What to do about depressed sister

[Anonymous]

Start with unconditional love and make that clear.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here, I don't understand how I come off as condescending here. I am trying to figure out how I can help my sister - not because I think she is boring and needs to have a life like mine, but because she is clearly deeply unhappy and stuck and needs some support. I don't know how to do that from afar and when the person refuses help.

I am genuinely concerned for her well-being... sometimes she is disoriented when we talk to her which was what made my parents go up to see what was going on. Seeing both her and her apartment in such disarray is very unusual since she was always extremely neat and well put together. Her personality has done a 180 from who she was 2 years ago.

She doesn't need to be the life of the party or most social person, but it's not healthy for a 44 year old person to not shower or leave their apartment for a full week and not know what day it is.

And while she has big savings, I definitely don't think it's enough to live in NYC forever on no salary. She lives in a fancy building and I am pretty sure her rent is like $6-8K per month.

You don't come off as condescending. You and your parents sound concerned and caring. The PP is an ass.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It is my sister's money. She worked in a high paying finance job and saved a lot of money. She had worked pretty much 24/7 since she graduated college and didn't live extravagantly... so not sure there is anything we can do there.

Sounds like your sister is living the dream that you're dreaming of. Doorman'd building in NYC with no responsibilities and plenty of money. Leave her alone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:As a parent of a teen with high anxiety, what I learned is that he literarily can't talk about it. It is social anxiety. I would try to understand that it is not easy, how do you help an adult whose condition is preventing them from seeking help? She might be embarrassed and defensive at any help offered. It is hard. What I suggest, is you go visit her and take charge. Will she put up a fight if you go, pack her and drive her to your home here? And have her for a few weeks? What I do with DS is not offer options, I take charge. He is now 18, so I can' just "make him do." But, if you love her and are close with her, and willing to actually do something, tell her you need her at home with your kids. You have kids? Tell her you need her help, whatever you think of that will help her, even if it is pretending that she is helping you. If she gets ticked off, so what? She is your sister.

THIS.

OP, you will find so many of DCUM that are not connected to family and not inclined to help out in crisis. I would do this. I did something similar when my sister had a major depressive episode after a relation ended in a really spectacular fashion. I drove to Philly, packed her bags and told her that she was coming home with me because I needed her.

She lived with us for a few months, eventually got into therapy and got herself back on track. This is what you do for your people.

[Anonymous]

Is there any chance alcohol or drugs are involved?

[Anonymous]

Op I think I may be able to help. I also have a single sister with depression "spells" and one time it correlated with a job loss. Like your situation the details were sketchy. I lived about 3.5 hours away but started going to see her weekly. I will be honest and say that was a HUGE burden on my kids and husband. We had older kids with travel spots, 2 working parents, and one toddler still in daycare so leaving for 11 hours every week was tough. I would leave at 5 30 am on Saturday and get there by 9. Every time I went I had a plan for us. Sometimes it was getting our haircut and nails done, sometimes it was shopping for new towels, sometimes I would kinda act like I needed her help…"Will you help me find Larla a first communion dress, can we go to the mall by your house this week and shop and get lunch?", and sometimes we would go on a job. I never made her "talk" but I also forced myself on her. I made it clear we were hanging out. It helped that I just drove to her. She would at least let me inside after driving all that way and 3/4 times we would exit the apartment and following my activity plan. About 8 visits in she mentioned to me she wanted to turn things around and from there on things SLOWLY go better. She ended up getting a part time job a few months later and within 2 years she was working full time again and dating and socializng. She did get on meds which helped SO much. She was a really bitter and mean person under depression and she really pushed a lot of her social circle away and I just made a commitment to myself she wasn't going to push me away. I was just doing to keep showing up and pray we could put this puzzle back together. We also aren't particularly close either and we dont talk about that time period much. Im just mentioning that so you know that you dont have to be the stereotypical best friends for life sisters to help her through this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op I think I may be able to help. I also have a single sister with depression "spells" and one time it correlated with a job loss. Like your situation the details were sketchy. I lived about 3.5 hours away but started going to see her weekly. I will be honest and say that was a HUGE burden on my kids and husband. We had older kids with travel spots, 2 working parents, and one toddler still in daycare so leaving for 11 hours every week was tough. I would leave at 5 30 am on Saturday and get there by 9. Every time I went I had a plan for us. Sometimes it was getting our haircut and nails done, sometimes it was shopping for new towels, sometimes I would kinda act like I needed her help…"Will you help me find Larla a first communion dress, can we go to the mall by your house this week and shop and get lunch?", and sometimes we would go on a job. I never made her "talk" but I also forced myself on her. I made it clear we were hanging out. It helped that I just drove to her. She would at least let me inside after driving all that way and 3/4 times we would exit the apartment and following my activity plan. About 8 visits in she mentioned to me she wanted to turn things around and from there on things SLOWLY go better. She ended up getting a part time job a few months later and within 2 years she was working full time again and dating and socializng. She did get on meds which helped SO much. She was a really bitter and mean person under depression and she really pushed a lot of her social circle away and I just made a commitment to myself she wasn't going to push me away. I was just doing to keep showing up and pray we could put this puzzle back together. We also aren't particularly close either and we dont talk about that time period much. Im just mentioning that so you know that you dont have to be the stereotypical best friends for life sisters to help her through this.

