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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]This is your DH's sister?  What does he have to say?  Are you and he in agreement?

If so, and if your ILs bring it up, you can refer them to DH. [/quote]

We are in agreement. And we agree that Aunt Larla won't be the best influence on our kids and at some point will hurt their feelings. [b]The problem is, DH wants to see his parents and wants the kids and I there. [/b]SIL rarely leaves their parents's house. She's married with children but she can't handle change so she finds herself constantly at her parents.[/quote]

OP, do you think your DH would listen if you and he really talk about how to reduce and/or control the kids' exposure to their aunt, while still giving them time with their grandparents?

I want you to know you're not alone. My DH has an aunt who is mentally ill and while she has long periods of being fine, she also sometimes goes off her meds and a visit can be highly unpredictable. It's been this way since our DD, now a teen, was little. We don't  have your situation of having this aunt forced on us when we visit MIL (they don't live in the same town as each other and we don't live near either), but DH's desire to stay in touch with the aunt does mean we sit down and plan out visits to her.

Will your DH be more flexible about how and when you see his parents? For the kids' sake?

For instance, can you and he agree that if you all see the grandparents, say, once each week, then:

--You and the kids and he all go together to their house one week
--You and the kids do not go but he goes on his own one week
--His parents come visit you one week or you meet at a place that's neither your home nor theirs, like for an outing or dinner etc..
--The fourth week in the month, you, he and the kids have a family outing that is just for the four of you, no grandparents or aunt

This is just an example of a possible schedule; maybe you don't see them as often as weekly. But you get the idea. If your in-laws are able to get out, take them out or meet them somewhere everyone can enjoy rather than always going to their house. Is your DH stuck in "we go to their house, period," or will he mix up the ways you all see his family? Is SIL going to try to tag along if DH issues an invitation to his parents but does not include her? For example, if there is some kids' event and you take the kids and invite MIL and FIL, is your SIL going to either turn up; or MIL/FIL will insist on including her; or SIL will fuss and fume forever after at not being invited? Those are all questions to consider.

I found that with DH's aunt, it helps to know her triggers. For example, due to a ton of stuff I won't get into here, she can veer off into sudden paranoia if certain specific topics come up -- unfortunately they're topics she used to just love to discuss (her longtime hobby that somehow soured in her mind), so we know not to discuss it. Or to bring up the restaurant where she used to eat very frequently and loved the owners until...she didn't any more, so now a place she  used to take us is another topic we have to avoid. It makes for a tense visit never to know what you can discuss but we know what's safe: Our DD and her activities and school stuff etc. If your SIL seems better when certain topics are being talked about, be aware of that and, yes, cater to it; she's ill, and you're visiting, so do what works to make things pleasant.

Are your in-laws in denial about SIL's illness or do they see it too? Any chance they need some respite from her being there all the time? Maybe take them with you on a very low-key getaway over a long weekend? They might need a break.

Sorry this is so long but I feel for you. I think it is key that DH be flexible and open to seeing his parents in different ways and places and that engagement with SIL be on whatever turf makes her less angry or upset, and always have an "out" -- a reason to leave with a smile and a "Time for us to get Child to Event"" etc.[/quote]

SIL will just show up uninvited. FIL confided in DH that he really doesn't want to hurt SIL's feelings but she is around way too much. He doesn't get any alone time with MIL. I just don't know how MIL feels about it. They know she has a mental illness as she was diagnosed as a minor and committed temporarily. They tried very hard to convince her to stay on her medication but SIL's husband convinced SIL that she doesn't need it. I think her husband is the largest force playing against us and it's hard.[/quote]

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