Getting touched one too many times by a colleague
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Anonymous
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I am literally the only woman in my workplace. Over the years I have developed a fairly thick skin - without going into too much detail, most of the men I work with are either single or they are living apart from their wives. Anyway, the hours are long, I'm probably the only woman some of these guys have contact with on any given day. I get hit on and I blow it off.
Yesterday though I kind of snapped. One of my colleagues is really "touchy feely" with me. His excuse is always to ask what brand of clothing I'm wearing, then grab the piece of apparel, pull it from my body and look at the label. I usually just pull away and tell him my husband buys my clothes and hope that he gets the message - I know that the first time he did it I should have told someone, or told him to stop, or whatever but he's a pretty important person on the staff and I don't want to look like I'm a problem for him. As I'm writing this I realize I sound like I've enabled his bad behavior. Anyway, yesterday I was alone in my office and he came in, asked what brand my sweater was - I told him I didn't know, and he reached for me - I pushed my chair back and said DON'T TOUCH ME. He was totally taken aback and I guess I was too (I didn't plan on reacting like that - it just happened. I never raise my voice, really ever, at anyone). I kind of apologized, backpedaled and told him, it wasn't anything personal but I just didn't want anyone to touch me. He then started talking about all his connections and even used the phrase "do you know anything about me?" implying how powerful he is in our industry. Part of me is afraid he's going to use his connections to get me fired at the end of this contract year based on the way he reacted. Part of me thinks he was just talking out loud to convince HIMSELF how powerful he is, to reassure himself that he can do whatever he wants (including touch his female colleague). I don't really know what to do. I've lasted this long in an environment where I get hit on a lot (he's not the only one), where I overhear a lot of misogynistic banter, where the music played have lyrics that do nothing but degrade women - I'm tired of it all. I don't know who to talk to or what to do. I actually LOVE my job and love a lot of the people I work with. Only a few of the guys are problems. Finding a new job would be tough. Maybe I just need a place to vent. I don't know why I've hit a wall, but yesterday I think I hit my limit. I don't know how to even begin to change the environment. Realistically I think I have to just gut it out and hope me pushing back at this guy doesn't come back to haunt me. Thanks for letting me vent and if anyone has any feedback (I know a lot of you would tell me to grow a spine) I'll gladly take it. |
Anonymous
| Go to HR. Now. |
Anonymous
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What. the. hell.
I don't know you from Adam, but you deserve better than that. Good for you for speaking up in the moment. |
Anonymous
| It's ok to tell someone not to touch you |
Anonymous
| The thing is, you have no proof, so going to HR would be pointless to me. Continue to monitor how he behaves since the incident. Odds are that he is so scared that he will stop |
Anonymous
| Go to HR. Advocate for yourself. You are making all sorts of excuses and downplaying what happened. I know you're freaking out but you can't just lay down and take it, rationalizing his behavior away. You owe it to yourself after to many years of dealing with this. |
Anonymous
Thank you. I guess the thing is it seems somewhat harmless to grab someones shirt and look at the label...at first...so i guess that's why I just shrugged it off all the time. I honestly do not know what happened yesterday to make me snap like that. I guess I'm glad I did on one hand but like I said in the post i'm also worried it could affect my job. I do appreciate the person who said to go to HR. I'm little embarrassed to do tat because I have to admit how long i've let it go on... |
Anonymous
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OK I'm a woman and an HR lady. As just a female employee, knowing what I know, here is what I think.
He probably said the threatening stuff because he is afraid. You probably scared him enough that he will not touch you again. Personally I would write a memo to file documenting the conversation/actions, but I personally would not go to HR> If anything happens again I would go to HR. |
Anonymous
| He's threatening you! You need to document everything he said and go to HR. |
Anonymous
| Pulling your clothes to look at the inside (where I'm assuming the tags are) is totally inappropriate. And when you told him not to, he started talking about how he has power over you?!?!? To me, that sounds like quid pro quo sexual harassment: "Let me touch you and pull on your clothes or I will hurt your job prospects/get you fired." Quid pro quo sexual harassment is illegal. Talk to your HR or management. Document this. It is totally not acceptable. If he does anything to harm your career, talk to an employment lawyer. This is totally f-ed up. |
Anonymous
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I think that documenting this behavior could allow OP to have some recourse if he does start some retaliatory behavior.
However, I can see that the right course of action would vary from place to place. I'm so sorry that you have to deal with this, OP. I admire your strength and that you stood up for yourself. |
Anonymous
Would you rather have your job and have things escalate to needing to give BJs and have sleepovers, or would you rather risk losing your job and taking out a bunch of predators along the way? |
Anonymous
| Maybe he wants you. Is that bad? |
Anonymous
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You should not have apologized.
I would have set boundaries long long ago. These people don't respect you as a person, how can they possibly respect you as a colleague? |
Anonymous
Go back to watching Cinemax. |