Getting touched one too many times by a colleague

[Anonymous]

The american dream. Sue and be merry.

[Anonymous]

Send him an email stating that his touching of your clothes, on your body, in and out of the workplace is not appreciated or welcomed. If it continues, HR will be notified. That paper trail will scare the shit out of him

[Anonymous]

What is keeping you in this job?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What is keeping you in this job?

I have been asking myself that question a lot over the past few days. I do love the meat and bones of what I do. And the team of guys I work with (there are four of us in our division) are great. And the money is really important right now - my husband is in between jobs.

[Anonymous]

OP, whether or not you go to HR I encourage you to write a detailed memo documenting exactly what has happened, over how long, and what you and he both said. Make sure it's time stamped and save it somewhere safe and/or send it to a trusted person so they have it as well. This way if he tries to sandbag you or retaliate in any way you have time-stamped evidence of what went down. Would it be enough to take to HR, maybe not. But it could protect you if he tries anything.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Men are creeps.

There is nothing you can really do. We women just need to live in the hell men force on everybody around them, including themselves.

Fuck off, idiot.

[Anonymous]

Write a memo and start looking for a new job. Not appropriate at all. I'm one of two female engineers in an office of 50 and have never ever been touched beyond a handshake nor hit on or any other suggestive behavior. I'm 35 and have been here for 10 years with guys same age. It's not normal.

[Anonymous]

HR will not do anything for you. Do not trust HR.

[Anonymous]

I would start documenting every inappropriate incidence. Totally not appropriate to grab your clothes and look at the tag. Who cares what brand. Not normal.

Th stuff he said after is totally a threat. I'd write it all down. Email it to yourself.

You should not have apologized.

I'd probably go to HR - at least aks for advice withOut naming names and see what they say.

[Anonymous]

memo to file + email it to yourself at a minimum. i agree you probably scared the everloving shit out of him and he won't repeat.

i don't have a good sense of whether it can affect your overall position though. will this guy oversee future promotions/opportunities/etc? because i worry that he would hold it against you?

[Anonymous]

OP, I've been in a situation similar to yours, right down to being the only female and most of the men being single or away from their wives.

Yes, crap like this happens. It is all too common, unfortunately. You are not alone in going through this. But that does not by ANY means mean that it is acceptable, or in any way your fault. I can hear in your post that you feel like you share some blame for enabling his behavior, but stop and think about that for a minute. Do we tell rape victims that they deserved it because they flirted with the guy? Maybe 50 years ago, but now we know better. I know your case isn't that extreme, but I still hate to hear that tone of self-doubt. You are stronger than that.

I'm not sure how much advice I can give, because ultimately my solution was to leave. I hated "giving in" to them, I felt like I was failing by quitting ... but ultimately the situation just wasn't tenable, and I finally concluded that I could not control other people's actions, only my own. I would not be able to change the culture on my own, there were too many people who accepted it, so I had to remove myself.

In your case, all PPs seem right on about documenting. Whether to go to HR or not ... hard to say without knowing the culture better. Do you have HR on site? Does HR know you, do they know the men involved?

My only other recommendation: is there another male colleague that you trust, and could confide in? Someone to help watch your back, and maybe even be willing to testify later if needed that you told him about this behavior on XX date? In my situation, I had a brief period where I was close to a small group of guys that treated me like a little sister. If anyone tried to mess with me, they didn't start trouble, but they did surround me as a show of moral support. I found the worst offenders like to do their thing on the sly (like coming in to your office when nobody else is around), so just having a constantly present group helped ward off most problems. It was actually soon after most of the group dispersed to other sites that things got worse again and I left.

Best of luck to you, OP. I hope you find a way through this with your sanity intact.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I've been in a situation similar to yours, right down to being the only female and most of the men being single or away from their wives.

Yes, crap like this happens. It is all too common, unfortunately. You are not alone in going through this. But that does not by ANY means mean that it is acceptable, or in any way your fault. I can hear in your post that you feel like you share some blame for enabling his behavior, but stop and think about that for a minute. Do we tell rape victims that they deserved it because they flirted with the guy? Maybe 50 years ago, but now we know better. I know your case isn't that extreme, but I still hate to hear that tone of self-doubt. You are stronger than that.

I'm not sure how much advice I can give, because ultimately my solution was to leave. I hated "giving in" to them, I felt like I was failing by quitting ... but ultimately the situation just wasn't tenable, and I finally concluded that I could not control other people's actions, only my own. I would not be able to change the culture on my own, there were too many people who accepted it, so I had to remove myself.

