DW depressed about weight but won't take action

[Anonymous]

My DW has gained about 20 pounds in last couple of years. And she had gained about 20 pounds before that with two kids, so she is now roughly 40 pounds heavier than she was 10 years ago. She is depressed about it but I can't get her to excercise or stop eating sweets for more than a few days. I have tried asking her to workout with me, proposed family diets. Nothing. But then she makes off hand comments about feeling bad about her weight. Now it is starting to affect our sex life too, as she feels bad about herself and doesn't feel sexy.

Any suggestions?

PS before the Harpies start in, I am still attracted to her and still to have sex as often as possible. This is about me wanting her to be happy and healthy, not me wanting her to look better.

PPS before Harpies start in, I am same weight as when we got married and still equally unattractive as I was the day we got married. (Although I'm considerably wealthier and more successful now!)

[Anonymous]

I might be your wife!

I just don't have the same self control or the same motivation I had when I was young.

So I don't like how I feel or look but in the moment I want candy or wine or a donut more than I care about my weight. Then 2 minutes after its done, I care more about my weight again!

[Anonymous]

I had a buddy who went through something similar with his now ex-wife. Then after they got divorced she lost a ton of weight and posted pics on Facebook of herself all over social media.

I realize this anecdote provides no useful advice.

[Anonymous]

I know this doesn't work for everyone but is there a chance you can get her to start a daily walk of a couple of miles with the goal of adding a short jog and adding from there? My wife's in her mid fifties and has had 3 kids and started this a few years ago and now jogs for miles each day including doing a handful of half marathons. No reason to over do it and be like my wife but starting on a routine like this can be easy if started correctly.

Having you start this with her might also motivate her to keep it going. It'll work but it certainly takes time and patience.

[Anonymous]

Have her focus on food at first, not exercise. the food will have a bigger impact on her weight.

[Anonymous]

My dh is like your dw. I wouldn't care much about his need for weight loss, except he brings it up daily. And doesn't do anything effective to work on it.
I'll just share his reasons:
1) he doesn't have time. I've offered him free time (young kids at home and he works long hours. out of devotion to me he doesn't just take off and leave w/o coordinating). Again, I tell him it's ok, but he either doesn't have it / won't take it.
2) his sweet tooth/over eating is either emotional or habitual or both.
3) he was doing great with a no-soda rule, self-imposed obviously, but said it was too hard. I thought he was handling it fine but I guess it was harder than it looked. Drinking sugary stuff is still rare-ish. But that would be an easy win.
4) I suggest effective exercise but those aren't the things he wants to do. I get it, it SHOULD be fun. That goes back into the time problem. He enjoys more like team sports. He could join a league for soccer etc. With little time, it's hard to do, and he won't just go on a quick jog or do interval training. He's missing the quick exercise wins over hoping to do what he really wants.

So, does your wife have the time/freedom? Does she have underlying emotional reasons for eating? (I know i self-sooth negative emotions with a sweet.) Do you encourage her to get out / stay home and do what's fun for her?

I don't say anything to him because the motivation needs to be his. But I do encourage him positively when he brings it up.

[Anonymous]

^what im saying above is that some reasons are his 'fault' but some are real life constraints. Others are unknown to him, perhaps the eating habits. It's a combination.

In all cases, i feel like all I can do is be positive and encourage. And lead the way in a few areas. I've started working out recently. i hope as the results come, he'll be motivated by seeing me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I know this doesn't work for everyone but is there a chance you can get her to start a daily walk of a couple of miles with the goal of adding a short jog and adding from there? My wife's in her mid fifties and has had 3 kids and started this a few years ago and now jogs for miles each day including doing a handful of half marathons. No reason to over do it and be like my wife but starting on a routine like this can be easy if started correctly.

Having you start this with her might also motivate her to keep it going. It'll work but it certainly takes time and patience.

A similar idea would be to ask her to join you in a 5k. Then you two could train for it. Even if she just walks, it's better than nothing.

