Advice on our family's religious situation (Catholic)

[Anonymous]

The only religious person in our little nuclear family is DH, who is Catholic. I was raised with no religion and am not even baptized. We have two kids five and under and a third on the way. I want to get all three kids baptized once the baby arrives. We have been attending our neighborhood church for a couple years on a pretty regular basis (weekly, but will skip if out of town or just can't get it together on some Sunday mornings), and DH and I used to attend on a less regular basis back before we were married. We haven't officially joined the church, but I'm going to call over there and see how to go about arranging for the kids to be baptized, and I assume we'll join at that point. All this seems pretty straightforward, but I'd appreciate any advice or thoughts on what to expect with baptizing older kids. DH is not the motivating force here, even though he is the Catholic, and I just don't know much about anything.

For myself, I'm wondering whether I will be asked about my status and/or whether I should convert. I'm open to it, with the real and major sticking point being, I'm not sure I believe. At one point in my life, I identified as atheist, now I think it's more like agnostic but I'm not really sure. I like going to church and would like to be part of the community. I like (most of) what the Catholic church stands for. I'd like to believe. But, I may find I don't and I'm not sure how to proceed. Anyone BTDT? Anything I can explore on a less formal basis? I don't have a lot of spare time, but one thing I thought of was just reading the Bible, which I've never done cover to cover.

Finally, DH. He fell off going to church after he left his parents' home and now goes at my urging. He would probably drop it if not for me, but he has said he likes going. He also hasn't taken communion in years, because he says he hasn't been to confession in too long. Is there anything I can do for him? I figure not, he's an adult, but I just wondered if anyone had thoughts or similar experience. Thanks in advance for any thoughts on any part of this long post.

[Anonymous]

Were you guys married in the church? That may be an issue with getting the kids baptized - I don't know, but I'm guessing it could be. In your shoes I would register with your parish, and set up an appointment to sit down and talk about it with the priest. Pick the one who seems the warmest . Priests are people too - they'll vary in their approach.

[Anonymous]

What is the motivating reason for having the kids baptized? I'm not Catholic so this is an honest, no snark, question. I'm a Christian, but in my faith one becomes baptized when they are believers.

[Anonymous]

OP here. We were not married in the church. It wasn't important to DH and I was less open to converting then anyway.

I would like my kids to be raised in a church community. I'd be open to other strands of Christianity, but DH is not open to that. It's Catholic or nothing to him. For Catholics, baptism at birth seems to be the thing. Having personally been raised as nothing, on the loose theory that I could choose when older (at least, I think that's what my mom was thinking), I don't resonate with that approach. I like the idea of giving my children a foundation in religion in addition to more general values and community, which they will be free to disagree with or part ways with later but will still have a grounding and something to fall back on. I feel a bit bare, myself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Were you guys married in the church? That may be an issue with getting the kids baptized - I don't know, but I'm guessing it could be. In your shoes I would register with your parish, and set up an appointment to sit down and talk about it with the priest. Pick the one who seems the warmest . Priests are people too - they'll vary in their approach.

A priest can deal with a non-Catholic church marriage. I had a Methodist friend who married her Catholic DH in an Episcopal Church and they went through a small Catholic ceremony with the priest and just two witnesses present when she was 8 months pregnant. She also was the motivating force and converted to Catholicism in the same small ceremony. I was both her sponsor and her witness.

[Anonymous]

I'm Episcopalian not Roman catholic so I don't have knowledge specific to your situation. However I suppose this question is best discussed with your parish priest because the answer may differ even among different catholic churches.

[Anonymous]

OP, just to say that will to believe in the Catholic Church counts for a lot, even if you just can't make that leap of faith to believe. My college chaplain used to assert that the best Catholics are agnostic at least half the time. So none of what you have said is a barrier to converting IMO.

I posted above about my friend. Once she converted, she took her child alone to Church for many years without her Catholic DH. After a number of years he had more free time and she introduced him to volunteer activities at the Church. He is now quite active and attends mass regularly, but there was a very long period during which he was inactive. Yes, your DH is an adult. Religious convictions and practices are very personal and everyone has to sort it out for himself. Just set your example, pray, and leave the rest to him.

[Anonymous]

You definitely need to register with the parish. Baptism preparation varies by diocese and parish, at our current parish in another state we had to just attend one "class" session with one of the deacons (I think there was a video and then some discussion), I don't remember what we had to do for my oldest when we lived in NOVA; we actually ended up having him baptized in the state where our families live and just had to get a form faxed over stating that we had completed the prep work in Virginia.

Requirements for godparents vary as well, some churches require a letter from their parishes stating that they are participating members. Only one godparent is required to be Catholic, the other one can be a "Christian witness".

Do you plan to have your kids attend religious education and go through the sacraments (reconciliation, communion, confirmation?)

In most places to become a Catholic as an adult, you will do a RCIA program, there should be information on your church's website. But I would start by talking to a priest who seems approachable--tell him you're thinking about joining and ask if he knows of any good resources for you to explore while you're making your decision.

[Anonymous]

OP again, thanks so much for the replies. I am currently thinking that they would go through the sacraments. Our church does a "children's service" during the school year and my older child usually goes to that. I don't know if they have another form of religious education.

And a PP brought up another issue, we hardly have any Catholic friends! And DH is an only with no cousins (some Catholic, huh?). I don't know who we will ask to be godparents.

