Mental illness

[Anonymous]

SIL has a mental illness. She says incredibly hurtful things constantly and never ever apologizes. I've been steering clear of her here recently for my own mental health but my in laws have begun to notice and get mad. How do you go around someone mentally ill(who refuses to take her meds) without sacrificing your own mental health?

[Anonymous]

This is your DH's sister? What does he have to say? Are you and he in agreement?

If so, and if your ILs bring it up, you can refer them to DH.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is your DH's sister? What does he have to say? Are you and he in agreement?

If so, and if your ILs bring it up, you can refer them to DH.

We are in agreement. And we agree that Aunt Larla won't be the best influence on our kids and at some point will hurt their feelings. The problem is, DH wants to see his parents and wants the kids and I there. SIL rarely leaves their parents's house. She's married with children but she can't handle change so she finds herself constantly at her parents.

[Anonymous]

You can only control yourself. You can't control other people.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You can only control yourself. You can't control other people.

That is the key to a peaceful life.

[Anonymous]

I think that you don't miss out on taking the children to their grandparents since it is important for them to see them and have a good relationship with them. You can, however, prep your children ahead of time and put their Aunt's behavior in context so that they can act respectfully around her. You also can arrange for out-of-the-house visits like at a park or the zoo or at a restaurant.

This is a good opportunity for you and your husband to model empathy to your children and to teach your children how to love a family member with mental illness. You might want to check out the NAMI website or others for resources on how to be supportive family members.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is your DH's sister? What does he have to say? Are you and he in agreement?

If so, and if your ILs bring it up, you can refer them to DH.

We are in agreement. And we agree that Aunt Larla won't be the best influence on our kids and at some point will hurt their feelings. The problem is, DH wants to see his parents and wants the kids and I there. SIL rarely leaves their parents's house. She's married with children but she can't handle change so she finds herself constantly at her parents.

I'd give it a few more visits. If there are no "scenes" then continue the visits. But if Aunt Larla starts going off and making a scene, then simply gather the kids and leave. After that DHis free to visit on his own and grandparents are invited to visit at your house or at a park or restaurant near their home. You do NOT have to make every visit at their house. Do not subject yourself or your kids to toxic behavior.

[Anonymous]

Have his parents come see you or see them outside of their house.

[Roar]

OP -- my sister = your SIL. She's bi-polar and an addict to boot. Constantly inventing new ways to siphon money out of my 80+ YO Dad. She's relentless and often angry when I won't help her financially. She leaves really mean messages on the VM and then tries to apologize once it gets too bad.

I don't have the answers. I really don't. I've kept her from visiting and only see her in a Public place. She lives 6+ hours away.

As harsh as it seems, I'm emotionally prepared for her to die due to an overdose or deal gone bad. She's 55 years old and at this point, I don't really feel any kin ship towards her.

Does your DH feel the same way or does the "blood is thicker than water" emotions take over for him?

If it helps, I decided to focus on my family and myself and block her out. I'm trying to convince my dad to do the same, but it's really hard for him.

Don't know if this helps, but thanks for listening.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is your DH's sister? What does he have to say? Are you and he in agreement?

If so, and if your ILs bring it up, you can refer them to DH.

We are in agreement. And we agree that Aunt Larla won't be the best influence on our kids and at some point will hurt their feelings. The problem is, DH wants to see his parents and wants the kids and I there. SIL rarely leaves their parents's house. She's married with children but she can't handle change so she finds herself constantly at her parents.

OP, do you think your DH would listen if you and he really talk about how to reduce and/or control the kids' exposure to their aunt, while still giving them time with their grandparents?

I want you to know you're not alone. My DH has an aunt who is mentally ill and while she has long periods of being fine, she also sometimes goes off her meds and a visit can be highly unpredictable. It's been this way since our DD, now a teen, was little. We don't have your situation of having this aunt forced on us when we visit MIL (they don't live in the same town as each other and we don't live near either), but DH's desire to stay in touch with the aunt does mean we sit down and plan out visits to her.

Will your DH be more flexible about how and when you see his parents? For the kids' sake?

For instance, can you and he agree that if you all see the grandparents, say, once each week, then:

--You and the kids and he all go together to their house one week
--You and the kids do not go but he goes on his own one week
--His parents come visit you one week or you meet at a place that's neither your home nor theirs, like for an outing or dinner etc..
--The fourth week in the month, you, he and the kids have a family outing that is just for the four of you, no grandparents or aunt

This is just an example of a possible schedule; maybe you don't see them as often as weekly. But you get the idea. If your in-laws are able to get out, take them out or meet them somewhere everyone can enjoy rather than always going to their house. Is your DH stuck in "we go to their house, period," or will he mix up the ways you all see his family? Is SIL going to try to tag along if DH issues an invitation to his parents but does not include her? For example, if there is some kids' event and you take the kids and invite MIL and FIL, is your SIL going to either turn up; or MIL/FIL will insist on including her; or SIL will fuss and fume forever after at not being invited? Those are all questions to consider.

