Third family in my circle of special needs had others call cops on their children

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, just a thought, but is your kid properly medicated? With all the changes in teenage bodies dosages may need adjustment. Or, if you have not medicated before, now might be a good time to start.

My child takes no medicine.

What is his diagnosis?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My 8 year old had a total meltdown today and beat the crap out of me. Hitting, kicking. He gave it everything he had. I'm going to have bruises. I have wondered what will happen when he's bigger. We're lucky that he's slight in frame.

You cannot tolerate that. You don't tolerate even one finger laid on you in anger ever - otherwise this child will be locked away, medicated as an adult.
You need an intensive behavior management plan NOW. One that encompasses all family, activities and school. This needs to be the focus of your lives until it is fixed.

We made this the focus of our son's early years and now that he is a teen we have virtually no issues. It was intense and all encompassing but it means that he can have a life out in society. It's more important than anything else, even academic work.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, just a thought, but is your kid properly medicated? With all the changes in teenage bodies dosages may need adjustment. Or, if you have not medicated before, now might be a good time to start.

My child takes no medicine.

Not everyone needs medication. Plus a child has to be willing to take meds as well as needs to stay on track with meds when they mature.

We raised our child with severe issues with no medication. It was difficult and intense but worth it to us. Medication has side effects (physically and mentally) that can mean eventually you have to come off of it which can be a very intense long term experience itself. It is possible to do but it's a lot of work and not a very common thing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, just a thought, but is your kid properly medicated? With all the changes in teenage bodies dosages may need adjustment. Or, if you have not medicated before, now might be a good time to start.

My child takes no medicine.

Not everyone needs medication. Plus a child has to be willing to take meds as well as needs to stay on track with meds when they mature.

We raised our child with severe issues with no medication. It was difficult and intense but worth it to us. Medication has side effects (physically and mentally) that can mean eventually you have to come off of it which can be a very intense long term experience itself. It is possible to do but it's a lot of work and not a very common thing.

I feel like people always have ADHD in mind in this forum when behavior comes up.

There are many disabilities that could make a disabled adult or older child vulnerable to police that have nothing to do with medication. Autism, Down Syndrome, etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, just a thought, but is your kid properly medicated? With all the changes in teenage bodies dosages may need adjustment. Or, if you have not medicated before, now might be a good time to start.

My child takes no medicine.

Not everyone needs medication. Plus a child has to be willing to take meds as well as needs to stay on track with meds when they mature.

We raised our child with severe issues with no medication. It was difficult and intense but worth it to us. Medication has side effects (physically and mentally) that can mean eventually you have to come off of it which can be a very intense long term experience itself. It is possible to do but it's a lot of work and not a very common thing.

I feel like people always have ADHD in mind in this forum when behavior comes up.

There are many disabilities that could make a disabled adult or older child vulnerable to police that have nothing to do with medication. Autism, Down Syndrome, etc.

I am the one who asked the question about medication. It was just a question. I also asked about diagnosis. I didn't assume ADHD. There is medication for a lot of other things. There is medication that can help with anger management, which OP seemed to worry about. Knowing more about what is causing rhe behavior will help manage it, whether through medication or something else.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Another special ed teacher here, also the parent of a child with a mental illness.

Unfortunately, I know many people who have had cops called on them. I've seen good outcomes, where the presence of the cops either shook the child up enough to change their behavior, or was the thing that convinced social services agencies or insurance companies to take the issue seriously and provide appropriate services. But I've also seen it go badly. And of course, I've read about cases where the arrival of the cops has lead to tragedy.

I don't have great solutions for you, but I can tell you 4 strategies that I have seen used, or been involved in using with some degree of success.

1) As the adult, practice the script you'll use with the cops, and think about putting something in writing too. This is particularly true if you have a kid who is going to struggle to follow directions from the cops. Our kids are at the greatest risk at the moment when the cops give them the direction, and they don't follow it. Now, many kids with unpredictable behavior and aggression have a healthy fear of the cops and will organize their behavior in the presence of one. But if your kid is likely to respond that way and may be unable to follow directions, because of severe receptive language issues, or because of psychosis, or for another reasons, you're going to want to be able to explain the situation quickly. "He has autism. He does not understand your words." No guarantee that it will work, but it's worth thinking about.

