I made a mistake...but now it's too late, right?

[Anonymous]

After dating for several years and not finding anyone I connected with I met a guy that I fell head over heels for. I loved everything about him, deeply, and he claimed to feel the same. Then almost a year later he broke up with me, without much of an explanation. He still tried to maintain contact but I just couldn't. Obviously. It took me a long time to get over him (and not sure I ever really did). Then another guy comes along. I'm not attracted to him, but he's kind and smart and absolutely adores me. We hang out as friends. I enjoy being with him and he grows on me. I think I love him. We get married. Fast forward 6 years. We have two boys. I love him for being my kids dad and for loving me. But there are problems:

He periodically gets depressed, which makes my life sad for however long he's in those depression bouts. He basically just shuts down and is negative for a few days to a week. Doesn't want to interact. He brings me down. And no, he won't seek help, no matter how much I beg him to. Then he just comes out of it like nothing ever happened and is joking and happy. He ignores it when I try to talk to him about it, will literally walk away. (Am I supposed to deal with this my whole life?) Also, I'm not attracted to him. I fear that I married him because I was feeling rejected from the previous relationship and needing to fill a void. He's not who I envisioned spending my life with. He's read a lot of books but doesn't have a lot of common sense. He's not physically what I want (and just for context most think i'm very attractive).

All that said, now we have the boys and they're more important that anything in my life. So, for their benefit, I'm sacrificing my happiness and desires and staying with their dad. They don't really seem to notice his depression bouts and I do a good job of keeping them occupied and stepping up when I see it setting in. If they come to engage him when he's depressed he usually will turn on a happy face for a few moments so they don't even notice. It would be very hard to parent alone, and beyond that -- what are my chances at finding someone else desirable in my late 30s with two kids? It was hard enough when I was single. Or, am I wrong? Should I be taking another approach?

[Anonymous]

You are right, it's too late. Honestly no marriage is perfect -- I could have written this. what makes me feel better is to look around and realize that my marriage is MUCH better than 95% of people I know!

Don't you have bad days too? Most people do. My DH will do the "down" thing every couple months, mostly when he is stressed. And I have some health issues so he has to cover for me when I'm sick. sure, it would be great if he was smiley and jokey every single day but honestly I have never met a man who was! It's not realistic.

[Anonymous]

Well...so if you get sick would you be okay with him writing the same thing about you?

[Anonymous]

The approach I recommend is counseling - first for yourself, and then you can determine if couples counseling would be helpful.

There is a very good chance that you could be feeling the same way with someone else. You have no way of knowing how the relationship/marriage/life would have gone if you'd made a different choice, and we idealize the choices we didn't make. If you'd married some other guy, you'd have different problems - but you'd still have problems.

I recommend spending at least 6 months really focused on how to WORK at making your marriage a happy place. Some of that will be learning to not let his depression bring you down too.

[Anonymous]

Yes, it's too late.

Focus on the positive and then reassess when you're kids are gone. Don't make them pay for your mistake.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yes, it's too late.

Focus on the positive and then reassess when you're kids are gone. Don't make them pay for your mistake.

This! I was a DH who at times became the man like OP's DH. My now XW left and kids are all f'd up and in therapy. Little did XW know that I got depressed because I couldn't provide for her and wanted to please her - I found out later we enabled each other.

[Anonymous]

You will always be connected to this man, because he is the father of your kids. Always.

I am in the same situation, and it works OK. The attraction piece you just have to suck up if the rest of your life is OK.

Do your best to make YOU happy (but, not at the expense of others). Live YOUR life. And enjoy the fact that you have a relatively stable marriage that is OK, fill your life with your kids and friends.

[Anonymous]

Actually, it is never too late; however, you should work on yourself and put work into saving your marriage. With children involved you should make every effort to save this marriage before you walk away. No relationship is problem free.

[Anonymous]

I'd get depressed too, if I were your husband.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'd get depressed too, if I were your husband.

