What do you do when you're just not sure about divorce?

[Anonymous]

DH refuses counseling so that's not really an option. I've gone to see someone myself - I think I was sort of hoping they would push me to a decision but of course they did not. Some days I feel like I am ready to call a lawyer. But then the next day, I think that's crazy.

There are no tangible issues - no cheating, no abuse, no money issues, etc. Also, we don't have kids. I don't really want to get into the details but in my mind it IS a "fixable" issue - BUT at what point do I say to myself this is not getting fixed and I need to cut ties? How long do you wait around because it COULD get better? FWIW, we talk about this a lot and I feel like this is where we both are... we have hope that we can get things back on track, we just aren't there yet. And in the meantime, it's hard and painful and it hurts.

So I'm not looking for advice on our issue, but where is the line? How much time and effort did you give it before you threw in the towel? Is it enough for me to say that it'll never be resolved if we don't go to counseling? I just wish I could be sure.

[Anonymous]

Without knowing what the issues are there is no way to give advice...

[Anonymous]

There are never any guarantees. What is right today doesn't feel right tomorrow. I think you have to look at the long term picture. Do you see yourself raising a family with this person? How can you both work together to set a better pattern of communication? If this person were to become a quadriplegic would you lovingly care for them?

Only you can answer the when is enough question and it's not easy. For me the answer was I did it until I couldn't anymore.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There are never any guarantees. What is right today doesn't feel right tomorrow. I think you have to look at the long term picture. Do you see yourself raising a family with this person? How can you both work together to set a better pattern of communication? If this person were to become a quadriplegic would you lovingly care for them?

Only you can answer the when is enough question and it's not easy. For me the answer was I did it until I couldn't anymore.

Thank you. So is it true that at some point, you just "knew"? Did you waffle beforehand like I am now?

[Anonymous]

I will say this OP. A suggestion I had for my XH, when I was in your space, was for us to do a "nesting" separation. Basically, we would find a room rental nearby perhaps someone from crags list, etc. and would rotate out of being separate. There were conditions that would support us having the separation to see things from a different perspective, and to encourage our reconciliation. For example, I suggested that we 1) give it a 90-day trial, 2) Make sure that we went to weekly couples and individual counseling, 3) Have at least 1 date night for ourselves a week, 4) Rotate responsibilities for the children.

Unfortunately, he was not willing, and eventually I just had to go. It was a much more painful process. I definitely waffled, and when I got to the point of no return, I never changed back.

Try to love again. Truly. Respect the commitment of your marriage. But try your best to ensure that both of you are doing it in the best way you can. Good luck.

[Anonymous]

I waffled for a long time, too, until I'd finally had enough. It came when I realized - beyond a shadow of a doubt - that the marriage was never going to change.

[Anonymous]

NP -- I've waffled for years but I've come to a point where I know I can't spend the rest of my life with DH. When I picture my future, there is no part of me that wants to have DH along for the ride. I know a lot of what has held me back has been fear of finances post-divorce, so I've spent a lot of time laying things out to see that it will be possible for us to go our separate ways and no one will be on the street. A lot of that has to do with the kids and trying to minimize that impact. Kids are almost out of HS but I don't know if we'll last that long.

[Anonymous]

You have no kids. Why put up with it in your life.
Move on.

[Anonymous]

8:00 here--I waffled for a year. Finally the anxiety of the uncertainty was more than I could take. I'm 2 years out and am still mourning the loss of the marriage. I still have good days and bad days. I miss the man I married and the family structure. I don't miss the man he became. Once I accepted that we didn't have a long term future, it was easier to let go. That doesn't mean the process of grieving the loss of the marriage is any easier. It hurts and it sucks. Doesn't mean it's the wrong decision, just that it is a painful one.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I will say this OP. A suggestion I had for my XH, when I was in your space, was for us to do a "nesting" separation. Basically, we would find a room rental nearby perhaps someone from crags list, etc. and would rotate out of being separate. There were conditions that would support us having the separation to see things from a different perspective, and to encourage our reconciliation. For example, I suggested that we 1) give it a 90-day trial, 2) Make sure that we went to weekly couples and individual counseling, 3) Have at least 1 date night for ourselves a week, 4) Rotate responsibilities for the children.

Unfortunately, he was not willing, and eventually I just had to go. It was a much more painful process. I definitely waffled, and when I got to the point of no return, I never changed back.

Try to love again. Truly. Respect the commitment of your marriage. But try your best to ensure that both of you are doing it in the best way you can. Good luck.

So you wanted him to move out and follow list of rules you dictate to earn a place in his own home. No wonder he wouldn't agree. It always amazes me when wives think they can control another human being in ways similar to this, the other human doesn't comply and they are surprised it doesn't work out.

[Anonymous]

I tried to fix my XH also. I gave him a list of corrections he needed to make. I gave him so many chances but eventually he was unwilling to do what I wanted to I had to leave. Don't worry OP, you can get there too.

[Anonymous]

OP have you told your husband that you are considering divorce. Sometimes spouses are in a lot of denial about how bad things have gotten, but if they know this is the make or break moment they will step up. A trial separation for a few months could give you both a chance to clear your heads and consider whether or not you want to stay together. It's a hard situation...

[Anonymous]

When in doubt, don't divorce.

That's the golden rule, because people in this country are quick to divorce, then realize after it's too late that they could have fixed their communication issues with that spouse instead of going through so much just to fix their communication issues with another. If they have kids, it all spirals into trauma - people only realize after it's too late how much money it's going to cost them through their kids' childhood, and how psychologically damaging it is for them.

That doesn't mean you never divorce - it means you have to do the work and be sure.

[Anonymous]

Thank you all for the insight. I guess I'm just not there yet.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DH refuses counseling so that's not really an option. I've gone to see someone myself - I think I was sort of hoping they would push me to a decision but of course they did not. Some days I feel like I am ready to call a lawyer. But then the next day, I think that's crazy.

There are no tangible issues - no cheating, no abuse, no money issues, etc. Also, we don't have kids. I don't really want to get into the details but in my mind it IS a "fixable" issue - BUT at what point do I say to myself this is not getting fixed and I need to cut ties? How long do you wait around because it COULD get better? FWIW, we talk about this a lot and I feel like this is where we both are... we have hope that we can get things back on track, we just aren't there yet. And in the meantime, it's hard and painful and it hurts.

So I'm not looking for advice on our issue, but where is the line? How much time and effort did you give it before you threw in the towel? Is it enough for me to say that it'll never be resolved if we don't go to counseling? I just wish I could be sure.

Draw a time line...6 months?...then consider actions/activities within that time frame that you believe might help you. If you reach that 6 month mark and feel like it's a done deal to move on, or you see something that suggests more time, then you will have your answer.