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[quote=Anonymous]My father is 93 and has dementia.  He has been married for 20 years (my parents divorced when I was a teenager.)  His wife is 78.  For some reason, his wife has never liked me.  About 7 years ago, he became unable to make his own decisions and that's when she started to cut me out of his life.  She would never call.  My father has difficulty hearing and it became next to impossible to talk to him on the phone.  I would ask for them to come visit but she would say it was too difficult to travel.  But they would take trips to visit her children in California and go on cruises.  They even came to DC on a veteran's tour but never bothered to tell me they were in town.  I understand they were on a schedule and couldn't come to my house, but I could have met them at the Lincoln Memorial and toured it with them.  I make a yearly trip to Colorado to visit him but my 3 children (his only grandchildren) haven't seen him in over four years and its been over 8 years since my DH has seen my father.

About six years ago, they talked about moving to San Diego to be closer to her children.  I supported them moving because I know that taking care of my father is not easy.  And she could use the support from her children.  Every time I see him, he looks healthy, well fed, the house is clean, etc.  But its a lonely life for her.  They finally made the move the first of August - she made the decision in the spring and bought a condo in an over 55 community.  In typical fashion, she told me they were moving about 4 weeks before the move (they bought the condo 3 months before they moved.)  She sent me a letter with a box of photos of my children that I had given to my father over the years.  She signed it: "Have a nice life."  She finally gave me their new address and phone number 3 weeks AFTER they had moved.  I told her I wanted to come visit (it had been about 10 months since my last visit to Colorado.)  She told me she had too much to do. I went anyways the second week of September (stayed in a hotel.)

I finally met her daughter and told her my concerns - that my father would pass away and I would get a letter a week after the fact (I'm not joking.  I really fear this is what will happen.)  Her daughter assured me she'll keep me posted and shared that her mother is "difficult."  We did talk about assisted living and I agreed that my father was at the point that he probably would be better taken care of in an assisted living facility.  And on my visit, I noticed that his wife is starting to show signs of memory loss.

Friday night (10 days after I return from California) my brother gets a text from her son letting us know that my father is now living in a memory care facility.  I still have not heard from my dad's wife.  I'm not surprised that she hasn't told us.  I'm livid that I was out there and we could have toured facilities together.

What should I do?  Should I go back out there - unannounced?  Is there any way to make sure that I am kept informed?  I love my father and only want what's best for him.  I don't want to be cut out but its difficult when I am clear across the country and my brother is no longer an hour away.  And what do I do if she becomes unable to take care of herself?  I would be willing to have him here near me (unfortunately we'd have to do major renovations to our house to have him living with me.) [/quote]

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