Sharing parenting duties with DH

[Anonymous]

We have three young children and I work very part time in the evenings. My DH works full time 8-5pm. I would like to work more and could (consistently turning away referrals), but my DH does not step up his parenting or division of chores as related to how much I work. When I work, he bitches non stop about how he has to be alone with the kids and does the bare minimum (i.e., doesn't clean up after dinner, no picking up, no laundry etc). If I tell him they need a bath, he bitches and moans before doing it. If I don't tell him, he wouldn't bathe them even if they were filthy. He puts them to sleep in their clothes and changes diapers and leaves them on the floor for me to collect. He leaves dirty sippy cups all over the house, I am the only one to collect them. If I bring it up to him, he acts passive aggressively put out or complains that there is so much to do he can't do it all. I don't know how to make him step up or if I should just stop working as much because it just causes more work and stress on me for very little financial gain.

I'm so jealous of all the women out there who have equal parenting partners!

[Anonymous]

Stop working or rearrange your working hours. Your DH is not going to change.

[Anonymous]

Is he solo with the kids most nights? If so, that is rough with 3 kids. For me, that is the hardest time to be alone with all the kids because everyone's tired and you're trying to get them all to do teeth, bath, bed etc.

Assuming the income you could make is pretty good, why not get someone from the neighborhood to come over for an hour a night a couple times a week and help out?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We have three young children and I work very part time in the evenings. My DH works full time 8-5pm. I would like to work more and could (consistently turning away referrals), but my DH does not step up his parenting or division of chores as related to how much I work. When I work, he bitches non stop about how he has to be alone with the kids and does the bare minimum (i.e., doesn't clean up after dinner, no picking up, no laundry etc). If I tell him they need a bath, he bitches and moans before doing it. If I don't tell him, he wouldn't bathe them even if they were filthy. He puts them to sleep in their clothes and changes diapers and leaves them on the floor for me to collect. He leaves dirty sippy cups all over the house, I am the only one to collect them. If I bring it up to him, he acts passive aggressively put out or complains that there is so much to do he can't do it all. I don't know how to make him step up or if I should just stop working as much because it just causes more work and stress on me for very little financial gain.

I'm so jealous of all the women out there who have equal parenting partners!

Taking care of kids is a lot to do and if you're not used to it I could see doing a bad job. But leaving dirty diapers on the floor isn't the act of an overwhelmed parent, it's the act of a passive aggressive asshole.

I'd hire a babysitter for the times you want to work and cut cable (or something else he cares about) to pay for it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Is he solo with the kids most nights? If so, that is rough with 3 kids. For me, that is the hardest time to be alone with all the kids because everyone's tired and you're trying to get them all to do teeth, bath, bed etc.

Assuming the income you could make is pretty good, why not get someone from the neighborhood to come over for an hour a night a couple times a week and help out?

OP here- I have offered to do this and he says no. Says he is uncomfortable being alone with a teenaged mothers helper or babysitter neighbor.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is he solo with the kids most nights? If so, that is rough with 3 kids. For me, that is the hardest time to be alone with all the kids because everyone's tired and you're trying to get them all to do teeth, bath, bed etc.

Assuming the income you could make is pretty good, why not get someone from the neighborhood to come over for an hour a night a couple times a week and help out?

OP here- I have offered to do this and he says no. Says he is uncomfortable being alone with a teenaged mothers helper or babysitter neighbor.

Could you hire someone to come during the day to watch the kids? You could either be home doing work or go to the library or some other quiet place to work for a few hours. Regardless, your DH needs to step-up in the evenings to help you. You both "work" all day, evenings are all hands on deck when it comes to parenting and homeownership!

[Anonymous]

Sorry, OP, that sounds really frustrating. How old are the kids? My DH is very good about stepping up, but what works best for us is clearly defined division of responsibilities. So bath time is always his job, but weekend naps are always my job. He does the laundry because he has an office in the basement anyways, but I am responsible for folding and putting it away. That way your're not asking/nagging (which is how he may (wrongly) perceive it when he is resistant) and he has a clear sense of what his responsibilities are.