2) If you think that you may find yourself in a situation where you need to call the police on your own child, because of the severity of their unsafe behavior, then it may be helpful to set up an appointment to have the police visit and talk through a plan. Many jurisdictions are happy to do this, and they can give you suggestions in advance. It also increases the likelihood that the person who comes will be one who has a little information and who approaches the situation appropriately.

3) For adolescents who are able to plan and talk through future situations, writing up a contract or a social story about what to do to prevent the police being called, and what to do if the police are called can be really helpful. If your child's behavior is unsafe to the degree where you may need to call the police, it can be helpful to put that in a contract too.

4) For all adolescents, writing and implementing a behavior plan that teaches and hugely reinforces a specific "stop" behavior. Examples might be sitting down and putting your hands in your lap. Or going to your room (if home) or the car (if out in public). When I taught the most aggressive kids in the school district, we had a space marked out with painter's tape on the classroom floor and the stop behavior was getting your body in that space and staying in that space. It needs to be a behavior that is incompatible with physical aggression, assuming that other people keep their distance.

We would identify this behavior and practice like crazy. We'd play the "silly stop game" where I'd ask kids at random intervals to stop, and then meet them in the location with something highly reinforcing, like a piece of candy or a token for our token economy or a "good job" phone call to their mom. We'd also reinforce the "stop behavior" by stopping our behavior when they used it. So, no matter how mad I was, or how much I wanted to tell the kid off for biting, or to continue a demand, if a kid moved to the "stop" spot, or showed me the "stop" behavior, then I turned off my mouth, and backed off and gave them space.

For most of my kids, who could handle delayed reinforcement, once the behavior was very well established, we moved to a system where they got some kind of reward (either tangible, activity or a token to collect towards a longer reward) if they "stopped" every time I asked all day. So, if the kid had 3 episodes in a day where I thought they might be unsafe, but moved to the spot every time, then they got it. If the kid didn't have an episode all day, then they got it. If the kid practiced 2 times but didn't have any real behaviors, they got it.

Plus, I'd take whatever was the biggest consequence we used in that setting, and tell the kid that the only things that will make me do X are hurting people, or not "stopping" when I ask you too.

This is all great advice OP. Very worthwhile to make a plan now, and also have advance contact with authorities to get their advice.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, just a thought, but is your kid properly medicated? With all the changes in teenage bodies dosages may need adjustment. Or, if you have not medicated before, now might be a good time to start.

My child takes no medicine.

Not everyone needs medication. Plus a child has to be willing to take meds as well as needs to stay on track with meds when they mature.

We raised our child with severe issues with no medication. It was difficult and intense but worth it to us. Medication has side effects (physically and mentally) that can mean eventually you have to come off of it which can be a very intense long term experience itself. It is possible to do but it's a lot of work and not a very common thing.

I feel like people always have ADHD in mind in this forum when behavior comes up.

There are many disabilities that could make a disabled adult or older child vulnerable to police that have nothing to do with medication. Autism, Down Syndrome, etc.

I am the one who asked the question about medication. It was just a question. I also asked about diagnosis. I didn't assume ADHD. There is medication for a lot of other things. There is medication that can help with anger management, which OP seemed to worry about. Knowing more about what is causing rhe behavior will help manage it, whether through medication or something else.

My son has CAPD and his receptive language is in the bottom percentiles. It makes for a frustrating life for him academically and socially. He's typically a happy kid, and does not show much aggression. But neither did my friends' sons until recently.

[Anonymous]

Hello, I have had these issues and I found calling the local police non-emergency number during regular business hours and having them flag your house as having a person with a mental illness helps so when possible they send officers that are specially trained in de-escalating mental health. It sucks for sure to have it on record but helps for sure to eliminate serious issues since police are less likely to use force if they know they are dealing with mental illness (hopefully).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My 8 year old had a total meltdown today and beat the crap out of me. Hitting, kicking. He gave it everything he had. I'm going to have bruises. I have wondered what will happen when he's bigger. We're lucky that he's slight in frame.

