What do you do when you're just not sure about divorce?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Thank you all for the insight. I guess I'm just not there yet.

That's ok. You may never get there or you will get there when you're ready. The only person that has to be comfortable with your decision is you.

[Anonymous]

Guy: I'm not a big believer in counseling 'fixing' the marriage. But my ex was a cheat and it just enabled her cheating.
I will say based on the responses here and elsewhere it will be cold day in hell before I'd consider getting marrIed again.

[Anonymous]

I never had that "I've had enough" moment, but I did have that moment when I realized that divorce was inevitable. It didn't need to happen the next week, the next month, or even the next year or two, but I knew at some future point, we would no longer be married. That may sound defeatist, but it was enlightening. At that point, I decided that if divorce was inevitable, then I should move out now to do it, rather than play the lottery on a daily basis on whether it was going to be a good marriage day or a bad one. I'd been in enough "good" relationships to know ours wasn't one of them.

[Anonymous]

You ask for changes. Or negotiate something that works for both of you. If they don't follow through by making the changes either 1) they don't care enough to put the effort in to change or 2) it's just who they are and you have to accept it.

You can't will someone to change. You have to accept them exactly they way they are right now. If you knew nothing would change. The marriage you have today is the marriage you have in 20 years, would you stay?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I will say this OP. A suggestion I had for my XH, when I was in your space, was for us to do a "nesting" separation. Basically, we would find a room rental nearby perhaps someone from crags list, etc. and would rotate out of being separate. There were conditions that would support us having the separation to see things from a different perspective, and to encourage our reconciliation. For example, I suggested that we 1) give it a 90-day trial, 2) Make sure that we went to weekly couples and individual counseling, 3) Have at least 1 date night for ourselves a week, 4) Rotate responsibilities for the children.

Unfortunately, he was not willing, and eventually I just had to go. It was a much more painful process. I definitely waffled, and when I got to the point of no return, I never changed back.

Try to love again. Truly. Respect the commitment of your marriage. But try your best to ensure that both of you are doing it in the best way you can. Good luck.

So you wanted him to move out and follow list of rules you dictate to earn a place in his own home. No wonder he wouldn't agree. It always amazes me when wives think they can control another human being in ways similar to this, the other human doesn't comply and they are surprised it doesn't work out.

PP here. You must have missed what I italicized above. We would BOTH rotate out of the home. "earning a place"? The point was to preserve the places that we both had as husband and wife at the time. It was a straw man that never took shape, and was burned at the stake. As for you, it sounds like you're projecting. Hope you heal soon.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Thank you all for the insight. I guess I'm just not there yet.

That's ok. You may never get there or you will get there when you're ready. The only person that has to be comfortable with your decision is you.

x 2

[Anonymous]

Marriage is a multitude of irreconcilable differences. Don't know what the "issue" is, but if DH doesn't see there is a problem nothing will change. Keep going to counseling and when he sees a change in you he may be willing to go as well. Also focus on what is right in the marriage. It is often the little things that irritate us most and we can only change ourselves. Most men are in denial until they have an ultimatum, but that should be with reconciliation in mind. You have invested in your marriage and it takes work to maintain it and make it good, so I cannot give you a timeline. You should let him know that it makes you feel unloved when he doesn't make the effort to fix the issue and see what his thoughts are.

[Anonymous]

Just don't get pregnant!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I tried to fix my XH also. I gave him a list of corrections he needed to make. I gave him so many chances but eventually he was unwilling to do what I wanted to I had to leave. Don't worry OP, you can get there too.

Wow, who could have predicted that the "you suck, here are my orders on how to fix yourself" approach wouldn't work?

[Anonymous]

OP, if he won't go for marriage counseling, go for counseling on your own. To the extent you're contributing to the marital unhappiness, a good counselor may be able to tease that out and help you work on it. In addition, they'll be able to help you develop coping skills for the things that are in your DH's hands and that he's not willing to change. Finally, if the issues are truly irreconcilable, having spent some times working through it all in therapy will give you the support, strength and confidence you need to eventually take whatever steps you need.

[Anonymous]

Op, how old are you? If you are still of an age where you could have children (whether you think you want them of not), divorce him. Divorce now. You just aren't happy enough. You need to know if you would be happier - and therefore have a different perspective on whether you wanted children - if you were to meet another man. Sometimes with a different partner, a light bulb goes off and you see your entire future ahead of you, an optimistic one.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Without knowing what the issues are there is no way to give advice...

So true.

OP, there are ways of letting us know a little more regarding your issue so that we can offer you specific advice w/out totally compromising the integrity of your situation....