Third family in my circle of special needs had others call cops on their children

[Anonymous]

Now that the boys are all hitting their teens and puberty, they have gotten aggressive or self-injurious. Two have started eloping. The settings have been different, schools, stores, restaurants, etc. I had never really considered this possibility. When our kids were 7 and 8 and acted out, nobody freaked out, but now that they are 6 feet tall and built like men, the threshold is much lower. So far, this has not happened to my son, but I seem bits of anger and him lashing out now that he's in high school.

I'm trying to explain that the standards are much higher now that he looks like an adult, but I'm worried about his impulse control.

Anyone else dealing with this?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
Now that the boys are all hitting their teens and puberty, they have gotten aggressive or self-injurious. Two have started eloping. The settings have been different, schools, stores, restaurants, etc. I had never really considered this possibility. When our kids were 7 and 8 and acted out, nobody freaked out, but now that they are 6 feet tall and built like men, the threshold is much lower. So far, this has not happened to my son, but I seem bits of anger and him lashing out now that he's in high school.

I'm trying to explain that the standards are much higher now that he looks like an adult, but I'm worried about his impulse control.

Anyone else dealing with this?

Hmmm. I'm trying really hard, but what does this mean?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Now that the boys are all hitting their teens and puberty, they have gotten aggressive or self-injurious. Two have started eloping. The settings have been different, schools, stores, restaurants, etc. I had never really considered this possibility. When our kids were 7 and 8 and acted out, nobody freaked out, but now that they are 6 feet tall and built like men, the threshold is much lower. So far, this has not happened to my son, but I seem bits of anger and him lashing out now that he's in high school.

I'm trying to explain that the standards are much higher now that he looks like an adult, but I'm worried about his impulse control.

Anyone else dealing with this?

Hmmm. I'm trying really hard, but what does this mean?

OP here. Elopment? They run away from school, home, etc.

[Anonymous]

Yeah, it's a real concern. The best advice I can give is that it's important to get help early - it's obviously easier to teach a small child to stand with his mom than a larger one. Early intervention, meds, therapy, trial and error, this is why we all do these things so that we can avoid the part of teenagers that is really hard.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yeah, it's a real concern. The best advice I can give is that it's important to get help early - it's obviously easier to teach a small child to stand with his mom than a larger one. Early intervention, meds, therapy, trial and error, this is why we all do these things so that we can avoid the part of teenagers that is really hard.

OP here. I am lucky in that my child sticks very close to my side. He went through a phase when he was younger of wandering off in stores, etc., exploring so I had to hunt him down, but he has stopped that. It's the sudden aggression that worries me.

[Anonymous]

Everyone, It's the proper medical term for the behavior OP is seeing and it has been used for some time. Example: Most hospitals have protocols for how to deal with patient elopement. This is why some hospitals have locked wards.

[Anonymous]

OP, you are using the term correctly and people need to move on. Welcome to the English language, words often have several meanings in different contexts and this is a common descriptor of the behavior you're describing.

In regard to aggression, it's hard. I don't know what level of functioning your son is at-whether he's verbal or physically or cognitively impaired, for example. It can unfortunately be dangerous for young men who don't appear normal and who cannot respond to authority figures quickly and without resistance if there's a problem. On the other hand, your child has to learn to be out in society to become a productive member of society.

Can you teach him some automatic, rote phrases to use if he should encounter a policeman, for example? "My name is Larlo. I have autism. I need help." Or whatever would be more appropriate to his level of functioning. Something drilled in so that it doesn't take effort to say should he need it when upset. One family I know had a little card that was always in his pocket and attached by a string to a belt loop, but I'm wary of them reaching into pockets if it can be avoided.

The other piece is understanding why you're seeing aggression. Is it due to frustration because the schedule has changed or something isn't what he expected? Is it from being overwhelmed in a sensory way? Is it from not knowing what's coming next and feeling anxiety? If you can figure out what's causing the behaviors (and sometimes it may change) you can try to preemptively address the concern, either with a visual schedule that he can refer to, a mini social story that gives him ideas about what he can do when X happens instead of Y, techniques for calming before it reaches the point of aggression, etc. Also look into more controlled environments until he's better able to stabilize his emotions and be safe. For example, sensory friendly films at AMC and Regal now have suitable movies for both young children and adults, to meet his cognitive needs and practice being in a social place where people are more likely to be understanding and unaffected. The more successes he has when being out, the more likely he'll be able to maintain that success in a less neutral situation.

