Work: Life Balance. Myth or Attainable

[Anonymous]

So, I have been married for 8 years, we have 2 kids (one in 1st grade, the other is 4).
Up until recently we had a friend watch our kids in her home and then for 6 months a nanny who was working out fine. AFter the nanny moved we decided to put the kids in a Daycare center. Both love it and are thriving and enjoying the interaction with other kids.

However, I am struggling now more and I am not sure why. I do both drop off and pick up due to the location of my work and the center (about 2 blocks away, where DH would have to drive 10 miles out of his way one direction). So far that has been going fair, DH 'helps' a bit with the AM routine and gets them in the car.

I get home about an hour sooner so always start dinner so we can make it to nighttime classes (swim, gym etc) which DH usually takes at least one of the kids to or we all go.

My DH job pays more by about $30,000 but it is due to his field of work. I have a management position and oversee 10 staff, an office building and the overall therapy of about 40 clients. I feel burned out right now and can't tell if it is time for a career change to something where i can just doe a job and not so much a 'career' or if it is the ages of my kids with more going on, ages where they like to fight for no reason etc.

I constantly feel like i am in charge of everything both at work and home and am getting to the point where I am just kind of over everything. I had PPD with both kids and feel I may be getting depressed again and have an appointment with a therapist next week. I just feel so..............................much a failure at work and home. I am good at my job, i know I am and have liked it, but just feel like it may be time for a change. The burn out rate for my field is high and i have been doing this for 15 years, manager for 10.

anyway, is there such thing as a healthy work/life balance? How do those who have a lot of responsibility at work handle home life projects?

[Anonymous]

You could be burned out, or maybe you're just trying to do too much. There is no reason for all of you to go to the evening classes, unless that is something you enjoy. One of you can take the kids while the other one catches up on some home projects - cleaning up after dinner, laundry, vacuuming, whatever. Also, we only have activities twice a week (and one on the weekend) with our two kids, which leaves plenty of afternoons for home projects, or just hanging out at the pool, playing board games, whatever.

It also helps that I work 32 hours a week. At times that was 4 days in the office, and one day "off", which I spent doing all the errands and home chores that otherwise would have to get done on the weekends - but it freed up our weekends for fun stuff, daytrips, etc. Find the joy in your everyday life, even if it's a good book when you go to bed, or a weekend away you are looking forward to, or date night, or family game night, or whatever. The drudgery of the everydays is hard to keep up year after year without anything fun to look forward to, or any time to recharge.

[Anonymous]

Honestly, this just sounds like life in this area.

If you are overworked, see what you can outsource (cleaning, food).

[Anonymous]

If I had to go to classes every night, I would feel like I never had any downtime. Are these classes required or optional?

[Anonymous]

healthy work/life balance does not mean the same thing for everyone.

My DH loves his "balance" which for him just means flexibility to work from almost anywhere, since he is working all the time. he works from home most days, can almost always have dinner with the fam or attend kids events when he's in town. But it would make me flipping crazy because he works probably 90-100 hours/week and is traveling a couple days every week.

my "balance" is not ideal because of his travel. but we make it work by cutting out some of the unnecessary - outsourcing as much as possible, avoiding most extracurricular activities for the kids (they get 1 extra activity/semester), and just tolerating a certain amount of messy house and takeout.

think creatively about what you can cut, what DH should take over if you're burnt out, whether you just need a vacation, etc. that bit about DH "helping" in the morning made me raise my eyebrows a little about what all you are in charge of. it may be that your DH needs to rethink too.

[Anonymous]

It's a myth without

1. SAHP with the understanding that they will do most if not all of household and kid (if applicable) maintenance
2. Total Outsource

Even in number 2 you can't outsource everything and resentment can build if the extra stuff isn't split equally

Many people try to do the whole someone having a less demanding career but then all the extra stuff falls on them too in addition to their still pretty time consuming job which causes additional resentment. In these situations its usually best to do one of the options above instead

[Anonymous]

OP.
The classes are for the kids. Both are in swimming which is important to us (lessons, not competitions) and those are 2 nights a week each for the next 4 weeks.
Our daughter was in a gymnastics class one night a week but that will end next week.
My DH does take the kids to the classes which i enjoy but the hour and half they are gone is barely enough time to do a load of laundry and vacume.

UGH. I just feel like all day I am in charge of so much and it is making it difficult to be a good wife mother (in my mind) at home too.
I want to keep working but just don't want the bother anymore of management I think. It was fine when i was younger with no kids but now, I just want to work and go home.
This week has been a rough one at work with a lot of side issues I have had to deal with.

Thanks for letting me vent.

