and what it was like and any regrets he has. That talk could come at a time when this teen could really use it. And honest convo where Dad says “Inlive you and I’m worried. We are your family, we’re not going anywhere and we want to make you happy.” Dad should create some sort of new tradition with his son (fishing, going to movie followed by dinner where they talk about it, sharing music—son plays something for Dad, Dad reciprocates, they discuss”). They need to build bonds and trust. |
Anonymous
| This boy has been seriously failed by both parents. I agree with the above poster that his priority for the next five years or so needs to be improving his relationship with his son. If you and your daughter are adding stress to the situation, perhaps it's better if you go back to living separately for now. |