go on a jog…not job!

[Anonymous]

Just wanted to say to the PP that your story nearly brought tears to my eyes. This is why family is so important, why I should call my brothers more.

You're a good and kind person and your sister is lucky to have you! Life is tough. Any time we can just be there and "show up" for the people we love, it adds a little goodness back into the universe.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op I think I may be able to help. I also have a single sister with depression "spells" and one time it correlated with a job loss. Like your situation the details were sketchy. I lived about 3.5 hours away but started going to see her weekly. I will be honest and say that was a HUGE burden on my kids and husband. We had older kids with travel spots, 2 working parents, and one toddler still in daycare so leaving for 11 hours every week was tough. I would leave at 5 30 am on Saturday and get there by 9. Every time I went I had a plan for us. Sometimes it was getting our haircut and nails done, sometimes it was shopping for new towels, sometimes I would kinda act like I needed her help…"Will you help me find Larla a first communion dress, can we go to the mall by your house this week and shop and get lunch?", and sometimes we would go on a job. I never made her "talk" but I also forced myself on her. I made it clear we were hanging out. It helped that I just drove to her. She would at least let me inside after driving all that way and 3/4 times we would exit the apartment and following my activity plan. About 8 visits in she mentioned to me she wanted to turn things around and from there on things SLOWLY go better. She ended up getting a part time job a few months later and within 2 years she was working full time again and dating and socializng. She did get on meds which helped SO much. She was a really bitter and mean person under depression and she really pushed a lot of her social circle away and I just made a commitment to myself she wasn't going to push me away. I was just doing to keep showing up and pray we could put this puzzle back together. We also aren't particularly close either and we dont talk about that time period much. Im just mentioning that so you know that you dont have to be the stereotypical best friends for life sisters to help her through this.

you are a great sister PP!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op I think I may be able to help. I also have a single sister with depression "spells" and one time it correlated with a job loss. Like your situation the details were sketchy. I lived about 3.5 hours away but started going to see her weekly. I will be honest and say that was a HUGE burden on my kids and husband. We had older kids with travel spots, 2 working parents, and one toddler still in daycare so leaving for 11 hours every week was tough. I would leave at 5 30 am on Saturday and get there by 9. Every time I went I had a plan for us. Sometimes it was getting our haircut and nails done, sometimes it was shopping for new towels, sometimes I would kinda act like I needed her help…"Will you help me find Larla a first communion dress, can we go to the mall by your house this week and shop and get lunch?", and sometimes we would go on a job. I never made her "talk" but I also forced myself on her. I made it clear we were hanging out. It helped that I just drove to her. She would at least let me inside after driving all that way and 3/4 times we would exit the apartment and following my activity plan. About 8 visits in she mentioned to me she wanted to turn things around and from there on things SLOWLY go better. She ended up getting a part time job a few months later and within 2 years she was working full time again and dating and socializng. She did get on meds which helped SO much. She was a really bitter and mean person under depression and she really pushed a lot of her social circle away and I just made a commitment to myself she wasn't going to push me away. I was just doing to keep showing up and pray we could put this puzzle back together. We also aren't particularly close either and we dont talk about that time period much. Im just mentioning that so you know that you dont have to be the stereotypical best friends for life sisters to help her through this.

you are a great sister PP!

