Spouse not who you thought he was

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is OP...I feel stupid since I feel i misread situations early in our dating and came to flattering conclusions.

Such as:

- Texts mom in the middle of a party: I thought aw how sweet! He is family oriented - turns out his mother is controlling and codependent
- Wears nice clothes and shoes: I thought wow he must come from a good family - his mom picked out his clothes to portray a certain image
- Graduated from an IVY and we met at a competitive internship: I thought he was hardworking and ambitious - turns out he is academically gifted but has little career skills or ambition

So now I sometimes wonder how did I get here with someone who I share little with

Ok, so it turns out that your prince charming has given you a wacky MIL to deal with (common), can't dress himself well (common), and has a well regarded degree, but isn't a hard charger?

Is he nice to you? Are you attracted to him? Because the

three things you've mentioned don't sound too terrible.

He is VERY nice. Treats me incredibly well. He does work hard at his career but in a low pay/low prestige job and I am stressed about how we will make it work in this city.

So you're a climber, and he's not. You're all about prestige, and he's not. You want him to look nice, have an impressive job, dress to impress important people, and he doesn't prioritize those things. Yeah, you are incompatible and if you feel he should make changes to be more like you then your relationship is doomed. Poor guy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:1. My spouse is a once a week kind of guy. He showed his true colors during dating but I believed his excuses at the time

2. Spouse has been caught since married numerous times reaching out to single women, especially when he's drunk. I didn't catch him doing this when dating

3. Spouse is very materialistic and into appearances. When dating I thought he just dressed well and appreciated the finer things in life.

4. Spouse was faithful when dating and never admitted he cheated on his first wife. He cheated on me.

5. Spouse was fun when dating. Now I realize he's a functioning alcoholic and he's a nightmare to be around when he's drunk and something is going wrong in his life.

6. Spouse said his family was crazy when we were dating. Later I discovered he is two faced and he is responsible for a lot of the drama with his parents and brother.



Seems like these are all cases of me overlooking something when dating because I thought I was in love.

So your spouse has all these issues and you still want to have sex with him more than once per week?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

He is VERY nice. Treats me incredibly well. He does work hard at his career but in a low pay/low prestige job and I am stressed about how we will make it work in this city.

what's low pay? whats your salary?

post pdh, I was making low 60s until I was in my late 30s in a high prestige but low pay environment. DH was making 75k at 40. We managed well.

Now, mid 40s I make double that. DH also doubled his salary between age 40 and 50. We both made some strategic moves.

We are 28.

He makes 82k

I make 65k.

so put your skills and talents to use and go out and make a killing. he can stay home (if and when you decide to have kids) and you can be bread winner.

Since when is 82k at 28 years old a pittance?? WTF, OP!!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP your expectations are unrealistic or you are incredibly materialistic. I suggest you do what you need to in order to make bank and do some introspection on gratitude and happiness.

82k at 28 is an excellent salary for many ppl. Including ivy grads. One of my classmates is a billionaire. Like one of the richest ppl in the world. Not any more or less happy than most of us.

If I was OP's DH I might be wondering if she is a person of any substance or character who can go the distance in life and bring abundance and happiness into our lives together, or just venal, grasping, completely materialistic and without any sense of proportion or perspective. Hopefully you will grow up soon.

+1 Her DH's list must be longer.

[Anonymous]

He needs to dump you quickly.

Do NOT reproduce. The world needs no more shallow people like you.