Was anyone able to save their marriage after it was pretty much over?

[Anonymous]

DW here, married 3 years, 1 DC. Got married because of accidental pregnancy even though we were having problems and were getting ready to break up. We lost the baby and in our grief decided to have another one (dumb). He works and I'm a SAHM because he claims work won't give him the flexibility for kid pickups/drop offs/sickness. We spend our evenings apart, we don't kiss, have sex maybe once a month (and just to get him to stop bugging me, it's been over a year since I've actually enjoyed it with him), have to spend time apart on weekends because by Sunday we are ready to rip each other's throats out. I've given him the green light to seek sex outside our marriage, but I don't think he has yet. A lot of resentment on both sides. I've offered him a divorce and even to sign a post-nup so I won't get much money from him, but he said no. We tried marriage counseling for the first year of marriage, which helped a little, but not much.

Has anyone in this situation been able to salvage things? I'd like to, but I'd also like to have another kid, so if things aren't going to get better I'd like to split up so I can find someone I can have a good marriage with. if you were able to fix things, what did you do?

[Anonymous]

I'm confused. Why do you want to salvage things?!

[Anonymous]

You haven't mentioned anything to salvage.

[Anonymous]

Please don't have another kid. You have exhibited dysfunctional behaviors multiple times.

[Anonymous]

I would go back to work. You’ll have to cover drop offs and pick ups and sick days as a single mom anyway.

[Anonymous]

It kinda sounds like there wasn't anything there to begin with, so it's unclear what there might be to salvage.

My marriage went to the brink and we came back from it (infidelity on his part). But it was a long hard slog and we both wanted it. Went on to have a second child and have a reasonably strong marriage now (10 years later), but it's still hard.

It sounds like you barely like this person. You just might want to salvage something so you can have more kids? I can understand that. But I just don't see how this marriage is going to lead to a happy family life.

But say you do want to give it one honest try, to see if there is anything there. Therapy. Even alone if he won't do marriage therapy. And then you have to let go a little bit - stop fighting. Let go of resentment. Just let it go. I'm not saying be a doormat - just disengage from fighting over everything and bringing in past grievances to current situations. (Hard to do). See if you can find even a kernel of goodwill to this person you married. Schedule a weekly date night. Force yourself to interact positively, and lessen the negative interactions.

And look - as you're going through a process of disengagement over resentments and disagreements, you'e also strengthening yourself if the final answer is leaving.

[Anonymous]

I think they key here is that both of you have to be committed to making the marriage work. You both have to WANT to change. You both have to WANT to put in the work. Those are the questions that you each need to ask yourselves. It's not about what's convenient or wanting another kid. Are you committed to this man and committed to changing yourself and working with him through his needed changes to make it work. And then you have to forgive each other. For whatever hurt or pain you went through, distrust, whatever. It really takes a lot to make a marriage work. Are you willing to FIGHT?

If the answer is no, your marriage will not recover.

[Anonymous]

Do him a favor and file for divorce and please stay single forever.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It kinda sounds like there wasn't anything there to begin with, so it's unclear what there might be to salvage.

My marriage went to the brink and we came back from it (infidelity on his part). But it was a long hard slog and we both wanted it. Went on to have a second child and have a reasonably strong marriage now (10 years later), but it's still hard.

It sounds like you barely like this person. You just might want to salvage something so you can have more kids? I can understand that. But I just don't see how this marriage is going to lead to a happy family life.

But say you do want to give it one honest try, to see if there is anything there. Therapy. Even alone if he won't do marriage therapy. And then you have to let go a little bit - stop fighting. Let go of resentment. Just let it go. I'm not saying be a doormat - just disengage from fighting over everything and bringing in past grievances to current situations. (Hard to do). See if you can find even a kernel of goodwill to this person you married. Schedule a weekly date night. Force yourself to interact positively, and lessen the negative interactions.

And look - as you're going through a process of disengagement over resentments and disagreements, you'e also strengthening yourself if the final answer is leaving.

Thank you, this is really helpful. I've made an appointment to meet with a therapist this week.

[Anonymous]

You know you never should have gotten married. Things are terrible and will not get better. Cut your losses ASAP. Get a job, get your young child good care, and separate.

[Anonymous]

Oh please do not try to salvage this marriage for the sake of having another child. That is the most idiotic thing I've heard all week. Must be true that women's hormones overrule their brains.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Do him a favor and file for divorce and please stay single forever.

Also, learn how to use birth control.

[Anonymous]

I was in a similar situation with dh. We had an.accidental pregnancy. We had a rough few years but worked through it. Things are pretty good now. It took a lot of work. Good.luck op.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Oh please do not try to salvage this marriage for the sake of having another child. That is the most idiotic thing I've heard all week. Must be true that women's hormones overrule their brains.

I never said anything about salvaging my marriage so I could have another kid. I said if it's not going to get better, I'd like to cut my losses so I can have another kid before I am too old. I have no plans on bringing another child into this family in the state it is now.

[Anonymous]

Hi OP, I read this and thought it kind of sounds like my marriage. We rarely have sex and when we do it’s not very good, we spend a lot of time alone, we have 1 child, we’ve tried counseling, and I suggested that we open up the marriage but he said no.

I like my husband, though. He’s a good person even though we aren’t well matched. I wish we could be next door neighbors.

You need to get a job, first and foremost. It will change the dynamics of your relationship and will allow you to have the means to leave, if that’s what you decide.