Elderly Father with dementia and wife is cutting me out
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Anonymous
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My father is 93 and has dementia. He has been married for 20 years (my parents divorced when I was a teenager.) His wife is 78. For some reason, his wife has never liked me. About 7 years ago, he became unable to make his own decisions and that's when she started to cut me out of his life. She would never call. My father has difficulty hearing and it became next to impossible to talk to him on the phone. I would ask for them to come visit but she would say it was too difficult to travel. But they would take trips to visit her children in California and go on cruises. They even came to DC on a veteran's tour but never bothered to tell me they were in town. I understand they were on a schedule and couldn't come to my house, but I could have met them at the Lincoln Memorial and toured it with them. I make a yearly trip to Colorado to visit him but my 3 children (his only grandchildren) haven't seen him in over four years and its been over 8 years since my DH has seen my father.
About six years ago, they talked about moving to San Diego to be closer to her children. I supported them moving because I know that taking care of my father is not easy. And she could use the support from her children. Every time I see him, he looks healthy, well fed, the house is clean, etc. But its a lonely life for her. They finally made the move the first of August - she made the decision in the spring and bought a condo in an over 55 community. In typical fashion, she told me they were moving about 4 weeks before the move (they bought the condo 3 months before they moved.) She sent me a letter with a box of photos of my children that I had given to my father over the years. She signed it: "Have a nice life." She finally gave me their new address and phone number 3 weeks AFTER they had moved. I told her I wanted to come visit (it had been about 10 months since my last visit to Colorado.) She told me she had too much to do. I went anyways the second week of September (stayed in a hotel.) I finally met her daughter and told her my concerns - that my father would pass away and I would get a letter a week after the fact (I'm not joking. I really fear this is what will happen.) Her daughter assured me she'll keep me posted and shared that her mother is "difficult." We did talk about assisted living and I agreed that my father was at the point that he probably would be better taken care of in an assisted living facility. And on my visit, I noticed that his wife is starting to show signs of memory loss. Friday night (10 days after I return from California) my brother gets a text from her son letting us know that my father is now living in a memory care facility. I still have not heard from my dad's wife. I'm not surprised that she hasn't told us. I'm livid that I was out there and we could have toured facilities together. What should I do? Should I go back out there - unannounced? Is there any way to make sure that I am kept informed? I love my father and only want what's best for him. I don't want to be cut out but its difficult when I am clear across the country and my brother is no longer an hour away. And what do I do if she becomes unable to take care of herself? I would be willing to have him here near me (unfortunately we'd have to do major renovations to our house to have him living with me.) |
Anonymous
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I'm currently caring for both of my parents who have dementia. Still married.
I'd try to put aside the anger at the stepmom: if she has memory loss it sounds like she could have dementia as well. That impairs judgment on how to treat people and increases agitation etc. He's in a facility now. Go visit and see how he is. If you don't like it you could talk to an elder care lawyer about trying to move him but he may be ok. |
Anonymous
| Go visit and provide your contact information and your brother's contact information to the facility. Make contacts there who can keep you up to date on your father's condition. |
Anonymous
Agree with this. Go and see him and make sure staff at the facility know who you are. |
Anonymous
+1 It's all about cultivating relationships now - with the wife's daughter, with her son, and with the folks at the facility. Keep in good touch with your brother too. As for a visit, if budget allows it could be helpful. I can't think of a reason not to announce, even if only on short notice, especially if you're willing to stay at a hotel again. Take back some of those photos with you to hang on the walls in his room at the facility.  Also, consider within the next year taking a trip out there with the whole family. When taking children to visit an elderly person in a memory care facility, time your visit in advance - between the facility schedule and the family member's sleep and eating pattern, there's a rhythm to the day and certain times per day are better for visits than others. Also, short visits over multiple days are better than a marathon visit on one day.
Where does your brother live and how often does he see your father? |
Anonymous
| I'm sorry, not too sound cruel, but you have nothing to do with the day-to-day care of your father. He is lucky he has someone to take care of him. If you are so concerned, you'd have been out to visit more than once a year. The fact that you asked them to visit you is a joke and means nothing. |
Anonymous
OP here - thank you for the response. Yes, I know I have nothing to do with the day-to-day care of my father. And from what I've seen his wife has taken very good care of him. I didn't visit more than once a year for a couple of reasons: my brother was an hour away and would see him frequently. Finances are tight (I work part time so we don't have a great deal of disposable income) and a trip to Colorado can not be done in a two day weekend. I have three children at home and I need to make sure my husband's schedule is flexible while I'm gone. Up until a year ago, my mother was still alive and living in Kansas, so I would divide my time to visit her as well. Flying four people to Kansas or Colorado on holidays when the children are not in school is very expensive. When my father was able to make his own decisions, he would visit me frequently. When he became incapable of making decisions, but still capable of traveling, they would travel all over the world (they both loved traveling.) I would ask her to visit me, she would reply: "It's too hard to travel with your father." Two minutes later, she would tell me about their latest trip to Hawaii or their upcoming cruise to Greece or visiting her children in California That's what bothered me. I viewed it as her way of trying to cut me out. Maybe I'm wrong and I should have made more of an effort to visit. |
Anonymous
Is it really a surprise that she would rather visit her own family or Greece than visit you guys? But that is in the past now. So as other poster mentioned, make sure you are on the contact list for the home, you need to be on whatever HIPPA form they have so you can get information regarding his health (not that you should be interfering in what is done). other than that, you need to visit him. See if you can create a relationship with the wife's children, seems they may have had a closer relationship through her with your father. |
Anonymous
Nothing. She isn't your concern. She has children that will make decisions for her. You have no standing as a 'step-daughter'. |
Anonymous
I think OP meant that the wife has been caring for and making decisions for the father; if the wife becomes unable to do that, then want will happen? |
Anonymous
*what will happen |
Anonymous
It's his wife's job, not OP's, to take care of him. |
Anonymous
Right. It sounds like the wife is capable of caring for her husband, so what's the need for the OP to get involved? Probably the wife would not like the interference, anyway. There's no need for the wife to so totally cut OP out of the loop about her own father. And I think it's really sad that the wife is cutting out her husband's children. OP said that once they were even in the same city and didn't tell her. That's just petty and mean. |
Anonymous
| You really cannot win this situation at this point. And in fact, I suspect you are focusing on it to deflect from other more uncomfortable issues with your dad's mortality. |
Anonymous
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What about his estate, OP? |