Another PP was correct that diet matters more than exercise for weight management. You can't outrun a bad diet. However, exercise is wonderful for overall health-both physical and emotional. If she puts in the effort physically, she may be less likely to indulge with unhealthy food choices. I know when I work out, I don't want to come home and undo all my effort.

[Anonymous]

Is she asking you for help? I get totally unmotivated by DH trying to motivate me. It actually makes everything worse bc then I feel like he really wants me to lose weight and I just get annoyed that we both think I'm gross. Motivation has to come from her. I had a similar weight issue after the kids and it took me 2.5 yrs after #2 to really put in the effort. The scale wouldn't budge for years but now that I got my self-control back, I'm down 15 lbs in 6 weeks. Leave her alone to find her inner motivation and only offer support/help if she asks.

[Anonymous]

I was the DW in this scenario. My ex still has his teenage metabolism and could eat anything. He never wanted to go for walks with me (but also never wanted me to go without him), he loathed vegetables and fruits and everything he was interested in eating came from either a box or a restaurant. I had to buy two types of bread, two types of milk, etc to be able to accommodate his crappy diet with my attempt at a healthier one.

I'll never forget right before we split I convinced him to go for a three mile walk around a lake. He spent the entire three miles marching 20 feet ahead of me (he also walked in front of me everywhere we went too). I'm not blaming him for anything. I do think his lack of support in my attempts to lose weight hindered my ability to do so. Since we've split up I'm down 30 pounds and feel great. (We didn't split because I got fat, we split because he's a narcissist, a cheater and an all around selfish asshole).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Is she asking you for help? I get totally unmotivated by DH trying to motivate me. It actually makes everything worse bc then I feel like he really wants me to lose weight and I just get annoyed that we both think I'm gross. Motivation has to come from her. I had a similar weight issue after the kids and it took me 2.5 yrs after #2 to really put in the effort. The scale wouldn't budge for years but now that I got my self-control back, I'm down 15 lbs in 6 weeks. Leave her alone to find her inner motivation and only offer support/help if she asks.

+1 Also, not sure how old your wife is but if she is anywhere near perimenopause it can really wreak havoc on weight loss. The hormone issues increase appetite yet it takes significantly more exercise to lose the smallest amount of weight. In addition, issues can arise with parts of the body that previously were not problem areas. The key really is self motivation. The less you mention it and the more supportive you are in listening may help. Maybe creatively find more active activities to try on the weekends, hiking, biking, etc. and trying some new recipes and restaurants that are light and healthy but not market them as such.

[Anonymous]

She honestly had to be self motivated. You can make sure she has the space to exercise and the good food at home, but unless she really really want to do something about it .... she won't. Keep telling her she is sexy. Don't let her talk herself down.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I might be your wife!

I just don't have the same self control or the same motivation I had when I was young.

So I don't like how I feel or look but in the moment I want candy or wine or a donut more than I care about my weight. Then 2 minutes after its done, I care more about my weight again!

Me too! + 1000. That's how women work. We can't help it sometimes. You have to break the sugar habit for 2 weeks before you can say no to it. It's hard. Don't make it a big deal, just ask her to go for a bike ride, or for a walk. Make a healthy, low fat treat for her to try vs cookies etc. It is hard!!! Women are emotional eaters, and we have serious hormonal cravings. Seriously, 2 weeks before my period I want junk. The week of my period, I want junk. It's that 1 week after my period that I have will power and eat healthy. BUT I'm very active all the time. I would work on her activity level. Feels good to "burn off those 3 cookies".

Anything you do, don't play down her feeling frumpy. But don't agree with her either. Make sure she knows that you love her, you want her happy and if that means losing weight then you support it.

[Anonymous]

When you see fit women in public, make it obvious you find them more attractive than your wife.

[Anonymous]

You should show her this thread http://www.dcurbanmom.com/jforum/posts/list/622974.page . I'm a lot like your wife (except I don't avoid sex with DH, he doesn't seem to care I'm 40lbs heavier). I just couldn't stop myself from eating what I shouldn't. I went to the BeLite clinic because it's closer to me. The medication has really helped me re-wire my brain and I'm losing a couple of pounds every week. Wish I'd done it 10 years ago after I had my last kid.