What to do about depressed sister
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Anonymous
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My sister has always had anxiety issues but they were under control for a long time. Now she seems to be both depressed and anxious and just not doing well in general. She lives in NYC and in the past year she quit her job due to a disagreement with her boss (the details are very strange) and also got into a huge fight with her best friend and they have not been in touch since. My sister is 44 and single. She has very few friends, doesn't date, has no hobbies and now no job. I truly think she spends days in her apartment without going outside. My parents went to visit her unannounced once because they were worried and she was in her pajamas on the couch at 4pm and her apartment was a total disaster. They spoke to her doorman out of concern and he said she rarely comes out and just has food delivered in when needed.
I know she is seeing a therapist but she claims she doesn't like her and thinks she isn't helpful. She is also on antidepressants but not sure what or how much. My parents and I are extremely worried about her but just don't know how we can actually help. She won't open up to any of us about how she feels or what's going on. We have each invited her to come down to DC to stay with us for a while and she always refuses. My parents even tried to plan a family vacation for next month but she said she didn't want to join. This week I arranged to go to NY for work and told her I wanted to have dinner together and do something fun. The plans were made and then she cancelled at the last minute saying she didn't feel well. I told her I would come over then. I got to her place and she proceeded to watch TV for 3 hours without talking to me. I didn't even bring up anything serious until the end of the night when it was clear she was just going to ignore me like I wasn't there. She did not look good and it seems like she hadn't showered in a few days. What does one do in this situation? I am terrified something will happen to her if things continue to get worse. I work full time and have 3 young kids and my parents are dealing with some health issues, so we can't just go up to NY every week to check on her. Has anyone dealt with someone like this before? |
Anonymous
| Who is enabling her? If so, that's the first thing I would do: cut off the money supply. |
Anonymous
| It is my sister's money. She worked in a high paying finance job and saved a lot of money. She had worked pretty much 24/7 since she graduated college and didn't live extravagantly... so not sure there is anything we can do there. |
Anonymous
| It's her life and her choice. You have to learn to live with that. Not everyone wants to be a part of society. What would you prefer your sister do? She probably saved enough to watch TV for rest of her life. |
Anonymous
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Anonymous
Do you have a better alternative? |
Anonymous
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She's probably always been depressed due to being raised by critical interfering parents. You probably come off as condescending as you do in this post. Did she ask for your help? No? MYOB.
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Anonymous
Depression & anxiety aren't choices. Few, if any, people truly "choose" to live the way OP's sister is living; it's more like their illnesses render them paralyzed when it comes to doing what's necessary to live any other way. |
Anonymous
What a heartless post. Don't you have people you love? |
Anonymous
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OP here, I don't understand how I come off as condescending here. I am trying to figure out how I can help my sister - not because I think she is boring and needs to have a life like mine, but because she is clearly deeply unhappy and stuck and needs some support. I don't know how to do that from afar and when the person refuses help.
I am genuinely concerned for her well-being... sometimes she is disoriented when we talk to her which was what made my parents go up to see what was going on. Seeing both her and her apartment in such disarray is very unusual since she was always extremely neat and well put together. Her personality has done a 180 from who she was 2 years ago. She doesn't need to be the life of the party or most social person, but it's not healthy for a 44 year old person to not shower or leave their apartment for a full week and not know what day it is. And while she has big savings, I definitely don't think it's enough to live in NYC forever on no salary. She lives in a fancy building and I am pretty sure her rent is like $6-8K per month. |
Anonymous
Call Adult Protective Services. They can walk you through what your options are. I'm sorry that your sister is struggling. Clearly there are significant mental health issues here that are impacting her ability to make rational decisions. |
Anonymous
| As a parent of a teen with high anxiety, what I learned is that he literarily can't talk about it. It is social anxiety. I would try to understand that it is not easy, how do you help an adult whose condition is preventing them from seeking help? She might be embarrassed and defensive at any help offered. It is hard. What I suggest, is you go visit her and take charge. Will she put up a fight if you go, pack her and drive her to your home here? And have her for a few weeks? What I do with DS is not offer options, I take charge. He is now 18, so I can' just "make him do." But, if you love her and are close with her, and willing to actually do something, tell her you need her at home with your kids. You have kids? Tell her you need her help, whatever you think of that will help her, even if it is pretending that she is helping you. If she gets ticked off, so what? She is your sister. |
Anonymous
That is the problem with our society. Selfish people like this pp, who would rather ignore and not help their own SISTER, and judge OP for worrying about it. The only thing we can tell from your post, is that you are depressed, you were raised by parents whom you thought were critical and interfering. You are condescending and view people as such. For all we know, your parents are lovely people who lucked out with such a bit** for a child. |
Anonymous
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OP, sorry to hear this. I also had an adult sister who went through a major depressive episode and it was I credibly difficult. I also went through a year of depression a couple decades ago and similar to your sister, I would sit silently for many hours. I had poverty of thought, I didn't know what to think about or say, my mind was very blank. I also felt robotic and awkward and very disconnected, as though my body and mind were not my own and I wasn't sure how to make them work properly. So someone would be talking and I wouldn't be able to really formulate a response. I also found I could sit for hours doing nothing, and it would be 6 hours later and I wouldn't have moved or even really thought of anything. I just existed as a shell.
There are often NAMI chapters you can get in touch with who can provide guidance and support to families. That is great that she is seeing a therapist. A definite positive that she is maintaining that connection. Would she be willing to let you all clean up the house? It can be so overwhelming to do that and a chaotic overwhelming living space and really add to people's sense of being stuck and not able to function. Keep in contact, even if you get little response, be it things in the mail, letters, emails, Facebook, texts. It will be one sided but still good. Have you has the conversation about how worried you are about her with her? |
Anonymous
| Do what you can to get her out of NYC and to DC. |