All clothing is ugly these days

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09/15/2017 16:21

Subject: All clothing is ugly these days

quote

Anonymous

Ladies, forgive me: a rant. Women's clothing is just objectively ugly these days. And it's a universal trend, from department stores to discount stores to outlets to boutiques to chains. All women's clothing, for all sizes and shapes and price points, is hideously ugly.

Bizarro Prints/Colors

You know how the color palette of the 70s was earth tones and off-beat shades like pumpkin and avacado? You know how the color palette of the 80s was neons and bright jewel tones? See how those are two completely different color palettes? Well, put them together in a blender, and that is what is going on right now. Same with patterns. Forget things that make sense, like polka dots or houndstooth or pretty florals. Everything now is just...random.

At one point, I was considering a shirt that was a lovely material/weight, which had a really nice cut/fit. I loved it. Except it was a HIDEOUS navy-on-blue print of morning glories or some other flower...like, close-up of the interior of these flowers. I stood there, staring at it. I closed my eyes and summoned the spirit of Georgia O'Keefe. Even she agreed: "This shirt looks like vaginas, and you shouldn't buy it."

Like, who designed a vagina shirt? And then who approved that design? How do you tell your fabric vendor that you'd like 5,300 yards of vagina print in a merino wool with a hint of stretch? What does that conversation look like?

Medieval Times

Let's get into the "cold-shoulder" trend. OK, fine, some people really love to show off their shoulders in a long-sleeve shirt. Note I'm not talking about off-the shoulder. No, we're talking even turtlenecks that show off just the top patch of shoulder for NO REASON. Forget the optical confusion of this look, why would you want your shoulders to be cold? If it is cold enough for a TURTLENECK, why would you expose your shoulders? NO SENSE.

I saw a thick, heavy sleeveless funnel neck sweater that REACHED THE MID-THIGH. If it is cold enough to wear a sweater that comes to your thighs, why would your arms be hanging out. I don't understand!

So that's all bad enough, but now this trend has extended to inexplicably slashed sleeves and Tudor-esque hanging sleeves--on corporate-wear. If you want to look like that Shakespeare-obsessed teenage girl from "10 Things I Hate About You" as a grown-ass woman, that's a look, at least. That's fine, I GUESS. BUT, it appears that the new fashion is to add these Ye Olde Touches to **work attire,** as in a fitted sheath dress that looks like something Joan from "Mad Men" would wear, except the sleeves are all slashed Elizabethan-style. Just...what?

Because--as we know from reading too many Philippa Gregory novels--the function of slashed sleeves was to show the expensive undershirts, and the function of long hanging sleeves was to hide Anne Boleyn's rumored sixth finger. None of this functionality is needed at a board meeting on a Tuesday or a lobbyist's office on a Wednesday. There IS no intersection of Wall Street and Whitehall Palace. I am so mad.

Random Shit

There were so many times, at so many stores where I reached for what I thought was a BASIC, only to find that it had some random shitty detail. Like, not a blouse with pretty jeweled buttons, or a pair of pants with a ribbon sash or anything nice like that. No, I'm talking about a basic long-sleeved button-down with...a sequined pineapple on the pocket. A pair of shoes that had no fewer than seven buckles across the top...and no, they weren't boots, they were flats.

I just don't understand why pants have to have umbrellas on them, you know? I feel like clothing manufacturers got together in 2008 and just decided they were done producing clothing that made sense.

Nobody Wants Middle-Aged Money

I wandered into J Crew, and clearly I am too old. I tiptoed into Talbots, and was confronted by a pair of stretch pants with an olive/martini glass print, so I am clearly too young. Why does no one want to cater to me, a boring, middle-aged mom with a job who just doesn't want to wear olives or pineapples? I'm too chubby for cropped tops, plus also, I can't wear crop tops to work OR to the park with my kids. On the other side of the coin, I just kind of feel like stirrup pants would make me tumble into menopause at an accelerated pace. Why does no one want to make some basic clothing and take my money?

I want my shoulders to be warm, and not to wear a vagina shirt. Is that too much to ask?

I could go on, but I will stop. Please tell me I am not the only one in this group with the worst wardrobe I have ever had, including when I was 6 and owned a terry-cloth romper that made me look like a strawberry, or when I was 19 and had at least three items in my closet that were purchased at Charlotte Russe.

Thank you for your consideration.