I wish you the best, OP. The teen years are tough for all parents, but SN adds an extra layer to it all.

[Anonymous]

Another special ed teacher here, also the parent of a child with a mental illness.

Unfortunately, I know many people who have had cops called on them. I've seen good outcomes, where the presence of the cops either shook the child up enough to change their behavior, or was the thing that convinced social services agencies or insurance companies to take the issue seriously and provide appropriate services. But I've also seen it go badly. And of course, I've read about cases where the arrival of the cops has lead to tragedy.

I don't have great solutions for you, but I can tell you 4 strategies that I have seen used, or been involved in using with some degree of success.

1) As the adult, practice the script you'll use with the cops, and think about putting something in writing too. This is particularly true if you have a kid who is going to struggle to follow directions from the cops. Our kids are at the greatest risk at the moment when the cops give them the direction, and they don't follow it. Now, many kids with unpredictable behavior and aggression have a healthy fear of the cops and will organize their behavior in the presence of one. But if your kid is likely to respond that way and may be unable to follow directions, because of severe receptive language issues, or because of psychosis, or for another reasons, you're going to want to be able to explain the situation quickly. "He has autism. He does not understand your words." No guarantee that it will work, but it's worth thinking about.

2) If you think that you may find yourself in a situation where you need to call the police on your own child, because of the severity of their unsafe behavior, then it may be helpful to set up an appointment to have the police visit and talk through a plan. Many jurisdictions are happy to do this, and they can give you suggestions in advance. It also increases the likelihood that the person who comes will be one who has a little information and who approaches the situation appropriately.

3) For adolescents who are able to plan and talk through future situations, writing up a contract or a social story about what to do to prevent the police being called, and what to do if the police are called can be really helpful. If your child's behavior is unsafe to the degree where you may need to call the police, it can be helpful to put that in a contract too.

4) For all adolescents, writing and implementing a behavior plan that teaches and hugely reinforces a specific "stop" behavior. Examples might be sitting down and putting your hands in your lap. Or going to your room (if home) or the car (if out in public). When I taught the most aggressive kids in the school district, we had a space marked out with painter's tape on the classroom floor and the stop behavior was getting your body in that space and staying in that space. It needs to be a behavior that is incompatible with physical aggression, assuming that other people keep their distance.

We would identify this behavior and practice like crazy. We'd play the "silly stop game" where I'd ask kids at random intervals to stop, and then meet them in the location with something highly reinforcing, like a piece of candy or a token for our token economy or a "good job" phone call to their mom. We'd also reinforce the "stop behavior" by stopping our behavior when they used it. So, no matter how mad I was, or how much I wanted to tell the kid off for biting, or to continue a demand, if a kid moved to the "stop" spot, or showed me the "stop" behavior, then I turned off my mouth, and backed off and gave them space.

For most of my kids, who could handle delayed reinforcement, once the behavior was very well established, we moved to a system where they got some kind of reward (either tangible, activity or a token to collect towards a longer reward) if they "stopped" every time I asked all day. So, if the kid had 3 episodes in a day where I thought they might be unsafe, but moved to the spot every time, then they got it. If the kid didn't have an episode all day, then they got it. If the kid practiced 2 times but didn't have any real behaviors, they got it.

Plus, I'd take whatever was the biggest consequence we used in that setting, and tell the kid that the only things that will make me do X are hurting people, or not "stopping" when I ask you too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, you are using the term correctly and people need to move on. Welcome to the English language, words often have several meanings in different contexts and this is a common descriptor of the behavior you're describing.

In regard to aggression, it's hard. I don't know what level of functioning your son is at-whether he's verbal or physically or cognitively impaired, for example. It can unfortunately be dangerous for young men who don't appear normal and who cannot respond to authority figures quickly and without resistance if there's a problem. On the other hand, your child has to learn to be out in society to become a productive member of society.