But maybe not a great parent? That's a LOT of time to spend away from your young children who also need you.

[Anonymous]

what about calling the estranged friend and telling her that you are very concerned about your sister. That might be a horrible idea! but she might be able to get through to her if she knows she really needs help.

And i think just keep checking in. calling. visit when you can. Maybe bring the kids?! kids might lift her spirits? that could also be a disaster.

I guess i have no idea but i'm sorry you are going through this and you are a good sister to care

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op I think I may be able to help. I also have a single sister with depression "spells" and one time it correlated with a job loss. Like your situation the details were sketchy. I lived about 3.5 hours away but started going to see her weekly. I will be honest and say that was a HUGE burden on my kids and husband. We had older kids with travel spots, 2 working parents, and one toddler still in daycare so leaving for 11 hours every week was tough. I would leave at 5 30 am on Saturday and get there by 9. Every time I went I had a plan for us. Sometimes it was getting our haircut and nails done, sometimes it was shopping for new towels, sometimes I would kinda act like I needed her help…"Will you help me find Larla a first communion dress, can we go to the mall by your house this week and shop and get lunch?", and sometimes we would go on a job. I never made her "talk" but I also forced myself on her. I made it clear we were hanging out. It helped that I just drove to her. She would at least let me inside after driving all that way and 3/4 times we would exit the apartment and following my activity plan. About 8 visits in she mentioned to me she wanted to turn things around and from there on things SLOWLY go better. She ended up getting a part time job a few months later and within 2 years she was working full time again and dating and socializng. She did get on meds which helped SO much. She was a really bitter and mean person under depression and she really pushed a lot of her social circle away and I just made a commitment to myself she wasn't going to push me away. I was just doing to keep showing up and pray we could put this puzzle back together. We also aren't particularly close either and we dont talk about that time period much. Im just mentioning that so you know that you dont have to be the stereotypical best friends for life sisters to help her through this.

you are a great sister PP!

But maybe not a great parent? That's a LOT of time to spend away from your young children who also need you.

11 hours a week? And they are home with Dad then? I bet they are fine.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op I think I may be able to help. I also have a single sister with depression "spells" and one time it correlated with a job loss. Like your situation the details were sketchy. I lived about 3.5 hours away but started going to see her weekly. I will be honest and say that was a HUGE burden on my kids and husband. We had older kids with travel spots, 2 working parents, and one toddler still in daycare so leaving for 11 hours every week was tough. I would leave at 5 30 am on Saturday and get there by 9. Every time I went I had a plan for us. Sometimes it was getting our haircut and nails done, sometimes it was shopping for new towels, sometimes I would kinda act like I needed her help…"Will you help me find Larla a first communion dress, can we go to the mall by your house this week and shop and get lunch?", and sometimes we would go on a job. I never made her "talk" but I also forced myself on her. I made it clear we were hanging out. It helped that I just drove to her. She would at least let me inside after driving all that way and 3/4 times we would exit the apartment and following my activity plan. About 8 visits in she mentioned to me she wanted to turn things around and from there on things SLOWLY go better. She ended up getting a part time job a few months later and within 2 years she was working full time again and dating and socializng. She did get on meds which helped SO much. She was a really bitter and mean person under depression and she really pushed a lot of her social circle away and I just made a commitment to myself she wasn't going to push me away. I was just doing to keep showing up and pray we could put this puzzle back together. We also aren't particularly close either and we dont talk about that time period much. Im just mentioning that so you know that you dont have to be the stereotypical best friends for life sisters to help her through this.

you are a great sister PP!

But maybe not a great parent? That's a LOT of time to spend away from your young children who also need you.