[Anonymous]

Hi, OP. I got both of my kids baptized in the Catholic church (just last December with DC#2) at 2 different churches. The only stringent requirement that was conveyed to us by both parishes was that at least one of the Godparents had to be Catholic - meaning that they had to be both baptized AND confirmed in the Catholic church. There was no requirement by either of these parishes that DH and I be married in the Catholic church - and we weren't, so that was good. I recall that both churches asked us the religion of each parent, but I do not believe both of you would need to be Catholic. I am pretty sure it's sufficient if only one of you is, provided that you both agree to raise your kids in the Catholic church. BUT this might depend on the parish. Some have stricter requirements than others (i.e., you must be a parishoner to have your child baptized there, etc). So the first step would be to reach out to the church you're interested in and find out what is required.

You may also have to take a baptism class. Both churches we used told us that the class was required for parents who were getting a child baptized for the first time. The church usually offers the class.

Also, when we got DC #1 baptized, our baby was the youngest one getting baptized at 3 months old. There was a toddler and a preschooler (3-4 yo?) there getting baptized as well. So it seems that the old way of thinking -- get the newborn baptized ASAP in case the unthinkable happens -- has definitely changed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP again, thanks so much for the replies. I am currently thinking that they would go through the sacraments. Our church does a "children's service" during the school year and my older child usually goes to that. I don't know if they have another form of religious education.

And a PP brought up another issue, we hardly have any Catholic friends! And DH is an only with no cousins (some Catholic, huh?). I don't know who we will ask to be godparents.

Your DH's parents can be godparents if you don't have anyone else.

My girls were 3 and 1.5 before we got them baptized mostly because we couldn't figure out the godparents.

[Anonymous]

Thank you, PPs. For those who baptized an older child, what explanation did you give? My older is five and will have questions. As again I'm not the religious one, I'm not sure how to answer. Hopefully DH can pitch in on that one.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP again, thanks so much for the replies. I am currently thinking that they would go through the sacraments. Our church does a "children's service" during the school year and my older child usually goes to that. I don't know if they have another form of religious education.

And a PP brought up another issue, we hardly have any Catholic friends! And DH is an only with no cousins (some Catholic, huh?). I don't know who we will ask to be godparents.

PP here who baptized 2 kids. We had a difficult time finding Godparents, too, because no one on DH's side went through the sacrament of Confirmation. Neither church required us to prove the Godparents were Catholic, but I was certainly not going to lie about something like that! My brother is the sole Godparent for both of my kids. No Godmothers. You only need 1 person.

Are DH's parents still around? Or one of his aunts or uncles? You may have to go up a generation to find someone who is qualified.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Thank you, PPs. For those who baptized an older child, what explanation did you give? My older is five and will have questions. As again I'm not the religious one, I'm not sure how to answer. Hopefully DH can pitch in on that one.

For an older child, I would start going to mass every week with him or her if you are not doing so already and start talking about the church's teachings, what it means to be a part of the church and how a person becomes a part of the church. Give him or her a foundation for understanding all of this, and point out how DH was baptized when he was younger because his parents wanted him to be a part of the community. Perhaps you can also enroll your 5 year old in CCD/religious ed classes now, before the baptism - although not sure how all of that works because I went to Catholic school and my own kids are too young for all of that yet.

I'm pretty sure there must be child-appropriate books on this subject, too!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Hi, OP. I got both of my kids baptized in the Catholic church (just last December with DC#2) at 2 different churches. The only stringent requirement that was conveyed to us by both parishes was that at least one of the Godparents had to be Catholic - meaning that they had to be both baptized AND confirmed in the Catholic church. There was no requirement by either of these parishes that DH and I be married in the Catholic church - and we weren't, so that was good. I recall that both churches asked us the religion of each parent, but I do not believe both of you would need to be Catholic. I am pretty sure it's sufficient if only one of you is, provided that you both agree to raise your kids in the Catholic church. BUT this might depend on the parish. Some have stricter requirements than others (i.e., you must be a parishoner to have your child baptized there, etc). So the first step would be to reach out to the church you're interested in and find out what is required.

You may also have to take a baptism class. Both churches we used told us that the class was required for parents who were getting a child baptized for the first time. The church usually offers the class.

Also, when we got DC #1 baptized, our baby was the youngest one getting baptized at 3 months old. There was a toddler and a preschooler (3-4 yo?) there getting baptized as well. So it seems that the old way of thinking -- get the newborn baptized ASAP in case the unthinkable happens -- has definitely changed.

This is all pretty accurate. You will have to take some kind of baptism class (the only thing you're allowed to do in the Catholic church without taking a class first is to die), but it may just be an hour or so. If there's really no one that can be the Catholic godparent, I'm sure the priest can find someone from the church that would take on the role. That probably will ask you to register as a parishioner. That's no biggie -- it just will lead to a bit more mail, as they'll mail you the mass schedule for easter and christmas, that's about it. I don't think they'll ask many questions about the older kids. In order to continue with the sacraments, the kids will need to attend weekly religious education starting in K or 1st grade. If you want to convert yourself, the process is called RCIA. It's a lenghty process that takes almost a year, with a sponsor and lots of classes. But if you just want to find out more, most churches have a lot of adult education programs like bible study or occasional lectures, etc., that you can attend. There's also a very nice Catholic bookstore on K St downtown that has just about every imaginable book on the Catholic church, including a lot of books that might help you or your kids learn more. I heard it's run by Opus Dei, and I'm really not a fan of their work, but it is such a nice bookstore that I go there anyway occasionally because I can't find another with a comparable selection. While Opus Dei slants very "conservative," I find that the books are pretty diverse in their philosophy.