About leaving stuff around for you to pick up. It's so annoying, but my DH does it too. Leaves the diaper on the floor, sippy cups in random places, etc. It's kind of a pick your battles situation for me, but my DH sounds like less of a complainer than yours.

If you can, why don't you go away for the weekend and leave them with him? Maybe send a grandparent or aunt/uncle to help if three kids is too much. But make him do it on his own when you aren't there to step in.

[Anonymous]

Call him out more directly on thinking its fair to literally have picking up shit after him. The book How to not hate your husband after having kids has some good approaches for that.

If you work more - could you use that money to outsource more? Get a cleaning service, buy more prepared foods, etc?

I'd take a 2 prong approach to this
1) Call him out on the egregious behavior and communicate it is a matter of respect and must end
2) Both acknowledge that coming home from a full day of work to be on your own with 3 kids sucks. Taking care of 3 kids all day to have to use your evening hours to work sucks. Trying to fit in house cleaning etc sucks. And work together on how to lighten the collective load AND commit to doing a good job on the things that remain on each of your plates

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is he solo with the kids most nights? If so, that is rough with 3 kids. For me, that is the hardest time to be alone with all the kids because everyone's tired and you're trying to get them all to do teeth, bath, bed etc.

Assuming the income you could make is pretty good, why not get someone from the neighborhood to come over for an hour a night a couple times a week and help out?

OP here- I have offered to do this and he says no. Says he is uncomfortable being alone with a teenaged mothers helper or babysitter neighbor.

Could you hire someone to come during the day to watch the kids? You could either be home doing work or go to the library or some other quiet place to work for a few hours. Regardless, your DH needs to step-up in the evenings to help you. You both "work" all day, evenings are all hands on deck when it comes to parenting and homeownership!

I agree - get someone to come during the day for a few hours so you can work, and then you guys can co-parent in the evenings.

FWIW I leave pee diapers on the floor of the bathroom sometimes in the craziness of getting everyone bathed and ready for bed. And then I forget about them. I'm not a passive aggressive asshole, I swear.

[Anonymous]

Sorry OP. I could never imagine that. I guess I'm one of the lucky ones. It seems like a deeper issue. Not to be extreme but maybe try couples counselling so you can discuss this in a safe forum.

[Anonymous]

I would do what was suggested above get help during day so you can work during day and do parenting in evening. Increase your income as much as possible because you need to plan for the possibility that you end up divorced.

[Anonymous]

Do you have to work in the evenings? Get a babysitter and work during the day. Managing 3 kids solo with at least one young enough for diapers is a pain. I'd complain too!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Do you have to work in the evenings? Get a babysitter and work during the day. Managing 3 kids solo with at least one young enough for diapers is a pain. I'd complain too!

What??!! My husband does this 2-3 days a week! Our youngest is four now. He doesn't act like a PA man-baby.

That being said, have a calm and rational discussion with your DH when he is in a reasonable mood. Maybe 5 nights a week is too many and you guys could compromise with 2-3. Then for those other days you can hire someone during the day while you work from home.

I agree he's acting immature but you both need to work together to find a solution. And if you are worrying about the cost of childcare, hopefully you can write it off your taxes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Do you have to work in the evenings? Get a babysitter and work during the day. Managing 3 kids solo with at least one young enough for diapers is a pain. I'd complain too!

Agreed. It is not fair of you to have him work all day and then come home even just a few nights and pull full time parent duty.

If the genders were reversed here everyone would be screaming about how unreasonable the part time DH was being.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do you have to work in the evenings? Get a babysitter and work during the day. Managing 3 kids solo with at least one young enough for diapers is a pain. I'd complain too!

Agreed. It is not fair of you to have him work all day and then come home even just a few nights and pull full time parent duty.

If the genders were reversed here everyone would be screaming about how unreasonable the part time DH was being.

Sorry, OP, I agree here. It's a lot to work full time all day and then be solo with 3 kids at night. Presumably you could shift your work hours to daytime and hire some kind of babysitter for that time.