Close to MIL..

[Anonymous]

I'm not sure if this is the right thread but I am looking for advice. I had a rough childhood and as a result, I am not close with my mother, because most of the issues stem around her. She's a narcissistic, insecure woman who has alway put us down. She is two faced, controlling, and rude. She acts out like a child throwing a tantrum when she doesn't get her way, and constantly gossips and makes things up. My MIL is the COMPLETE opposite. She is the mom I have always wanted -- loving, supportive, always kind to others, etc. We all have flaws, but I just don't get along with my mom.

I live with my husband in his home state, where his family lives, and we are expecting our first child. My MIL and I super close, and she wants to throw me the baby shower. My mom said she should do it, and has always been jealous of relationship. My MIL never had a daughter, and she views me as the daughter she never had. Would it be wrong of me to let my MIL throw it and not my mom? I know it will upset her, but she and I don't get along that well. She will turn it into a party for her, like she did my older sisters baby shower. Any advice?

[Anonymous]

Let them both throw one, assuming there is no overlap in guests. How geographically close are they?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Let them both throw one, assuming there is no overlap in guests. How geographically close are they?

Far. We live in VA, and they are in the Mid-west.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Let them both throw one, assuming there is no overlap in guests. How geographically close are they?

+1

You can definitely have more than 1, makes sense to have one where you are now and one at the place where you grew up that is family/HS friends that you remained close with. Invite your mom to MIL's and MiL to mom's.

[Anonymous]

Wrong forum.

[Anonymous]

Scary. I could've written this. Is your husband an only child?
I was in a similar position. I was and am still closer to my MIL. But I have been hurt because I never set up appropriate boundaries. I also forgot that I was a inlaw. There are times when I'm reminded and it hurts.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Scary. I could've written this. Is your husband an only child?
I was in a similar position. I was and am still closer to my MIL. But I have been hurt because I never set up appropriate boundaries. I also forgot that I was a inlaw. There are times when I'm reminded and it hurts.

Op here. No. He has siblings. I've never felt like disrespected by them.

[Anonymous]

What a good problem to have OP! Im jealous!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Scary. I could've written this. Is your husband an only child?
I was in a similar position. I was and am still closer to my MIL. But I have been hurt because I never set up appropriate boundaries. I also forgot that I was a inlaw. There are times when I'm reminded and it hurts.

Op here. No. He has siblings. I've never felt like disrespected by them.

Okay. So it's all boys just like my situation. Is your DH the oldest? I just ask that you protect your heart. I've projected my mother issues onto my MIL and she her lack of daughter issues on to me. We have a great relationship but it hasn't been without its issues, especially when other siblings got married and then there were more DIL's. Essentially I got relegated back to the position of "DIL"
As or not make the others upset. It showed me that I needed to protect my heart and make sure I never got my MiL and my mom confused. They are not the same.

[Anonymous]

Has your mother actually made any moves toward planning a shower, or is things just talk? I would let your MIL throw you the shower, and then if your mom really wants to throw another one, say she can do it with her friends in her hometown and you'll travel out for it.

I'm lucky to have a very close relationship with my MIL as well (she's also local to us). I've never gotten burned by it or had to worry about putting up boundaries to protect myself as an in-law, she's added so much to my life and I'm really grateful to have her. It doesn't always have to be games and problems.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Has your mother actually made any moves toward planning a shower, or is things just talk? I would let your MIL throw you the shower, and then if your mom really wants to throw another one, say she can do it with her friends in her hometown and you'll travel out for it.

I'm lucky to have a very close relationship with my MIL as well (she's also local to us). I've never gotten burned by it or had to worry about putting up boundaries to protect myself as an in-law, she's added so much to my life and I'm really grateful to have her. It doesn't always have to be games and problems.

Does your MIL have daughters?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Has your mother actually made any moves toward planning a shower, or is things just talk? I would let your MIL throw you the shower, and then if your mom really wants to throw another one, say she can do it with her friends in her hometown and you'll travel out for it.

I'm lucky to have a very close relationship with my MIL as well (she's also local to us). I've never gotten burned by it or had to worry about putting up boundaries to protect myself as an in-law, she's added so much to my life and I'm really grateful to have her. It doesn't always have to be games and problems.

Does your MIL have daughters?

No, just sons.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Has your mother actually made any moves toward planning a shower, or is things just talk? I would let your MIL throw you the shower, and then if your mom really wants to throw another one, say she can do it with her friends in her hometown and you'll travel out for it.

I'm lucky to have a very close relationship with my MIL as well (she's also local to us). I've never gotten burned by it or had to worry about putting up boundaries to protect myself as an in-law, she's added so much to my life and I'm really grateful to have her. It doesn't always have to be games and problems.

Does your MIL have daughters?

No, just sons.

I'm pp. Can you share more about your relationship. I'm genuinely interested. Are you the only dil? Thanks

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Has your mother actually made any moves toward planning a shower, or is things just talk? I would let your MIL throw you the shower, and then if your mom really wants to throw another one, say she can do it with her friends in her hometown and you'll travel out for it.

I'm lucky to have a very close relationship with my MIL as well (she's also local to us). I've never gotten burned by it or had to worry about putting up boundaries to protect myself as an in-law, she's added so much to my life and I'm really grateful to have her. It doesn't always have to be games and problems.

Does your MIL have daughters?

No, just sons.

I'm pp. Can you share more about your relationship. I'm genuinely interested. Are you the only dil? Thanks

No, she has one other DIL (two sons). They're not local to us, so I don't think MIL and SIL are as close as we are because they don't see each other all the time, but whenever BIL and SIL are in town, MIL makes a point to spend time with her as well.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Scary. I could've written this. Is your husband an only child?
I was in a similar position. I was and am still closer to my MIL. But I have been hurt because I never set up appropriate boundaries. I also forgot that I was a inlaw. There are times when I'm reminded and it hurts.

Op here. No. He has siblings. I've never felt like disrespected by them.

Okay. So it's all boys just like my situation. Is your DH the oldest? I just ask that you protect your heart. I've projected my mother issues onto my MIL and she her lack of daughter issues on to me. We have a great relationship but it hasn't been without its issues, especially when other siblings got married and then there were more DIL's. Essentially I got relegated back to the position of "DIL"
As or not make the others upset. It showed me that I needed to protect my heart and make sure I never got my MiL and my mom confused. They are not the same.

I have a similar position as the OP and my experience has not been like yours at all and I'm 20 years into my marriage. I feel so lucky MIL had her son (my husband) at age 21, so she is still fairly young amd we have hwr with us for many more years to come.

It sounds like you might have read the realtionship wrong in the first place combined with the fact that your MIL is not a nice person.

I definitely do not confuse my MIL wirh my mom, but what i know for sure is who demonstrates their love in action best.

For OP, id just do the mimimum to placate your mom and have your real shower with your MIL and a pity party with your mom.