[Anonymous]

OP again.
I used "Helping" in quotations because while he does help, he often just makes more work for me. I have talked ot him about this.

Example: Making eggs and bacon for breakfast but not cleaning up kitchen before he leaves for work (he leaves 30 minutes after the kids and I do) so i have to clear things off to cook when I get home.

He gets into petty fights iwth the kids about the color of socks and picks battles NOT worth it in the morning. Who cares about the color of socks???? Let's just go.

So while he "Helps" he doesn't really help and this is an ongoing discussion we will likely keep having. He thinks I am not grateful and doesn't see how his approach to things may not be helpful and I would just like some help that actually makes less work and fighting in the morning.

[Anonymous]

Sure. But my "balance" requires going all day with no downtime for me. But it's balanced in the sense that I have a career and a home life instead of just one.

Like you, I have to take the kids to practice or lessons in the evening and help with homework.

[Anonymous]

Yes, but I WFH two days which really helps and we had a nanny up until both kids were in elementary school last year.

DH has a pretty flexible job and our total HHI is pretty high so we can outsource stuff like cleaning, some of the yard, etc.

We also both have "reasonable" jobs - meaning no more than 50 hours a week for each and not a lot of travel. Both in private sector.

[Anonymous]

My kids are younger, so maybe I don't get it b/c we don't have homework or evening activities, but it just sounds like you're a little burned out on the whole default parent thing, and that's reasonable. Doing pickups and dropoffs AND being home alone with kids while working on dinner, every single day, is a lot. I'm the default parent as well, but I don't do it every night. DH takes some nights, and we have local family come by at least once a week. Makes a big difference. I note that I make substantially less than my husband, but my career has just as much upside/advancement potential as his does, and we treat each other accordingly in terms of balancing family obligations.

So talk to your DH. In addition to not making more work for you (OMG would the bacon & egg thing burn me up), see if he can shift schedule a couple days a week and get home at the same time as you. Or, another way to trade off so he takes over something kid-related that you now do.

Regarding the household, maybe let a few things go. My house is vacuumed every other week when our housekeeper comes by, and otherwise I don't do much aside from wiping counters and sweeping the kitchen floor periodically. I don't notice piles of debris mounting up in between. Leave laundry to the weekend. I'm sure you have enough clothes. And, have your kids help you. My children are 2 and 5 and they have useful jobs including unloading the dishwasher and watering plants. Oldest is also responsible for her own school backpack, and helps fold and put away her laundry.

Hang in there, OP.

[Anonymous]

Attainable for both DH and me as Feds. We work smart and manage to each balance a combination of telework and unpaid leave that allows us to employ a PT babysitter. We don't cheat the system and "telework" without child care in place. We share one car, don't take luxury vacations, shop discount stores, and are fortunate to have grandparents who will travel to DC when we have work demands that we can't juggle.

[Anonymous]

Work-life balance...ends up meaning that I feel like I am not doing well at everything. I still have to pick a focus, which rotates given the needs of my family, job, and, recently, own health. Something's always front burner, something's back burner.

It really sounds like you need a break. When's the last time you had one? Can you take a day off and just let go of your responsibilities for a bit?

When have you last had a physical? I would recommend scheduling one, or just scheduling an apt to address the possible depression, and taking that whole day off.

Hang in there--I have been through PPD too, and I find self-care to be more important now, though to the detriment of career advancement.

[Anonymous]

I hear you, OP. I do think switching away from management might help. I am trying to do this now. To go from trying to get my kids to put on their socks to trying to get my staff to turn in their paperwork is just too much. I feel like all I do is chase people down and try to cajole them into doing the most basic of things. Giving direction does not come naturally to me at all. I think work might actually be relaxing if I were only responsible for myself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP.
The classes are for the kids. Both are in swimming which is important to us (lessons, not competitions) and those are 2 nights a week each for the next 4 weeks.
Our daughter was in a gymnastics class one night a week but that will end next week.
My DH does take the kids to the classes which i enjoy but the hour and half they are gone is barely enough time to do a load of laundry and vacume.

UGH. I just feel like all day I am in charge of so much and it is making it difficult to be a good wife mother (in my mind) at home too.
I want to keep working but just don't want the bother anymore of management I think. It was fine when i was younger with no kids but now, I just want to work and go home.
This week has been a rough one at work with a lot of side issues I have had to deal with.

Thanks for letting me vent.

PP who also had PPD here: Sometimes, just use that hour and a half to chill the heck out. Seriously. Ask DH to cover dishes when he gets back.

My life also drastically improved when we hired every other week cleaners. We have to pick up the night before, but it's great because it gives a time to do it, then they do the grunt work. Every other Thursday I come home and just mentally melt into a puddle of relaxation. It's so great.