Difficult parent relationships

[Anonymous]

I am an adult in my late 30s with a mother who is now in her late 60s.

Up until 10 years ago, my mother and I had a difficult relationship. I was a difficult child (gifted, spirited, extroverted, adventurous, independent, social, argumentative and at times oppositional) and my mother did not understand me or relate to me. I was that child that just exhausts and exasperates their parents.. My mother was a SAHM and so had the delight of summers off school with me. I used to get sent away to relatives as a 'special treat' but I knew they just wanted a break from me, and I once overhead my mother telling my father how wonderful the weeks without me had been and it was a knife through my heart that changed me forever. My mother and my 2 siblings got along great - they were introverted book worms who were somewhat anxious and people pleasers. My siblings were also exasperated by me. My parents were always embarrassed as I was frequently in trouble at school for some small thing and since they were fairly strict parents who really valued good behavior and obedience (plus my father was a teacher) they died a little inside every time the school called.

During my teens, it was pretty much either me accusing them of hating me and ruining my life or some form of tension. I spent the majority of my teen years at a friends house. My mother became very emotional and struggled with her own mental health during my teen years (she might have been depressed?) and she frequently gave me the silent treatment or would try to control me as I told her nothing about my life and she felt very excluded. I didn't listen, defied rules, did my own thing and was angry. I desperately wanted their approval as I felt they didn't know any of my positive side or really know me and had this negative perception of me they always judged me on. During another fight, my mother told me I was useless and hopeless after I refused to cooperate with a winter family vacation plan (I stayed in the van for 2.5 days!). Despite my protest, that too cut deep and I believed that those words were her true view of me.

Outside of my family I was actually a pretty awesome person as a teen. I excelled academically, socially, athletically...won awards, worked two jobs, had leadership opportunities and generally was a very well liked and respected person. My parents never saw that side of me and I kept them as in the dark as possible (forging signatures if I needed to). I was also good. I didn't drink, do drugs, have sex or party yet since my parents had no idea what I did when I disappeared for hours, they assumed the worst.

In my late teens / early twenties, my mother became aware of how the rest of the world saw me and felt really guilty that she had always thought I was a bad or difficult person with few redeeming qualities. We started to speak again however my mother kind of went off the rails for the next ten years. She got involved in a charitable cause with vulnerable men who loved her mothering and she became a surrogate mother to these adult men....pretty much forgetting she had a family. These men needed her more than her children and she loved feeling needed and like she was doing something meaningful. However to me the relationships were weird and inappropriate. Most of the interactions we had in my 20s was her talking incessantly about her project and the men and being upset that we didn't see how badly they needed her and why she had to devote her life to them.

In my 30s we for the first time started to have a healthier relationship. We both worked at it but due to how much hurt I carried from my childhood and adolescence, I have held back. My mother would love to go for lunches or be able to drop by my place or talk about things that matter but I don't really want that. We are cordial and see each other often but I don't ever confide in her and I find time alone with her to be awkward. Sometimes I feel guilty that I haven't worked harder to create the relationship she wants but I feel like I don't trust her enough to do that. She feels my mistrust is unfair as she feels I had a pretty good life and that she always did the best she could and had good intentions.

I think I am more just curious about how others experiences with their parents have transformed over the years, particularly if they had difficult relationships until adulthood. Have you gotten close? Sometimes I wonder if I should work harder at the relationship, but I don't really want to...but then I also don't feel great knowing that she isn't happy with how our relationship is either.

[Anonymous]

You think too much

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You think too much

More that I drink too much! I get chatty when I drink. Heading to bed soon

Just pondering the trajectory of parent relationships over time.

[Anonymous]

Grow up.

[Anonymous]

Solution:

Stop drinking.

[Anonymous]

Something's off with your mom. Your description of her over the years actually shows a pretty clear pattern in her behaviors and needs.

Because of your experiences with her, you correctly don't trust her to be a safe, non-toxic person to spend much time with or let your guard down and be close with, so you set certain limits. I don't see anything wrong with that.

Trust yourself. You need these boundaries and you have every right to set them. The best you can hope for your relationship is a kind of truce with firm limits that allows you to enjoy what you can with each other.

[Anonymous]

You sound like my sister. She creates drama then blames everyone else for the problem she created or exacerbated, and tries to overanalyze it. If we don't go along with it, we're shutting her out again or not trying hard enough to give her closure so she can move forward.

She was a wild teenager too. She worked hard. Her grades weren't spectacular but she stayed on the honor roll. She was always angry about one thing or another that my parents did. She was always saying how she couldn't wait until she turned 18 and could move out. One day my mom snapped and said she was counting down the days too. 20 years later, my sister still talks about how my mom said that hurtful thing to her and how their relationship changed forever that day.

She's exhausting. She's worse when she drinks too.

[Anonymous]

Yeah, you're overly dramatic. You seem immature.

[Anonymous]

I can somewhat relate to your story. Here's my advice: enjoy the time you have with your Mom. You are an adult now and you never know how much time you'll have. Nothing in your story is unforgivable. Your Mom did the best she could do and to be frank, you do seem like a pain the ass.

[Anonymous]

Please tell me how your mother could have treated you differently as a teenage. I'm terrified that I'll have this relationship with my daughter as she grows older.

[Anonymous]

OP, maybe it would help to think even more deeply about your mother's experiences with you when you were a teen. You seem to have self-awareness about difficulties you posed. Parents aren't perfect, and at some point you'll be the age she was when she was dealing with you, with whatever degree of competence, as a teenager. We want our parents to give us unconditional love, but many of them can't. And when they can't, it hurts.

[Anonymous]

I think you need a therapist, there's a lot of points that you need to unpack in the right environment.

[Anonymous]

"due to how much hurt I carried from my childhood and adolescence, I have held back. My mother would love to go for lunches or be able to drop by my place or talk about things that matter but I don't really want that. We are cordial and see each other often but I don't ever confide in her and I find time alone with her to be awkward. Sometimes I feel guilty that I haven't worked harder to create the relationship she wants but I feel like I don't trust her enough to do that. She feels my mistrust is unfair as she feels I had a pretty good life and that she always did the best she could and had good intentions."


I totally get this OP. I had a somewhat similar but not as dramatic life. I also hold my mom at arm's length. I don't see what there is to gain by trying to build some sort of friendship. I just mentally can't open myself up to her and if that makes her upset or sad, she needs to find a way to deal with her own emotions about it. Families don't all have to be close and if mom is looking for a buddy, there are tons of other people in the world to be friends with.

[Anonymous]

My mom was a very at-arm's-length type of mother -- not particularly loving or maternal. We had and continue to have basically no relationship more than an acrimonious one. I've carried anger toward her for a long time, which I went to therapy to deal with (among other issues). She did a lot of cold things that meant nothing to her but stung for me. I tried to brush it aside -- she is who she is. But my anger is at a new level now because she's totally disengaged from my kid/family and has no interest in being a grandmother let alone a mother. On the rare occasion we talk she likes to pretend everything is just peachy. I talk to my dad weekly and he visits quarterly but I only talk to her a couple times a year and I tell my dad I don't want to hear about her.

[Anonymous]

Yeah, you're overly dramatic. You seem immature.

+1 You were jealous of your mom's relationships with people she was helping on some kind of job or volunteer position? Wow.