Spouse not who you thought he was

[Anonymous]

Did anyone marry someone and found out they were very different than what you thought they were?

I am dealing with this now.

[Anonymous]

Have you ever seen that show, "Who the f*ck did I marry?"

Crazy stories of people who marry murderers and serial rapists and have no idea of their spouse's double-life. Like one lady found a list of her husband's potential victims in the desk drawer before she called the police.

Are we talking about that kind of "not knowing who your spouse is"...or is it more..."I thought my spouse was more emotionally available than he turned out to be"?

[Anonymous]

Yup, I always knew he had a temper but after marriage it turned violent.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Did anyone marry someone and found out they were very different than what you thought they were?

I am dealing with this now.

What's the scenario?

[Anonymous]

Sooo you got married because you were desperate and now you're looking for a way out?

[Anonymous]

Yes. I found out he was more stable, more calm, more focused than he had been when we first met. I think it was feeling stressed and chaotic in his college town? I definitely lucked out.

[Anonymous]

This is OP...I feel stupid since I feel i misread situations early in our dating and came to flattering conclusions.

Such as:

- Texts mom in the middle of a party: I thought aw how sweet! He is family oriented - turns out his mother is controlling and codependent
- Wears nice clothes and shoes: I thought wow he must come from a good family - his mom picked out his clothes to portray a certain image
- Graduated from an IVY and we met at a competitive internship: I thought he was hardworking and ambitious - turns out he is academically gifted but has little career skills or ambition

So now I sometimes wonder how did I get here with someone who I share little with

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yes. I found out he was more stable, more calm, more focused than he had been when we first met. I think it was feeling stressed and chaotic in his college town? I definitely lucked out.

+1

When I married my husband, I had no idea to the extent that he would consistently rise to every occasion, even over the course of several decades.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is OP...I feel stupid since I feel i misread situations early in our dating and came to flattering conclusions.

Such as:

- Texts mom in the middle of a party: I thought aw how sweet! He is family oriented - turns out his mother is controlling and codependent
- Wears nice clothes and shoes: I thought wow he must come from a good family - his mom picked out his clothes to portray a certain image
- Graduated from an IVY and we met at a competitive internship: I thought he was hardworking and ambitious - turns out he is academically gifted but has little career skills or ambition

So now I sometimes wonder how did I get here with someone who I share little with

Ok, so it turns out that your prince charming has given you a wacky MIL to deal with (common), can't dress himself well (common), and has a well regarded degree, but isn't a hard charger?

Is he nice to you? Are you attracted to him? Because the three things you've mentioned don't sound too terrible.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is OP...I feel stupid since I feel i misread situations early in our dating and came to flattering conclusions.

Such as:

- Texts mom in the middle of a party: I thought aw how sweet! He is family oriented - turns out his mother is controlling and codependent
- Wears nice clothes and shoes: I thought wow he must come from a good family - his mom picked out his clothes to portray a certain image
- Graduated from an IVY and we met at a competitive internship: I thought he was hardworking and ambitious - turns out he is academically gifted but has little career skills or ambition

So now I sometimes wonder how did I get here with someone who I share little with

Ok, so it turns out that your prince charming has given you a wacky MIL to deal with (common), can't dress himself well (common), and has a well regarded degree, but isn't a hard charger?

Is he nice to you? Are you attracted to him? Because the three things you've mentioned don't sound too terrible.

+2

Poor you.

[Anonymous]

I'm in the more common scenario that little faults which were barely noticeable when we lived just the two of us without much responsibility have snowballed into really big ones when you factor in kids and mortgage, etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is OP...I feel stupid since I feel i misread situations early in our dating and came to flattering conclusions.

Such as:

- Texts mom in the middle of a party: I thought aw how sweet! He is family oriented - turns out his mother is controlling and codependent
- Wears nice clothes and shoes: I thought wow he must come from a good family - his mom picked out his clothes to portray a certain image
- Graduated from an IVY and we met at a competitive internship: I thought he was hardworking and ambitious - turns out he is academically gifted but has little career skills or ambition

So now I sometimes wonder how did I get here with someone who I share little with

Ok, so it turns out that your prince charming has given you a wacky MIL to deal with (common), can't dress himself well (common), and has a well regarded degree, but isn't a hard charger?

Is he nice to you? Are you attracted to him? Because the three things you've mentioned don't sound too terrible.

He is VERY nice. Treats me incredibly well. He does work hard at his career but in a low pay/low prestige job and I am stressed about how we will make it work in this city.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is OP...I feel stupid since I feel i misread situations early in our dating and came to flattering conclusions.

Such as:

- Texts mom in the middle of a party: I thought aw how sweet! He is family oriented - turns out his mother is controlling and codependent
- Wears nice clothes and shoes: I thought wow he must come from a good family - his mom picked out his clothes to portray a certain image
- Graduated from an IVY and we met at a competitive internship: I thought he was hardworking and ambitious - turns out he is academically gifted but has little career skills or ambition

So now I sometimes wonder how did I get here with someone who I share little with

Ok, so it turns out that your prince charming has given you a wacky MIL to deal with (common), can't dress himself well (common), and has a well regarded degree, but isn't a hard charger?

Is he nice to you? Are you attracted to him? Because the three things you've mentioned don't sound too terrible.

He is VERY nice. Treats me incredibly well. He does work hard at his career but in a low pay/low prestige job and I am stressed about how we will make it work in this city.

It always comes down to the money, doesn't it? Sounds like the problem is with you, not him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is OP...I feel stupid since I feel i misread situations early in our dating and came to flattering conclusions.

Such as:

- Texts mom in the middle of a party: I thought aw how sweet! He is family oriented - turns out his mother is controlling and codependent
- Wears nice clothes and shoes: I thought wow he must come from a good family - his mom picked out his clothes to portray a certain image
- Graduated from an IVY and we met at a competitive internship: I thought he was hardworking and ambitious - turns out he is academically gifted but has little career skills or ambition

So now I sometimes wonder how did I get here with someone who I share little with

This happened to me. A lot of it was lack of maturity and mental illness on his part and naivete on my part. He was an MIT grad and he suffered from anxiety sbd depression, something i only recognize now that i am older. I thought it was because we were young. I grew up and had a great career and he stayed up all night playing online poker and eating pizza. We divorced when we turned 30. He needed to find himself and I had an amazing career opportunity in another city. I met my second husband a year after the divorce and now 8 years later I am remarried with kids. I was friends with my second dh a long time before we started dating. And we travelled together and really got to know each other. He is truly my partner and equal. It is okay to divorce. Sometimes it is the best thing that can happen to you!

[Anonymous]

He is VERY nice. Treats me incredibly well. He does work hard at his career but in a low pay/low prestige job and I am stressed about how we will make it work in this city.

what's low pay? whats your salary?

post pdh, I was making low 60s until I was in my late 30s in a high prestige but low pay environment. DH was making 75k at 40. We managed well.

Now, mid 40s I make double that. DH also doubled his salary between age 40 and 50. We both made some strategic moves.