Can you teach him some automatic, rote phrases to use if he should encounter a policeman, for example? "My name is Larlo. I have autism. I need help." Or whatever would be more appropriate to his level of functioning. Something drilled in so that it doesn't take effort to say should he need it when upset. One family I know had a little card that was always in his pocket and attached by a string to a belt loop, but I'm wary of them reaching into pockets if it can be avoided.

The other piece is understanding why you're seeing aggression. Is it due to frustration because the schedule has changed or something isn't what he expected? Is it from being overwhelmed in a sensory way? Is it from not knowing what's coming next and feeling anxiety? If you can figure out what's causing the behaviors (and sometimes it may change) you can try to preemptively address the concern, either with a visual schedule that he can refer to, a mini social story that gives him ideas about what he can do when X happens instead of Y, techniques for calming before it reaches the point of aggression, etc. Also look into more controlled environments until he's better able to stabilize his emotions and be safe. For example, sensory friendly films at AMC and Regal now have suitable movies for both young children and adults, to meet his cognitive needs and practice being in a social place where people are more likely to be understanding and unaffected. The more successes he has when being out, the more likely he'll be able to maintain that success in a less neutral situation.

I wish you the best, OP. The teen years are tough for all parents, but SN adds an extra layer to it all.

My cousin's DD (mid-20s) has an intellectual disability, but looks pretty "normal". It takes a few minutes of verbal interaction to realize you are speaking with someone with the emotional maturity and decision making abilities of a grade schooler. She wears a medical alert style bracelet that the police in her home town recommended. They know when they see it that the citizen needs extra patience and may behave in unpredictable ways.

[Anonymous]

My 8 year old had a total meltdown today and beat the crap out of me. Hitting, kicking. He gave it everything he had. I'm going to have bruises. I have wondered what will happen when he's bigger. We're lucky that he's slight in frame.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
Now that the boys are all hitting their teens and puberty, they have gotten aggressive or self-injurious. Two have started eloping. The settings have been different, schools, stores, restaurants, etc. I had never really considered this possibility. When our kids were 7 and 8 and acted out, nobody freaked out, but now that they are 6 feet tall and built like men, the threshold is much lower. So far, this has not happened to my son, but I seem bits of anger and him lashing out now that he's in high school.

I'm trying to explain that the standards are much higher now that he looks like an adult, but I'm worried about his impulse control.

Anyone else dealing with this?

OP, please find an ABA therapist who can help you identify triggers.

Plus the Arc as well as transition services offer seminars on safety when encountering police. This is something you need to address pronto.

[Anonymous]

OP, just a thought, but is your kid properly medicated? With all the changes in teenage bodies dosages may need adjustment. Or, if you have not medicated before, now might be a good time to start.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, just a thought, but is your kid properly medicated? With all the changes in teenage bodies dosages may need adjustment. Or, if you have not medicated before, now might be a good time to start.

My child takes no medicine.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Now that the boys are all hitting their teens and puberty, they have gotten aggressive or self-injurious. Two have started eloping. The settings have been different, schools, stores, restaurants, etc. I had never really considered this possibility. When our kids were 7 and 8 and acted out, nobody freaked out, but now that they are 6 feet tall and built like men, the threshold is much lower. So far, this has not happened to my son, but I seem bits of anger and him lashing out now that he's in high school.

I'm trying to explain that the standards are much higher now that he looks like an adult, but I'm worried about his impulse control.

Anyone else dealing with this?

OP, please find an ABA therapist who can help you identify triggers.

Plus the Arc as well as transition services offer seminars on safety when encountering police. This is something you need to address pronto.

Thanks, I was just speaking with another parent who went to a session today. I'll seek one out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, just a thought, but is your kid properly medicated? With all the changes in teenage bodies dosages may need adjustment. Or, if you have not medicated before, now might be a good time to start.

My child takes no medicine.

Not everyone needs medication. Plus a child has to be willing to take meds as well as needs to stay on track with meds when they mature.