Work: Life Balance. Myth or Attainable

[Anonymous]

This is how I feel OP and maybe you can relate:

I am responsible for everything and my husband, who is very helpful, comes and goes as he needs to. But the ultimate responsibility of being places at a certain times (I also do drop off and pick up for two kids) and making sure shit gets taken care of (camps, appointments, schools, classes, activities, clothes, etc.) falls to me. I also work FT and manage a lot of people.

It's just a lot and it can be pretty exhausting. I am always thinking about 3 people's life details on top of my job.

I'm a little unclear how your kids can both be in a daycare center. The 1st grader too? Is he/she not in school? I would try to offload drop off or pick up of at least one kid. And try to turn over entire categories of things to your DH as a responsibility and then don't think about it again. "Jim, you're in charge of swim classes from now on." And that's everything - sign up, the right goggles, the bathing suits, getting the kids there, packing the bag to go, etc.

My other advice is take a trip away for a few days by yourself with a friend or family member. This is the single most rejuvenating thing that I do in a given year.

[Anonymous]

OP.

Thanks, I needed to hear your advice. We may need to outsource a few things and I need to tell DH to take charge o a few things, not just driving them but scheduling the lessons as well, good idea.
My first grader is daycare for the summer, the drop off and will pick up from school. So I will continue to drop off and pick up at the daycare . Maybe before and after school care during the school year.

I do have Monday and Tuesday off and I plan on still sending the kids to day care to just try to reevaluate my priorities and see if I just need a break or should really try to step down for my management position . The last time I had a day off I think was likely in February or March.

Thanks again!

[Anonymous]

Sorry talk to text was not working. My first grader will continue to go to the day care center during the school year because they do before and after school care and drop off and pick up from school.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's a myth without

1. SAHP with the understanding that they will do most if not all of household and kid (if applicable) maintenance
2. Total Outsource

Even in number 2 you can't outsource everything and resentment can build if the extra stuff isn't split equally

Many people try to do the whole someone having a less demanding career but then all the extra stuff falls on them too in addition to their still pretty time consuming job which causes additional resentment. In these situations its usually best to do one of the options above instead

OP, I am a SAHM and even with outsourcing quite a few things I feel stretched. Thankfully my DH does a lot. But if I fall sick for a few days. things slide quite a lot.

I have no idea how working moms do it without help. And even with help it is not easy for a working woman. You are essentially doing two full time jobs. I would suggest to outsource what you can AND let a few things go. Perhaps your kids do not have to do their activities during the weekday. Maybe you can do the activites during the weekend and your DH can be in-charge of driving them around?

[Anonymous]

You need a daycare close to home, and split shift things and split the pickup and drop off. And why is your DH leaving half an hour after you? He should get you work early and then leave early to prep dinner etc

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So, I have been married for 8 years, we have 2 kids (one in 1st grade, the other is 4).
Up until recently we had a friend watch our kids in her home and then for 6 months a nanny who was working out fine. AFter the nanny moved we decided to put the kids in a Daycare center. Both love it and are thriving and enjoying the interaction with other kids.

However, I am struggling now more and I am not sure why. I do both drop off and pick up due to the location of my work and the center (about 2 blocks away, where DH would have to drive 10 miles out of his way one direction). So far that has been going fair, DH 'helps' a bit with the AM routine and gets them in the car.

I get home about an hour sooner so always start dinner so we can make it to nighttime classes (swim, gym etc) which DH usually takes at least one of the kids to or we all go.

My DH job pays more by about $30,000 but it is due to his field of work. I have a management position and oversee 10 staff, an office building and the overall therapy of about 40 clients. I feel burned out right now and can't tell if it is time for a career change to something where i can just doe a job and not so much a 'career' or if it is the ages of my kids with more going on, ages where they like to fight for no reason etc.