And thats why women in our society can never win. When we are a good mother we are a shitty employee. When we are a good employee we are a shitty mother. When we are being a good wife we are being a bad mother. When we are being a good daughter or sister we aren't being a good enough wife or mom. We are constantly being pulled down. Sometimes someone needs you more and you do the best you can. She saw her sister was in need. She went to her aid. Do you realize she could have lost her sister to this? Would you ever knock someone down who aided their sister during chemo or after heart surgery? Most likely not.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op I think I may be able to help. I also have a single sister with depression "spells" and one time it correlated with a job loss. Like your situation the details were sketchy. I lived about 3.5 hours away but started going to see her weekly. I will be honest and say that was a HUGE burden on my kids and husband. We had older kids with travel spots, 2 working parents, and one toddler still in daycare so leaving for 11 hours every week was tough. I would leave at 5 30 am on Saturday and get there by 9. Every time I went I had a plan for us. Sometimes it was getting our haircut and nails done, sometimes it was shopping for new towels, sometimes I would kinda act like I needed her help…"Will you help me find Larla a first communion dress, can we go to the mall by your house this week and shop and get lunch?", and sometimes we would go on a job. I never made her "talk" but I also forced myself on her. I made it clear we were hanging out. It helped that I just drove to her. She would at least let me inside after driving all that way and 3/4 times we would exit the apartment and following my activity plan. About 8 visits in she mentioned to me she wanted to turn things around and from there on things SLOWLY go better. She ended up getting a part time job a few months later and within 2 years she was working full time again and dating and socializng. She did get on meds which helped SO much. She was a really bitter and mean person under depression and she really pushed a lot of her social circle away and I just made a commitment to myself she wasn't going to push me away. I was just doing to keep showing up and pray we could put this puzzle back together. We also aren't particularly close either and we dont talk about that time period much. Im just mentioning that so you know that you dont have to be the stereotypical best friends for life sisters to help her through this.

you are a great sister PP!

But maybe not a great parent? That's a LOT of time to spend away from your young children who also need you.

11 hours a week? And they are home with Dad then? I bet they are fine.

As a working mom with two young kids, the amount of time I see my kids awake during the course of a week is about 33 hours. Three hours during the week (hour in the morning, two in the evening) and then we're together all day on weekends, which for my kids translates to around 9 hours. Still nappers at this point. I can't imagine seeing them for a one third less time. I'm not saying OP isn't a good parent, but 11 hours a week could likely translate to a large percentage of her time with her kids.

[Anonymous]

Op, a couple of years ago I had a similar situation w my sister. It ended very badly for her, and my biggest regret is that I never said anything to her even Though I was incredibly worried for her. I think it is hard trying to balance respecting another adults choices when you are deeply concerned about the choices you see them making.

A couple of thoughts:

In my sisters case there was an underlying medical issue that was impacting her mood. Looking back, my sister would have been much more open to a conversation about going to a doctor to get herself a physIcal (she would not have been open to a conversation about mental health at that point). Maybe telling her that you are concerned because she seems tired a lot and that she should go see a doctor to get checked out could be a way to start a conversation with her.

If she is seeing a therapist, can you ask your sister if you can talk to the therapist? My sister was also seeing a therapist but did not have enough perspective about the situation to tell the therapist things like "I can't get out of. Ed in the morning." Your perspective on your sister might aid her treatment, and if the therapist can talk to you (will need your sisters permission) then you will know what the therapist is concerned about.

Keep the lines of communication open w your sister so if she reaches a crisis she will rbe a home out to you, by don't be scared to be honest about trout worried for her. I was scared to push the situation w my sister and didn't want to fight with her so I didn't stay in close contact. I regret this every day.

Reach out to her friends and family members and share that you are concerned. I felt unable to do this because of respecting my sisters privacy, and it got to a crisis when her friends started reaching out to me with their concerns. I learned that they had Ben concerned for months, and if I had known about it all the behavior they were sharing with me I would have acted instead of just hoping my sister would realize something was wrong.

I wish you and your sister the best.