His mom always comes before me

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It can change with a lot of couples' counseling (think once a week for years). I've been there. Married for 8 years now and boundaries are up and his relationship with his mother is as healthy as it will ever get.

I think it wouldn't hurt to see a family counselor. He probably isn't aware of how much he needs to adjust things. If he's loyal, loving, and close to his mother, he can be that way with you, once he sees that the umbilical cord can stretch enough to allow room for you to step in as his primary partner. If his mom is emotionally healthy, she should be encouraging this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Another story of getting married in June and I can't get rid of the nagging feeling that I am #2 and his mom is #1.
He's 34 and has always been available to her, and if she says jump, he will ask how high.

He goes away and spends time with her, leaving me alone (not inviting me)
He has cancelled our plans to do something with her.
She comes to visit us 2 times a month and stays the entire weekend.

Will this ever change?

Will she step back once we're married?

Do you truly not like his mom, or is it just jealousy?

[Anonymous]

Based on the title, I was thinking this post was about something different. Thank God I was wrong.

[Anonymous]

I feel for you. I've been married 10 years, and while it's possible to keep a healthy distance from her, it's a very painful process for all involved - the mom who wants nothing other than to spend as much time with her son, your husband, who wants nothing more than to make both women happy, and you, who wants nothing more than privacy and healthy boundaries. My husband's mom's life basically centers around ours. And she lives 5 minutes away. We have seen a counselor, but that still doesn't change my MIL, whose life centers around us. She has no work, no friends, no church or social system. Her entire life revolves around when she saw us last and when she will see us again. We try to limit our gatherings to once/month. Like I said - it's painful for all, and it won't get any easier after marriage. It only gets harder after you give birth to HER grandchild. My MIL is very possessive about HER grandchildren. It drives me insane.

[Anonymous]

He's the man in her life. It's admirable he took her emotional baggage and has been there for her. They've only been able to rely upon each other their whole lives.

Stop competing. Would you rather that he hates his family?
It could always be worse.

And, frankly, I bet you could end up getting a lot of free daycare out of the situation. Use it to your advantage; his mother can become your powerful ally.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Another story of getting married in June and I can't get rid of the nagging feeling that I am #2 and his mom is #1.
He's 34 and has always been available to her, and if she says jump, he will ask how high.

He goes away and spends time with her, leaving me alone (not inviting me)
He has cancelled our plans to do something with her.
She comes to visit us 2 times a month and stays the entire weekend.

Will this ever change?

Will she step back once we're married?

Do you truly not like his mom, or is it just jealousy?

NP here. What on earth is there to like about a woman who comes to your house every other weekend and stays for the entire weekend? Op deserves to have a home life with her husband. This MIL is nuts. And I am the mother of boys.

[Anonymous]

Won't change.

ExBF bought a townhouse not three streets over from his mom. I knew then that it wasn't going to work. Didn't help that she was grade-A b.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Nope will not change. Will get exponentially worse when you have kids. Expect her to eventually move in with you. Address it now or call off the wedding.

I can't + this enough. It will NOT get better, only worse.

Mine died 4 years later so yes it can get better!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Another story of getting married in June and I can't get rid of the nagging feeling that I am #2 and his mom is #1.
He's 34 and has always been available to her, and if she says jump, he will ask how high.

He goes away and spends time with her, leaving me alone (not inviting me)
He has cancelled our plans to do something with her.
She comes to visit us 2 times a month and stays the entire weekend.

Will this ever change?

Will she step back once we're married?

Do you truly not like his mom, or is it just jealousy?

NP here. What on earth is there to like about a woman who comes to your house every other weekend and stays for the entire weekend? Op deserves to have a home life with her husband. This MIL is nuts. And I am the mother of boys.

I agree, what a horrible woman. She needs to really talk to her bf and get on the same page.

[Anonymous]

You want a man who is close to his Mom, but one who will put your needs and the needs of his own family over her. My Dad was very much a Mama's boy to his mother (my grandmother) and it really caused a lot of problems. There can't be 2 queens in the castle.

[Anonymous]

Why do you want to marry a man who is already married to his mother?

[Anonymous]

Don't ever let her to move in.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You want a man who is close to his Mom, but one who will put your needs and the needs of his own family over her. My Dad was very much a Mama's boy to his mother (my grandmother) and it really caused a lot of problems. There can't be 2 queens in the castle.

+1. My mother never, ever came first on my father's list of priorities. He was always first, then his parents, then his buddies, then Mom. They had a miserable 35 year marriage and are now FINALLY divorced, thank god.

[Anonymous]

Run.

[Anonymous]

Did he spend the long weekend with her after she had a surgery recently and it turned out he wasn't just taking care of her but having a good time?