I constantly feel like i am in charge of everything both at work and home and am getting to the point where I am just kind of over everything. I had PPD with both kids and feel I may be getting depressed again and have an appointment with a therapist next week. I just feel so..............................much a failure at work and home. I am good at my job, i know I am and have liked it, but just feel like it may be time for a change. The burn out rate for my field is high and i have been doing this for 15 years, manager for 10.

anyway, is there such thing as a healthy work/life balance? How do those who have a lot of responsibility at work handle home life projects?

Where is the elementary school compared to the daycare? Will it ease up once your youngest is in elementary school? We had to make the same choice regrading daycares (nearer my work or nearer DH's work) so on that it is all or nothing- however- is is one more year before both are in elementary school?

What time does DH go into work and get home. You did say that you get home an hour early, but what about the morning. Is DH at home when you leave?

One way I have seen couple achieve life balance is to opt for a 4 day workweek. They do this by either working 10 hours a day or reducing their workweek hours by 8/one day. Examine work from home opportunities. If your DH can do this once a week, he can do the daycare drop off. This might get you to where both are in elementary school. Longe range solutions would be for each of you to look for jobs that offer more flexibility or are closer to home.

Examine all the after dinner activities, maybe there are too many at this point in time and reducing them now would help ease things up a bit.

Make a list of what both of you do and compare. First have each person make the list of the things that they do- frequently we tend to "forget" or discount some of the things that our spouse does. When you compare it may become clear that a few tasks need to move from one parent to the other. FOr us it was laundry- DH took over the laundry. If this does not work and your DH is reluctant- arrange a week where you are gone and he has to do all of it. I know several couples where the spouse was heavily discounting things the other was doing until she/he had to do it all.

Look at things you can outsource. We have someone who mows our lawn and we have an every other week house cleaner. That helps keep things in place and it take a load off the mind since you know the house is dirty,but you also know that the house cleaner is coming in two days- so you don't have to feel guilty about not doing more of it at that time.

Planning meals and dinners ahead of time helps during the week. You can front load a few dinner in the ridge/freezer during the week end when things are less hectic. Triple the recipe. Have the first dinner the day you make it. Have the second dinner later that week. Have the third dinner the following week. Do the same the next weekend and thereafter and voila you have two dinners during the week in the bank. Very little extra time since you had to make a dinner over the weekend anyway.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You need a daycare close to home, and split shift things and split the pickup and drop off. And why is your DH leaving half an hour after you? He should get you work early and then leave early to prep dinner etc

That is not always possible. When we were in the daycare years, we looked for that and there just was no daycare anywhere near where we live. Almost 20 years later, there still isn't a daycare nearby. Our options were the daycare in DH's building or the daycare across the street from my building. The OP may be in a similar situation.

[Anonymous]

Outsourcing yard care and cleaning are two essentials for us. The other is that I turned down management opportunities. I have kids the same age and valued the flexibility I had in a no management position. It means I make less than I would, but I'm so much more sane.

[Anonymous]

OP, I spent 10 years in a management position--staff oversight, direct service program, etc. There's really no balance with that, since with direct service everyone else has to come first. It sucks.

I took a huge pay cut to go part time in a related position that's not direct service, and I feel so much lighter. I don't have to put everyone else first anymore. If my kid is sick, I don't worry that I need to be at work because XYZ is on vacation and I need to talk with client B, etc. I just don't work. Heaven.

I keep Fridays to myself. I always do grocery shopping. Yesterday I also did yoga and got a pedicure.

The other thing that keeps me sane is that DH and I stagger shifts. I go in early, so he does the morning routine, and I pick DS up around 330 so I spend the afternoon with him and get dinner ready while DH finishes up work.

Finally. We both WAH 60-80% and that truly, truly is the clincher. Not having to get ourselves *and* DS ready, home, etc. is amazing. Daycare is a block away from home, so we can pinch hit for each other if needed. Not having to worry about commuting with DS is the best.

I know I truly lucked out with this.

My suggestion would be to get out of direct service for a while. See if you can find a job with more flexibility, or some WAH, or a part-time schedule. Any little bit will help.