+1 you don't think your DH knows that you don't truly love him and that you still pine for someone else?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Actually, it is never too late; however, you should work on yourself and put work into saving your marriage. With children involved you should make every effort to save this marriage before you walk away. No relationship is problem free.

+1 I'm normally someone who is fine with divorce but you've made no effort. Your husband being emotionally unavailable to you a couple days/week periodically is no big deal. Stop mirroring him. Have you never been sick, ever been PMSing? And, I say this as someone whose DH has had several major depressive episodes and can't stop meds. Get some counseling and work on your marriage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Actually, it is never too late; however, you should work on yourself and put work into saving your marriage. With children involved you should make every effort to save this marriage before you walk away. No relationship is problem free.

+1 I'm normally someone who is fine with divorce but you've made no effort. Your husband being emotionally unavailable to you a couple days/week periodically is no big deal. Stop mirroring him. Have you never been sick, ever been PMSing? And, I say this as someone whose DH has had several major depressive episodes and can't stop meds. Get some counseling and work on your marriage.

OP here. Thanks all for the feedback. He won't go to any kind of counseling. I've suggested it for our marriage. I've suggested it other times for his depression (which despite what some people her say is not normal). He refuses... he doesn't believe in counseling.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Actually, it is never too late; however, you should work on yourself and put work into saving your marriage. With children involved you should make every effort to save this marriage before you walk away. No relationship is problem free.

+1 I'm normally someone who is fine with divorce but you've made no effort. Your husband being emotionally unavailable to you a couple days/week periodically is no big deal. Stop mirroring him. Have you never been sick, ever been PMSing? And, I say this as someone whose DH has had several major depressive episodes and can't stop meds. Get some counseling and work on your marriage.

OP here. Thanks all for the feedback. He won't go to any kind of counseling. I've suggested it for our marriage. I've suggested it other times for his depression (which despite what some people her say is not normal). He refuses... he doesn't believe in counseling.

you need to also take a hard look at yourself. from what you've described, it doesn't sound like you've been completely vested in the marriage, or honest with your DH about "settling" for him (and he probably knows that).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Actually, it is never too late; however, you should work on yourself and put work into saving your marriage. With children involved you should make every effort to save this marriage before you walk away. No relationship is problem free.

+1 I'm normally someone who is fine with divorce but you've made no effort. Your husband being emotionally unavailable to you a couple days/week periodically is no big deal. Stop mirroring him. Have you never been sick, ever been PMSing? And, I say this as someone whose DH has had several major depressive episodes and can't stop meds. Get some counseling and work on your marriage.

OP here. Thanks all for the feedback. He won't go to any kind of counseling. I've suggested it for our marriage. I've suggested it other times for his depression (which despite what some people her say is not normal). He refuses... he doesn't believe in counseling.

OP, you can't make him go to counseling but you can go to counseling. You need to work with someone who can be a sounding board for you while you try to sort these things out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Actually, it is never too late; however, you should work on yourself and put work into saving your marriage. With children involved you should make every effort to save this marriage before you walk away. No relationship is problem free.

+1 I'm normally someone who is fine with divorce but you've made no effort. Your husband being emotionally unavailable to you a couple days/week periodically is no big deal. Stop mirroring him. Have you never been sick, ever been PMSing? And, I say this as someone whose DH has had several major depressive episodes and can't stop meds. Get some counseling and work on your marriage.

OP here. Thanks all for the feedback. He won't go to any kind of counseling. I've suggested it for our marriage. I've suggested it other times for his depression (which despite what some people her say is not normal). He refuses... he doesn't believe in counseling.

counseling for you on how to live with someone with depression. You also have your own issues - the line between being supportive of someone else's help and trying to fix or do for them seems muddled; and you seem to frame your happiness as dependent on his happiness; and, finally, you are clearly having some kind of buyer's remorse which you need to sort out with a professional (but not without honestly trying also to address your other issues).

These are YOUR issues. They may have arisen because you believe he is depressed, but the way you react to and cope with that is what is within your control.