His mom always comes before me

[Anonymous]

Another story of getting married in June and I can't get rid of the nagging feeling that I am #2 and his mom is #1.
He's 34 and has always been available to her, and if she says jump, he will ask how high.

He goes away and spends time with her, leaving me alone (not inviting me)
He has cancelled our plans to do something with her.
She comes to visit us 2 times a month and stays the entire weekend.

Will this ever change?

Will she step back once we're married?

[Anonymous]

Nope won't change and won't get better. Address it now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Another story of getting married in June and I can't get rid of the nagging feeling that I am #2 and his mom is #1.
He's 34 and has always been available to her, and if she says jump, he will ask how high.

He goes away and spends time with her, leaving me alone (not inviting me)
He has cancelled our plans to do something with her.
She comes to visit us 2 times a month and stays the entire weekend.

Will this ever change?

Will she step back once we're married?[/quote]

It will only change if your DH or his mom want it to change.

Have you talked to him about it? Work this out before you get married.

[Anonymous]

[Anonymous]

Was she a single mom? I feel like sons with single moms seem to have a much stronger attachment.

But no, this won't change.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Was she a single mom? I feel like sons with single moms seem to have a much stronger attachment.

But no, this won't change.

Parents divorced when he was 2, mom got remarried when he was 6 then divorced when he was 12. Single ever since.

[Anonymous]

Will never change. In fact, it will probably get worse.

[Anonymous]

Nope will not change. Will get exponentially worse when you have kids. Expect her to eventually move in with you. Address it now or call off the wedding.

[Anonymous]

If you aren't totally fine with this now, it's not the relationship for you. It will only become worse and a bigger issue. When you have children, she will stay #1 in his ranking and leave you to deal with the kids. If there is any resentment now on your part (which is understandable), that's a sign not to go forward.

Have you talked with him about it? Asked for specific things (like 1 weekend a month visiting, or no cancelling on you)?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Nope will not change. Will get exponentially worse when you have kids. Expect her to eventually move in with you. Address it now or call off the wedding.

I can't + this enough. It will NOT get better, only worse.

[Anonymous]

Even if it changes momentarily while he appeases you, it will come back. If you truly want to marry him, make peace with their relationship now.

[Anonymous]

It can change with a lot of couples' counseling (think once a week for years). I've been there. Married for 8 years now and boundaries are up and his relationship with his mother is as healthy as it will ever get.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It can change with a lot of couples' counseling (think once a week for years). I've been there. Married for 8 years now and boundaries are up and his relationship with his mother is as healthy as it will ever get.

I should clarify that there are no kids in the picture (and will never be - not because of this issue though). I can imagine that would create more friction for sure.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Nope will not change. Will get exponentially worse when you have kids. Expect her to eventually move in with you. Address it now or call off the wedding.

I can't + this enough. It will NOT get better, only worse.

Agree.

[Anonymous]

My husband has a ridiculously close relationship with his mother. It's not normal. I refuse to move near her as she would be over 24/7. I refuse to get a bigger house so that there is no guest room for her. She is a neat freak and luckily I am a slob. I'm hoping that means she'll stay in a hotel from now on. Don't think she can handle my pets and all their hair over everything. Maybe there is something you can do to discourage visits?