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[quote=Anonymous]I am an adult in my late 30s with a mother who is now in her late 60s.

Up until 10 years ago, my mother and I had a difficult relationship. I was a difficult child (gifted, spirited, extroverted, adventurous, independent, social, argumentative and at times oppositional) and my mother did not understand me or relate to me. I was that child that just exhausts and exasperates their parents.. My mother was a SAHM and so had the delight of summers off school with me. I used to get sent away to relatives as a 'special treat' but I knew they just wanted a break from me, and I once overhead my mother telling my father how wonderful the weeks without me had been and it was a knife through my heart that changed me forever. My mother and my 2 siblings got along great - they were introverted book worms who were somewhat anxious and people pleasers. My siblings were also exasperated by me. My parents were always embarrassed as I was frequently in trouble at school for some small thing and since they were fairly strict parents who really valued good behavior and obedience (plus my father was a teacher) they died a little inside every time the school called.

During my teens, it was pretty much either me accusing them of hating me and ruining my life or some form of tension. I spent the majority of my teen years at a friends house. My mother became very emotional and struggled with her own mental health during my teen years (she might have been depressed?) and she frequently gave me the silent treatment or would try to control me as I told her nothing about my life and she felt very excluded. I didn't listen, defied rules, did my own thing and was angry. I desperately wanted their approval as I felt they didn't know any of my positive side or really know me and had this negative perception of me they always judged me on. During another fight, my mother told me I was useless and hopeless after I refused to cooperate with a winter family vacation plan (I stayed in the van for 2.5 days!). Despite my protest, that too cut deep and I believed that those words were her true view of me.

Outside of my family I was actually a pretty awesome person as a teen. I excelled academically, socially, athletically...won awards, worked two jobs, had leadership opportunities and generally was a very well liked and respected person. My parents never saw that side of me and I kept them as in the dark as possible (forging signatures if I needed to).  I was also good. I didn't drink, do drugs, have sex or party yet since my parents had no idea what I did when I disappeared for hours, they assumed the worst.

In my late teens / early twenties, my mother became aware of how the rest of the world saw me and felt really guilty that she had always thought I was a bad or difficult person with few redeeming qualities. We started to speak again however my mother kind of went off the rails for the next ten years. She got involved in a charitable cause with vulnerable men who loved her mothering and she became a surrogate mother to these adult men....pretty much forgetting she had a family. These men needed her more than her children and she loved feeling needed and like she was doing something meaningful. However to me the relationships were weird and inappropriate. Most of the interactions we had in my 20s was her talking incessantly about her project and the men and being upset that we didn't see how badly they needed her and why she had to devote her life to them.

In my 30s we for the first time started to have a healthier relationship. We both worked at it but due to how much hurt I carried from my childhood and adolescence, I have held back. My mother would love to go for lunches or be able to drop by my place or talk about things that matter but I don't really want that. We are cordial and see each other often but I don't ever confide in her and I find time alone with her to be awkward.  Sometimes I feel guilty that I haven't worked harder to create the relationship she wants but I feel like I don't trust her enough to do that. She feels my mistrust is unfair as she feels I had a pretty good life and that she always did the best she could and had good intentions.

I think I am more just curious about how others experiences with their parents have transformed over the years, particularly if they had difficult relationships until adulthood. Have you gotten close? Sometimes I wonder if I should work harder at the relationship, but I don't really want to...but then I also don't feel great knowing that she isn't happy with how our relationship is either.[/quote]

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