Fair fighting in your marriage. If you hit below the belt, is the marriage doomed?

[Anonymous]

A while back I remember hearing that married couples should fight (but never hit below the belt). I think that means fight about the issue but don't say things that will hurt the partner to their soul. If the fighting gets to that level, is it over? Does it mean that the spouse doesn't care anymore?

[Anonymous]

First of all, fighting is good. But most couples' therapists talk about certain rules. Don't say "I hate when you do/say xxxx" but instead say "when you do/say xxx I feel...." Actually listen. Don't dwell in the past or keep bringing up past wrongs. There are other things.

If you hit below the belt, you know you should apologize profusely and repeatedly. So do it.

[Anonymous]

I'd say if you are still fighting then there is at least something about the marriage you are willing to fight about. now if it gets to the point that you just don't care enough to fight anymore then I'd say the marriage is truly doomed.

[Anonymous]

Haw. Women always hit below the belt. And she always feels totally justified in doing so.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Haw. Women always hit below the belt. And she always feels totally justified in doing so.

come on now you know it's only emotional abuse if a man does it.

[Anonymous]

I've hit "below the belt" in my marriage many times in so far that I have been 100% honest about problematic behaviors and qualities displayed by my husband. I couldn't be with a man who couldn't take the truth and whose ego I had to dance around. I would feel like a fraud if I had to keep my real thoughts inside and the marriage would seem fake to me. To my husband's credit, he can take the truth. And so can I, by the way. He is also 100% truthful with me at appropriate moments as well. This approach might not be for everyone, but it works for us. I will also add that we are positive and complimentary with each other much more than we are critical, but sometimes you have to tell it like it is or else your marriage becomes stale and fake.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I've hit "below the belt" in my marriage many times in so far that I have been 100% honest about problematic behaviors and qualities displayed by my husband. I couldn't be with a man who couldn't take the truth and whose ego I had to dance around. I would feel like a fraud if I had to keep my real thoughts inside and the marriage would seem fake to me. To my husband's credit, he can take the truth. And so can I, by the way. He is also 100% truthful with me at appropriate moments as well. This approach might not be for everyone, but it works for us. I will also add that we are positive and complimentary with each other much more than we are critical, but sometimes you have to tell it like it is or else your marriage becomes stale and fake.

I would really appreciate it if my wife would be half as honest as you seem to be. Maybe if she could take and give real feedback then maybe I wouldn't have slipped into apathy, because no matter how I phrase any view counter to hers it always started the water works, and her pulling the anxiety, depression or stress cards.

[Anonymous]

Once one of you starts name-calling or telling the other they hate them, that is tough to come back from.

This is where I am now. DH screams and cusses at me, flips me off, calls me horrible names, etc but can't understand why I keep dwelling on that. Then the next day he tries to make up for it and get back to "normal" but I can't live like that any longer. His swings have me wondering if he's BPD...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Once one of you starts name-calling or telling the other they hate them, that is tough to come back from.

This is where I am now. DH screams and cusses at me, flips me off, calls me horrible names, etc but can't understand why I keep dwelling on that. Then the next day he tries to make up for it and get back to "normal" but I can't live like that any longer. His swings have me wondering if he's BPD...

He is totally wrong, so I want to say that out of the gate.

That said, the underlying reason for the behavior is that he likely does not feel heard by you. His milder complaints weren't getting through she he graduated to crazy. His fault, his responsibility to change, but if you are interested in trying to save your marriage, understanding the likely underlying dynamic can help.

If I were you I would obviously disengage and walk away when he acts this way. However, you might also say something like "It sounds like you are incredibly bitter and angry. If you want to talk about this calmly, let me know and I will be all ears" but you have to mean it.

I am sorry this is where you are but it might be possible to turn things around. Of course I can't say for sure not knowing you or your husband.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Once one of you starts name-calling or telling the other they hate them, that is tough to come back from.

This is where I am now. DH screams and cusses at me, flips me off, calls me horrible names, etc but can't understand why I keep dwelling on that. Then the next day he tries to make up for it and get back to "normal" but I can't live like that any longer. His swings have me wondering if he's BPD...

He is totally wrong, so I want to say that out of the gate.

That said, the underlying reason for the behavior is that he likely does not feel heard by you. His milder complaints weren't getting through she he graduated to crazy. His fault, his responsibility to change, but if you are interested in trying to save your marriage, understanding the likely underlying dynamic can help.

If I were you I would obviously disengage and walk away when he acts this way. However, you might also say something like "It sounds like you are incredibly bitter and angry. If you want to talk about this calmly, let me know and I will be all ears" but you have to mean it.

I am sorry this is where you are but it might be possible to turn things around. Of course I can't say for sure not knowing you or your husband.

Is "graduating to crazy" the same as BPD? If so, then I agree. He must be mentally ill. Because no sane person can jekyll-and-hyde the way he does, and then also blame me for "making him" act the way he does.

