How would you want this invite situation to be handled?

[Anonymous]

My son is turning 9 and has his heart set on a laser tag birthday party. One of the boys in his group of friends has HFA. I know from a previous party that laser tag causes a lot of anxiety for this kid. I was thinking the right thing to do would be to send him mom an invitation to the party, saying that we'd love to have him there if he wants to try again, but also mentioning that I recognize that laser tag may not be her son's favorite, so if he would prefer to go for an ice cream or come over for a movie night some other time, the boys could hang out together one on one instead. Is this appropriate, or should I just send the general invite that everyone else will get and let her take it from there?

[Anonymous]

Can he come for the cake portion of the party?

[Anonymous]

How well do you know the mom?

If she is a friend, or someone who has mentioned the previous laser tag incident, then I think calling her would be kind. I might phrase it more like "Johnny would really love to celebrate with Michael. If there's anything we could do to make it easier for Mikey, please let us know. If he's not up for it, maybe we can do ice cream and a movie later in the week so they can still celebrate." That way, if there's a strategy that might help (mom or dad staying, sending an older boy as a coach, getting there early so he settles in slowly), she can suggest it.

If this is a mom you don't know, then I think that pointing out that you know that the last time went badly will make her feel like people are gossiping about her kid. If she RSVP's no, then I'd follow up with "Johnny was disappointed that Mike couldn't make it. Can we plan another outing for the two of them later in the week?"

[Anonymous]

Can he come for the cake portion of the party?

Absolutely, but the place is 20-25 minutes away, so that might be asking a lot of his mom to bring him for just that short time. They are totally welcome to do that if she's ok with it.

[Anonymous]

How well do you know the mom?

If she is a friend, or someone who has mentioned the previous laser tag incident, then I think calling her would be kind. I might phrase it more like "Johnny would really love to celebrate with Michael. If there's anything we could do to make it easier for Mikey, please let us know. If he's not up for it, maybe we can do ice cream and a movie later in the week so they can still celebrate." That way, if there's a strategy that might help (mom or dad staying, sending an older boy as a coach, getting there early so he settles in slowly), she can suggest it.

If this is a mom you don't know, then I think that pointing out that you know that the last time went badly will make her feel like people are gossiping about her kid. If she RSVP's no, then I'd follow up with "Johnny was disappointed that Mike couldn't make it. Can we plan another outing for the two of them later in the week?"

I know her through the kids, that's all. The boys play together once a month or so outside of school, so mostly just coordinating drop off and pick ups. She did bring up to me the fact that last time went badly when we picked our kids up from the other laser tag party, but if she doesn't recall us having that conversation, she could think people were gossiping. They really weren't.

[Anonymous]

Even if he doesn't come, it's really nice for him to get the invitation. You may want to wait to see if she declines and then say that you remember her saying the last laser tag party was hard for her son and they are welcome to come for cake. That way you aren't bringing it up in advance. But maybe the child has been to laser tag again in the interim and will be fine or has discussed it with his therapist and will want to try again. Take your lead from them.

[Anonymous]

Mom of a boy with HFA here.. since you said she mentioned it to you last time, I would give her a call and say something like "you mentioned to me at the last laser tag party that it wasn't the best experience for Johnny.. we would love to have him but completely understand if Johnny is not into it. We can always set up a get together later that week for the boys"

My son often doesn't do great when he tries something for the first time but we typically encourage him to try again and think of ways to ease the anxiety. For example, my husband went in and did the laser tag with my son last time. It was fun.. there were 2 other dads doing it also.

I am sure the mom will appreciate your acknowledging the previous conversation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My son is turning 9 and has his heart set on a laser tag birthday party. One of the boys in his group of friends has HFA. I know from a previous party that laser tag causes a lot of anxiety for this kid. I was thinking the right thing to do would be to send him mom an invitation to the party, saying that we'd love to have him there if he wants to try again, but also mentioning that I recognize that laser tag may not be her son's favorite, so if he would prefer to go for an ice cream or come over for a movie night some other time, the boys could hang out together one on one instead. Is this appropriate, or should I just send the general invite that everyone else will get and let her take it from there?

I think this is an excellent idea. It allows the mother to decide what is best for her child while still him to be with his friend for his birthday. Kudos to you for even thinking about the SN kid. Usually they are just left out of everything.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How well do you know the mom?