[Anonymous]

OP, I hear you. It can be so hard to find a good balance and not feel overwhelmed.

Before kids, I worked full-time (nonprofit sector do-gooder stuff, I enjoy the mission). After kids, I have strived to work part-time, with varying levels of success. Working a reduced schedule (80% or 60%) can be a great thing if you can find an employer willing to do it. But there are costs professionally -- I am clearly not invested in the workplace the way some 60-hour a week colleagues are, and so I was on a very slow mommy-track. At times it bothered me to see others advance professionally and realize I was not, but it is a trade-off one can choose.

I have spent the last few years working a part-time job during the school-day and doing some contract work projects for colleagues as a way to work partly from home and have a light work schedule but still have some income. I like not feeling so harried by a non-stop schedule of responsibilities, but my earnings have definitely taken a hit -- it depends on your family finances whether that is at all feasible. I feel like this is a good balance for me, I am home afterschool with my (school-aged) kids most days, and work on my computer on some paid projects some of the time, but I have clearly traded off some income and professional advancement to get it. I think that what amounts to a good balance depends on your temperament, your priorities, and your financial needs vs wants. I get anxious being a go-go-go kind of person, but some others really thrive on that adrenaline and enjoy the sense of accomplishment from juggling so many work and home tasks and making it all happen.

Good luck in figuring out a good balance for you, and in trying to set up a situation that will allow you to seek it. Not an easy thing.

[Anonymous]

It sounds like you're doing more of the childcare and household stuff than your dh. If you end up with more childcare stuff due to logistics, then your dh needs to do more of the household stuff.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is how I feel OP and maybe you can relate:

I am responsible for everything and my husband, who is very helpful, comes and goes as he needs to. But the ultimate responsibility of being places at a certain times (I also do drop off and pick up for two kids) and making sure shit gets taken care of (camps, appointments, schools, classes, activities, clothes, etc.) falls to me. I also work FT and manage a lot of people.

It's just a lot and it can be pretty exhausting. I am always thinking about 3 people's life details on top of my job.

I'm a little unclear how your kids can both be in a daycare center. The 1st grader too? Is he/she not in school? I would try to offload drop off or pick up of at least one kid. And try to turn over entire categories of things to your DH as a responsibility and then don't think about it again. "Jim, you're in charge of swim classes from now on." And that's everything - sign up, the right goggles, the bathing suits, getting the kids there, packing the bag to go, etc.

My other advice is take a trip away for a few days by yourself with a friend or family member. This is the single most rejuvenating thing that I do in a given year.

amen

[Anonymous]

I do pick up and drop-off for our family due to the same kind of location logistics (facility is on my way to work, in the other direction for him), and here's what our family breakdown of responsibility looks like:

In the mornings, I get myself ready, and my husband is responsible for kid breakfast, packing backpacks (including snacks/water/lunches), getting the kid dressed and ready to be out the door by the time I am out of the shower and dressed. Pickup and dropoff add another 20 minutes to my commute each with, just with the logistics of the location and going in to the building to get the kid.

We split cooking 50/50, which sounds like it isn't possible in your case, so if you are doing all the cooking, could he do the laundry?

Two evening classes a week would kill me, though. Could you eat out on those evenings? Meet your husband at a fast casual place near the venue, and then you take the baby home after dinner?

[Anonymous]

1. MYTH...

2. Every notice how it is "work - life balance" and not "life - work balance"

3. I've decided that this phrase is a contraction of "Work time and then life in the balance of the time." In other words work work work and maybe if there is some time a little life...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:1. MYTH...

2. Every notice how it is "work - life balance" and not "life - work balance"

3. I've decided that this phrase is a contraction of "Work time and then life in the balance of the time." In other words work work work and maybe if there is some time a little life...

Exactly. Life seems to always be the afterthought for those looking for "balance." It really is a myth, though so many simply won't acknowledge it.