In your case, all PPs seem right on about documenting. Whether to go to HR or not ... hard to say without knowing the culture better. Do you have HR on site? Does HR know you, do they know the men involved?

My only other recommendation: is there another male colleague that you trust, and could confide in? Someone to help watch your back, and maybe even be willing to testify later if needed that you told him about this behavior on XX date? In my situation, I had a brief period where I was close to a small group of guys that treated me like a little sister. If anyone tried to mess with me, they didn't start trouble, but they did surround me as a show of moral support. I found the worst offenders like to do their thing on the sly (like coming in to your office when nobody else is around), so just having a constantly present group helped ward off most problems. It was actually soon after most of the group dispersed to other sites that things got worse again and I left.

Best of luck to you, OP. I hope you find a way through this with your sanity intact.

Thanks so much for this. I really appreciate it. I did tell a close colleague of mine yesterday and he was very, very receptive to listening to me. He told me I didn't do anything wrong (as you mentioned in your post I have definitely blamed myself for allowing him to do it for years). He told me he would talk to the guy or even escalate it and talk to HR. I asked not to do either thing, it felt good enough just to talk to someone about it and get it off my chest. I had tears in my eyes (which I hate but I couldn't help it) and it felt pretty cathartic just to talk about it out loud. I have been raped and molested (as a kid) and like so many other women, suckily, I've just accepted that even though it shouldn't be like this, there are men who don't respect women or our bodies and don't treat us as equals.

I'm going to see this guy tomorrow and over the weekend at work (he goes from site to site but he's with us on the weekends) and I'm feeling nervous, but at least since I told my colleague I know I have someone on my side. My guess is that the guy who touches me will just leave me alone but if he doesn't I have someone looking out for me.

I'm still thinking of leaving at the end of this contract year. I don't know where else I could go, but if I could find something with equivalent pay where it wasn't such a hostile environment (honestly what eats at me most are the lyrics to the music that is always on - why does every song have to include at least one reference to a guy getting oral sex or how many women he has "fucked" that day?).

[Anonymous]

22:26 PP again.

I'm glad you have someone there you can trust, but that still sounds like a crappy situation. Ugh, I would hate listening to that kind of music too. I remember going into to things thinking that I could be "one of the guys".... and for the most part, I was, but there were some things that made me feel like there was a fine line between "being one of the guys" and being a doormat. Unfortunately, though, I don't think there's any way to really change that kind of culture. Can you at least put headphones on so you don't have to listen to it?

You did the right thing by standing up to that guy. Please don't second guess that decision. If you hadn't, he would keep getting worse. Ask me how I know. I know it's hard to put up walls from the beginning - you want to be friendly and accepted as part of the group, and stuff that "isn't so bad" is easier to just let go. And for most of them, it levels out there. But then with some guys, it escalates ... the guy is thinking "she didn't say stop at X so I guess I can try Y" .... you have to draw the line somewhere. You, and ONLY you, get to decide where that line is. Don't let them make you feel bad about drawing it, and don't let anyone make you feel bad about not drawing it earlier. It's your body, your choice.

Good luck this weekend. Hopefully he just needed a clear line drawn and he'll stay away now that he knows you won't take it anymore. If not, kick him in the balls . I'm rooting for you.

[Anonymous]

I am much older so I have experience. My take is:

1) Don't go to HR because they are there to protect the company from lawsuits. You are not suing him you are suing the company. His buddies will all say you are a whore and why didn't you stop this earlier. Or that you liked it before and you changed.
2) You have to learn to handle these situations. You could have told him the brand thus stopping him from reaching to look at the label. You did let this continue (for years?) without stopping it. You could have joked and said "you can look but don't touch."
3)Know your worth. Men do this to women who let them. Ask yourself, who are the women they don't behave this way with? Older, successful, friends with their family, same country club etc.?
4)I know it's hard being the only woman in the group and you want to fit in. But, really women are different and if you can see that and not worry about "being one of the guys" you will be better off.

I am not judging you or criticizing you, I learned this the hard way by being in your shoes. I can look back and see how naive I was to how men act differently with women.

Also, not all men are like this. It depends on the industry. If you are around the frat/club boy kind you are in more trouble. I actually had to leave a misogynist industry and I felt like a failure but in the end it was the best thing.

Good luck!