[Anonymous]

We don't fight though we have disagreements. We both seem to share the view that there are only a few things in life worth fighting over. Day to day stuff? Never!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Once one of you starts name-calling or telling the other they hate them, that is tough to come back from.

This is where I am now. DH screams and cusses at me, flips me off, calls me horrible names, etc but can't understand why I keep dwelling on that. Then the next day he tries to make up for it and get back to "normal" but I can't live like that any longer. His swings have me wondering if he's BPD...

He is totally wrong, so I want to say that out of the gate.

That said, the underlying reason for the behavior is that he likely does not feel heard by you. His milder complaints weren't getting through she he graduated to crazy. His fault, his responsibility to change, but if you are interested in trying to save your marriage, understanding the likely underlying dynamic can help.

If I were you I would obviously disengage and walk away when he acts this way. However, you might also say something like "It sounds like you are incredibly bitter and angry. If you want to talk about this calmly, let me know and I will be all ears" but you have to mean it.

I am sorry this is where you are but it might be possible to turn things around. Of course I can't say for sure not knowing you or your husband.

Is "graduating to crazy" the same as BPD? If so, then I agree. He must be mentally ill. Because no sane person can jekyll-and-hyde the way he does, and then also blame me for "making him" act the way he does.

Ok, well, it sounds like you've written off your marriage and just want to able him to make yourself feel better about it. Ok, that's your choice. He might be BPD but you might also play into the toxic dynamic. If you have kids I strongly suggest you at least try to give him the benefit of the doubt as sane - you did MARRY him after all.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Once one of you starts name-calling or telling the other they hate them, that is tough to come back from.

This is where I am now. DH screams and cusses at me, flips me off, calls me horrible names, etc but can't understand why I keep dwelling on that. Then the next day he tries to make up for it and get back to "normal" but I can't live like that any longer. His swings have me wondering if he's BPD...

He is totally wrong, so I want to say that out of the gate.

That said, the underlying reason for the behavior is that he likely does not feel heard by you. His milder complaints weren't getting through she he graduated to crazy. His fault, his responsibility to change, but if you are interested in trying to save your marriage, understanding the likely underlying dynamic can help.

If I were you I would obviously disengage and walk away when he acts this way. However, you might also say something like "It sounds like you are incredibly bitter and angry. If you want to talk about this calmly, let me know and I will be all ears" but you have to mean it.

I am sorry this is where you are but it might be possible to turn things around. Of course I can't say for sure not knowing you or your husband.

Is "graduating to crazy" the same as BPD? If so, then I agree. He must be mentally ill. Because no sane person can jekyll-and-hyde the way he does, and then also blame me for "making him" act the way he does.

Ok, well, it sounds like you've written off your marriage and just want to able him to make yourself feel better about it. Ok, that's your choice. He might be BPD but you might also play into the toxic dynamic. If you have kids I strongly suggest you at least try to give him the benefit of the doubt as sane - you did MARRY him after all.

*to label

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Once one of you starts name-calling or telling the other they hate them, that is tough to come back from.

This is where I am now. DH screams and cusses at me, flips me off, calls me horrible names, etc but can't understand why I keep dwelling on that. Then the next day he tries to make up for it and get back to "normal" but I can't live like that any longer. His swings have me wondering if he's BPD...

He is totally wrong, so I want to say that out of the gate.

That said, the underlying reason for the behavior is that he likely does not feel heard by you. His milder complaints weren't getting through she he graduated to crazy. His fault, his responsibility to change, but if you are interested in trying to save your marriage, understanding the likely underlying dynamic can help.

If I were you I would obviously disengage and walk away when he acts this way. However, you might also say something like "It sounds like you are incredibly bitter and angry. If you want to talk about this calmly, let me know and I will be all ears" but you have to mean it.

I am sorry this is where you are but it might be possible to turn things around. Of course I can't say for sure not knowing you or your husband.

Is "graduating to crazy" the same as BPD? If so, then I agree. He must be mentally ill. Because no sane person can jekyll-and-hyde the way he does, and then also blame me for "making him" act the way he does.

Ok, well, it sounds like you've written off your marriage and just want to able him to make yourself feel better about it. Ok, that's your choice. He might be BPD but you might also play into the toxic dynamic. If you have kids I strongly suggest you at least try to give him the benefit of the doubt as sane - you did MARRY him after all.

I've tried disengaging, I've tried being calm.... just fuels the rage. I've actually waited this one out for way too long because of the kids. And they also get dumped on by him to a lesser degree. I'm sad, but we all can't do this anymore.

[Anonymous]

I don't think the marriage would be doomed but if it's constant and continuous, resentments will build and forgiveness becomes so very difficult. We should cherish our spouses and forgive their imperfections to a degree. But we also want to be heard. The question is, are you also hearing your spouse and are you both accountable for mistakes made? If not, the challenges will continue. Finally, in fighting, do you make your marriage the priority? If so, you'll fight to a compromise you can both live with. Sending prayers for love to override any negative words that are thought!