I found that with DH's aunt, it helps to know her triggers. For example, due to a ton of stuff I won't get into here, she can veer off into sudden paranoia if certain specific topics come up -- unfortunately they're topics she used to just love to discuss (her longtime hobby that somehow soured in her mind), so we know not to discuss it. Or to bring up the restaurant where she used to eat very frequently and loved the owners until...she didn't any more, so now a place she used to take us is another topic we have to avoid. It makes for a tense visit never to know what you can discuss but we know what's safe: Our DD and her activities and school stuff etc. If your SIL seems better when certain topics are being talked about, be aware of that and, yes, cater to it; she's ill, and you're visiting, so do what works to make things pleasant.

Are your in-laws in denial about SIL's illness or do they see it too? Any chance they need some respite from her being there all the time? Maybe take them with you on a very low-key getaway over a long weekend? They might need a break.

Sorry this is so long but I feel for you. I think it is key that DH be flexible and open to seeing his parents in different ways and places and that engagement with SIL be on whatever turf makes her less angry or upset, and always have an "out" -- a reason to leave with a smile and a "Time for us to get Child to Event"" etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is your DH's sister? What does he have to say? Are you and he in agreement?

If so, and if your ILs bring it up, you can refer them to DH.

We are in agreement. And we agree that Aunt Larla won't be the best influence on our kids and at some point will hurt their feelings. The problem is, DH wants to see his parents and wants the kids and I there. SIL rarely leaves their parents's house. She's married with children but she can't handle change so she finds herself constantly at her parents.

OP, do you think your DH would listen if you and he really talk about how to reduce and/or control the kids' exposure to their aunt, while still giving them time with their grandparents?

I want you to know you're not alone. My DH has an aunt who is mentally ill and while she has long periods of being fine, she also sometimes goes off her meds and a visit can be highly unpredictable. It's been this way since our DD, now a teen, was little. We don't have your situation of having this aunt forced on us when we visit MIL (they don't live in the same town as each other and we don't live near either), but DH's desire to stay in touch with the aunt does mean we sit down and plan out visits to her.

Will your DH be more flexible about how and when you see his parents? For the kids' sake?

For instance, can you and he agree that if you all see the grandparents, say, once each week, then:

--You and the kids and he all go together to their house one week
--You and the kids do not go but he goes on his own one week
--His parents come visit you one week or you meet at a place that's neither your home nor theirs, like for an outing or dinner etc..
--The fourth week in the month, you, he and the kids have a family outing that is just for the four of you, no grandparents or aunt

This is just an example of a possible schedule; maybe you don't see them as often as weekly. But you get the idea. If your in-laws are able to get out, take them out or meet them somewhere everyone can enjoy rather than always going to their house. Is your DH stuck in "we go to their house, period," or will he mix up the ways you all see his family? Is SIL going to try to tag along if DH issues an invitation to his parents but does not include her? For example, if there is some kids' event and you take the kids and invite MIL and FIL, is your SIL going to either turn up; or MIL/FIL will insist on including her; or SIL will fuss and fume forever after at not being invited? Those are all questions to consider.

I found that with DH's aunt, it helps to know her triggers. For example, due to a ton of stuff I won't get into here, she can veer off into sudden paranoia if certain specific topics come up -- unfortunately they're topics she used to just love to discuss (her longtime hobby that somehow soured in her mind), so we know not to discuss it. Or to bring up the restaurant where she used to eat very frequently and loved the owners until...she didn't any more, so now a place she used to take us is another topic we have to avoid. It makes for a tense visit never to know what you can discuss but we know what's safe: Our DD and her activities and school stuff etc. If your SIL seems better when certain topics are being talked about, be aware of that and, yes, cater to it; she's ill, and you're visiting, so do what works to make things pleasant.

Are your in-laws in denial about SIL's illness or do they see it too? Any chance they need some respite from her being there all the time? Maybe take them with you on a very low-key getaway over a long weekend? They might need a break.

Sorry this is so long but I feel for you. I think it is key that DH be flexible and open to seeing his parents in different ways and places and that engagement with SIL be on whatever turf makes her less angry or upset, and always have an "out" -- a reason to leave with a smile and a "Time for us to get Child to Event"" etc.

SIL will just show up uninvited. FIL confided in DH that he really doesn't want to hurt SIL's feelings but she is around way too much. He doesn't get any alone time with MIL. I just don't know how MIL feels about it. They know she has a mental illness as she was diagnosed as a minor and committed temporarily. They tried very hard to convince her to stay on her medication but SIL's husband convinced SIL that she doesn't need it. I think her husband is the largest force playing against us and it's hard.