You cannot tolerate that. You don't tolerate even one finger laid on you in anger ever - otherwise this child will be locked away, medicated as an adult.
You need an intensive behavior management plan NOW. One that encompasses all family, activities and school. This needs to be the focus of your lives until it is fixed.

We made this the focus of our son's early years and now that he is a teen we have virtually no issues. It was intense and all encompassing but it means that he can have a life out in society. It's more important than anything else, even academic work.

I'm the special educator/parent with the too long post earlier.

I agree with you that controlling aggression needs to be a top priority.

But I think that it's naive to assume that every family can simply make a choice to "not tolerate" aggression. Sometimes a family can be working with professionals, and doing everything they can, and the progress can be slow and uneven.

I think it's also naive to assume that progress during the early years can prevent issues in adolescence. Some kids do well when they're younger, but struggle when their hormones surge. Some mental health issues don't show up until adolescence or early adulthood, and can be very complicated to treat when layered on top of developmental issues.

On the other hand, there are also kids who struggle in the early years, but pull it together in adolescence. Aggression at 8 doesn't necessarily lead to problems at 18. It just isn't that clear.

[Anonymous]

Attorney with HFA kid here. I have worked on this problem from the legal side and want everyone to be aware that whether the cops have to respect your kid's disability or even notify you that he is in custody before interrogating him is often a matter of very murky and inconsistent state law. The federal standard is a hopelessly vague totality-of-the-circumstances test that does not stop judges from finding that a kid's confession was voluntary, for example, even if was a 10 year old with severe ADHD. So if I had a kid who was in any danger of negative interactions with the police (that's still years away for us) I would want to drill him to hand them a card, and on that card would be my number and my wife's, and the number of a lawyer, and it would say "I am very smart and also autistic, and you cannot assume that I understand and appreciate the real significance of what you are saying to me. If I am in custody or in any kind of trouble I want you to contact my mom (at #), my dad (at #), and especially my attorney XXX or his colleagues at [[OLD GUY, OLD GUY, AND OLD GUY]] (at #). I do not wish to speak without my attorney present. I may try to defend myself if I feel threatened, and I may not fully understand the situation, so please be patient and help me." Or something like that.

The most important part is the statement that I don't want to speak without a lawyer. That triggers consequences that the police have no choice but to respect. Not a panacea but could alter the dynamic and get everybody to stop and think. Obviously there are a lot of places where that strategy could break down but it's probably better, I think, than my kid is likely to do on his own.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My 8 year old had a total meltdown today and beat the crap out of me. Hitting, kicking. He gave it everything he had. I'm going to have bruises. I have wondered what will happen when he's bigger. We're lucky that he's slight in frame.

You cannot tolerate that. You don't tolerate even one finger laid on you in anger ever - otherwise this child will be locked away, medicated as an adult.
You need an intensive behavior management plan NOW. One that encompasses all family, activities and school. This needs to be the focus of your lives until it is fixed.

We made this the focus of our son's early years and now that he is a teen we have virtually no issues. It was intense and all encompassing but it means that he can have a life out in society. It's more important than anything else, even academic work.

I'm the special educator/parent with the too long post earlier.

I agree with you that controlling aggression needs to be a top priority.

But I think that it's naive to assume that every family can simply make a choice to "not tolerate" aggression. Sometimes a family can be working with professionals, and doing everything they can, and the progress can be slow and uneven.

I think it's also naive to assume that progress during the early years can prevent issues in adolescence. Some kids do well when they're younger, but struggle when their hormones surge. Some mental health issues don't show up until adolescence or early adulthood, and can be very complicated to treat when layered on top of developmental issues.

On the other hand, there are also kids who struggle in the early years, but pull it together in adolescence. Aggression at 8 doesn't necessarily lead to problems at 18. It just isn't that clear.

This is so true. My child was in an FCPS ED program and every kid we knew well regressed behaviorally in 4th-6th with puberty (depending on the kid). Two kids who had been back in the mainstreamed classes even had to return to the ED class. Puberty is so hard on kids with SN.