Dealing with ex's retired mother

[Anonymous]

My ex's mother has recently retired and has been driving me crazy! She's been calling me about spending time with my child. Which is fine every once in awhile, but now she's showing up to her camp and our house unannounced to take my daughter to her house to spend time over there. She even planned a two week vacation for her and my daughter without talking to me or my ex first. I spoke to him about it and he said she's been waiting to retire so she can spend more time with her grandchild. He said she's making up for the time she didn't get to spend with him and his siblings when they were growing up because she was busy working. That's fine, but she's doing too much and she has to remember that our daughter has parents that would like to spend time with her as well. If I tell her to back off a bit, I get accused of being selfish with my daughter! I feel like I just can't win!

[Anonymous]

How old is your daughter? What is the custody arrangement and how much of the time is your daughter with you? How often is your ex's mother trying to see your daughter, and how often are you comfortable with?

[Anonymous]

PP here. Meant to add that one big problem is the unannounced drop-ins at home or camp. She needs to coordinate with you about camp pickups and she needs to call you and get the ok before coming to your house. Tell her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How old is your daughter? What is the custody arrangement and how much of the time is your daughter with you? How often is your ex's mother trying to see your daughter, and how often are you comfortable with?

My daughter is 7. She's with me during the week and every other weekend. If my ex's mom had it her way, my daughter would be with her everyday. I'm comfortable with every once in awhile, I just hate the random pop ups and planning vacations without asking.

[Anonymous]

Be kind and firm. When you CAN arrange times for her to spend with your DD, do it. When you can't, just say "that doesn't work for us" and move along. Don't get into debates with her about it. Don't entertain any accusations of "you are keeping my grandchild from me". Ignore all that.

"Hi Mary, today doesn't work for a visit. DD is looking forward to her overnight on the 16th!"

[Anonymous]

An ex-MIL should get to see her grandaughter when your ex has her. She shouldn't be butting in on your days or when you have custody.

[Anonymous]

Also, maybe ask her to watch your DD over school breaks. Start using this enthusiasm to your advantage. Pull out the school year calendar and mark all those random teacher workdays on a calendar and ask Gma to cover those days. Plan an overnight here or there with Gma. Also, can you send her to Grandma Camp next year instead of having to pay for camp? Maybe for a week or two?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:An ex-MIL should get to see her grandaughter when your ex has her. She shouldn't be butting in on your days or when you have custody.

I agree, but she does it to me because I live closer to her than my ex does.

[Anonymous]

Who cares if she accuses you of being selfish? Just say no - this is your kid and your time with her is already diminished by split custody. Don't feel guilty about wanting to spend time with your child.

Can you arrange a standing "date?" Like, maybe Grandma takes her every Thursday after school/camp for a few hours and returns her after dinner. Anything else has to go through your ex. If you have a set schedule and she knows all other requests to you will be met with a no, she should stop bugging you. And bonus, you can make plans knowing you'll have that free time.

I do think, however, that what your daughter wants should matter here. Does she enjoy grandma time?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:An ex-MIL should get to see her grandaughter when your ex has her. She shouldn't be butting in on your days or when you have custody.

I agree, but she does it to me because I live closer to her than my ex does.

Not your problem.

[Anonymous]

Np. Dad only has the kid every other weekend. It drives me nuts that my ex has his mom take the kids on the few days a year genus supposed to actually parent.

Op, I would schedule planned dates. Gma picks up from school M, W, F or whatever.

[Anonymous]

She can spend time with her on her son's weekend so bye!

[Anonymous]

Tell her she has to ask you first for anything that happens on your time. No more just showing up. A standing arrangement may help, if she isn't crazy.

Remind your ex that you aren't responsible for his mother's retirement plans!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Np. Dad only has the kid every other weekend. It drives me nuts that my ex has his mom take the kids on the few days a year genus supposed to actually parent.

Op, I would schedule planned dates. Gma picks up from school M, W, F or whatever.

Give him more time. If he only gets them 4 days a month, what do you expect. You can be decent and have the grandparents see the kids on your time given the difference.

[Anonymous]

OP is responsible for maintaining a relationship with the kids grandparents. Depending on the time share, dad may get so little time that grandma's only option is to go through mom or her time. If dad gets every other weekend, that is 4 out of 28-30 days. Grandma should contact mom and request it but no reason grandma can't be involved assuming no abuse or neglect.