If she is a friend, or someone who has mentioned the previous laser tag incident, then I think calling her would be kind. I might phrase it more like "Johnny would really love to celebrate with Michael. If there's anything we could do to make it easier for Mikey, please let us know. If he's not up for it, maybe we can do ice cream and a movie later in the week so they can still celebrate." That way, if there's a strategy that might help (mom or dad staying, sending an older boy as a coach, getting there early so he settles in slowly), she can suggest it.

If this is a mom you don't know, then I think that pointing out that you know that the last time went badly will make her feel like people are gossiping about her kid. If she RSVP's no, then I'd follow up with "Johnny was disappointed that Mike couldn't make it. Can we plan another outing for the two of them later in the week?"

This is wonderful advice, but I would personally do it over the phone or in person and make sure you remind her that she brought it up to you in the past. I am going to have the same conversation with a friend of mine soon because her child (not HFA but who has another type of special need) is a good friend of our child's and may not be totally comfortable with the type of venue where we will have his party. Before anyone jumps on me to suggest we change the venue we did consider that but that would create issues for some of the other kids. There's no perfect solution.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

How well do you know the mom?

If she is a friend, or someone who has mentioned the previous laser tag incident, then I think calling her would be kind. I might phrase it more like "Johnny would really love to celebrate with Michael. If there's anything we could do to make it easier for Mikey, please let us know. If he's not up for it, maybe we can do ice cream and a movie later in the week so they can still celebrate." That way, if there's a strategy that might help (mom or dad staying, sending an older boy as a coach, getting there early so he settles in slowly), she can suggest it.

If this is a mom you don't know, then I think that pointing out that you know that the last time went badly will make her feel like people are gossiping about her kid. If she RSVP's no, then I'd follow up with "Johnny was disappointed that Mike couldn't make it. Can we plan another outing for the two of them later in the week?"

I know her through the kids, that's all. The boys play together once a month or so outside of school, so mostly just coordinating drop off and pick ups. She did bring up to me the fact that last time went badly when we picked our kids up from the other laser tag party, but if she doesn't recall us having that conversation, she could think people were gossiping. They really weren't.

I think that you know her well enough to have this conversation. She felt enough trust with you to bring it up.

[Anonymous]

Some of the laser tag places have video game machines. Can you pay for him to do a few games if they have them while the other boys are playing laser tag. Invite him, invite her to support him (maybe she can go inside with him - we did that when our son was little and helped him).

[Anonymous]

Your heart is in the right place OP, but I think you are over-thinking. Mom of child with HFA here. Just invite him and let the family figure out what they want to do. These places are usually a half hour from us, so unless I know my kid will enjoy it, I don't send. I usually join my kid too if I think there may be an issue. I am also busy on weekends as I assume most families are. I personally don't sit and obsess over why someone invited my child to a birthday party doing something my child doesn't enjoy. It is not my child's party. I am grateful fore the invitation. We then do what works for us.

If a mom said something like "I know your kid hates tag, but maybe he could come for cake" I might find it odd. If the party were 5 minutes away, I would probably come upwith that idea myself. If it's far away, my kid is not so desperate to go to birthday parties that I want to spend over an hour in the car for 20 minutes of cake.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Is this appropriate, or should I just send the general invite that everyone else will get and let her take it from there?

Depends. Sounds like the child is mainstreamed and has a lot of friends and does okay in school? I would probably go for the general invite.

[Anonymous]

Sounds like the child is mainstreamed and has a lot of friends and does okay in school?

OP here. Yes, I don't know that I'd say that either he or my own DS has "lots of friends" but they both have some and are part of the same friend group. I guess I will just go with the general invite, and if they decline, suggest that the boys do another activity together to celebrate another time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Sounds like the child is mainstreamed and has a lot of friends and does okay in school?

OP here. Yes, I don't know that I'd say that either he or my own DS has "lots of friends" but they both have some and are part of the same friend group. I guess I will just go with the general invite, and if they decline, suggest that the boys do another activity together to celebrate another time.

OP if they decline no need to suggest something else, though it is sweet of you. Leave it up to them to offer to do something else to celebrate. Otherwise, who knows what they have going on weekends and you don't them to feel guilty for declining and like they must make it up to you. Not your intention at all I know. You sound incredibly thoughtful actually. I just wouldn't assume you are doing them a favor by offering to celebrate another time.