Husband never wants to visit his parents

[Anonymous]

My MIL and FIL live 1.5 hours away. Seeing them is difficult and infrequent because of this. My husband works most weekends, so I try my best to make sure the kids have a relationship with their grandparents on my time, but it gets old. They don't like driving to our house (too long to sit in the car) so we usually go there or meet halfway somewhere. But it gets tiring spending my weekends doing this so often. I'm getting a little resentful.

My husband was on vacation this past week, and he goes back tomorrow. I asked him before his vacation started to plan something with his parents while he was off. I asked him nearly every day last week to plan something with his parents while he was off. He didn't call them once, and obviously didn't arrange anything with them.

Today, he tells me that they just texted him wanting to see the kids next weekend. Of course, my husband works next weekend, so the logistics of this arrangement would be my responsibility.

I'm ready to stand my ground and say 'no'. I reminded him enough times, "Let's go see your parents", and he didn't want to. Well, I don't want to either. Especially because he didn't make a single effort to relieve me of this task. It's like he doesn't want to spend his time off spending the day with them, but sees no issue that I spend my time off with them.

Am I wrong to say no? Or is this the perfect one to stand up for myself?

[Anonymous]

I think you're doing the right thing by making sure they have a relationship with your inlaws. I'm really impressed. Your husband is lazy and antisocial. He needs to understand and take responsibility. I don't know how to get it through to him.

[Anonymous]

I'd be furious in your situation: you are a better person than I. This is the perfect situation to decline to take your kids out there.

It's not clear if your spouse works every day, or works weekends and has a weekday off. If the latter, it's summer and he can take the kids himself on a weekday.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think you're doing the right thing by making sure they have a relationship with your inlaws. I'm really impressed. Your husband is lazy and antisocial. He needs to understand and take responsibility. I don't know how to get it through to him.

I wish I knew too. I feel like the only one I'd be punishing is the grandparents, but my husband obviously does not get it. And I'm tired. My time is important too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think you're doing the right thing by making sure they have a relationship with your inlaws. I'm really impressed. Your husband is lazy and antisocial. He needs to understand and take responsibility. I don't know how to get it through to him.

I wish I knew too. I feel like the only one I'd be punishing is the grandparents, but my husband obviously does not get it. And I'm tired. My time is important too.

If you take them next weekend, he sacrifices some time during the week so that you can do your own thing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'd be furious in your situation: you are a better person than I. This is the perfect situation to decline to take your kids out there.

It's not clear if your spouse works every day, or works weekends and has a weekday off. If the latter, it's summer and he can take the kids himself on a weekday.

It varies, he does occasionally have weekends off, and yes, the weeks he works weekends, he does have weekdays off. He just doesn't want to spend time making the drive, or at least that's what I think it is. And also isn't interested in engaging in conversation with his parents. A PP hit the nail on the head - lazy and antisocial. I think that's why I make the effort, but it is getting old.

I'm torn between not wanting to punish the grandparents, and wanting my time back. Or at least for him to make time too!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'd be furious in your situation: you are a better person than I. This is the perfect situation to decline to take your kids out there.

It's not clear if your spouse works every day, or works weekends and has a weekday off. If the latter, it's summer and he can take the kids himself on a weekday.

It varies, he does occasionally have weekends off, and yes, the weeks he works weekends, he does have weekdays off. He just doesn't want to spend time making the drive, or at least that's what I think it is. And also isn't interested in engaging in conversation with his parents. A PP hit the nail on the head - lazy and antisocial. I think that's why I make the effort, but it is getting old.

I'm torn between not wanting to punish the grandparents, and wanting my time back. Or at least for him to make time too!

He needs to regularly give you your time back in his days off or evenings and weekends. You need to leave the house regularly when he is off.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'd be furious in your situation: you are a better person than I. This is the perfect situation to decline to take your kids out there.

It's not clear if your spouse works every day, or works weekends and has a weekday off. If the latter, it's summer and he can take the kids himself on a weekday.

It varies, he does occasionally have weekends off, and yes, the weeks he works weekends, he does have weekdays off. He just doesn't want to spend time making the drive, or at least that's what I think it is. And also isn't interested in engaging in conversation with his parents. A PP hit the nail on the head - lazy and antisocial. I think that's why I make the effort, but it is getting old.

I'm torn between not wanting to punish the grandparents, and wanting my time back. Or at least for him to make time too!

He needs to regularly give you your time back in his days off or evenings and weekends. You need to leave the house regularly when he is off.

But I want weekend time back. I'm too tired during the week to leave the house and do anything.

[Anonymous]

I agree with PP that he needs to give you your weekend time back. Can you get him to a marriage counselor?

If not, then as a default I would let him know you are not taking the kids to grandparents while school is out. He can do it himself on whatever days he is free, or he can explain to his parents why the kids aren't visiting.

[Anonymous]

I would still do visits, but maybe not as often. How old are the grandparents? Are they too old to make the drive? If they're capable and simply don't want to, I wouldn't feel bad about doing it less.

[Anonymous]

Unless they are truly elderly or have health problems, etc., THEY need to step it up a bit more. You could even make it an overnight or weekend visit every now and then. They can watch the kids one evening of that trip while you and DH go to dinner.

Say NO to DH and do what you WANT to do. If they don't get to see the kids, they can complain to him a few times. Or they can drive 1.5 hours every now and again. (WTF? My ILs live 4.5 hours away, and are happy to make the drive, because it's easier for them to come to us than it is for us to come to them. Granted, they stay for a night or two, but sitll.))

[Anonymous]

Looks like you are the only one who cares about that particular relationship, so you will have to decide if it's worth the effort.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would still do visits, but maybe not as often. How old are the grandparents? Are they too old to make the drive? If they're capable and simply don't want to, I wouldn't feel bad about doing it less.

+1

And press DH about what the deal is. I imagine that his parents would like to see him. When do they see him?

How old are the kids? Do they like seeing their grandparents?

[Anonymous]

The next time he has a weekend off, you coordinate a date for him and the kids to go to his parents house. Coordinate with his parents, pick the day, schedule that and tell him he IS going to take the kids to his parents house, put it on his Google calendar and do not let him off the hook. Anything else he plans, you cancel and remind him that's the day he is taking the kids to see his parents. He goes with the kids and you get the day off at home without him.

And lest you think I'm a controlling wife, I'm a husband. We both voluntarily coordinate activities with our own parents and we keep each other in the loop. But you should not have to put up with him blowing off seeing his parents because he can't be bothered to schedule it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would still do visits, but maybe not as often. How old are the grandparents? Are they too old to make the drive? If they're capable and simply don't want to, I wouldn't feel bad about doing it less.

+1

You have been going above and beyond to facilitate a relationship for your kids, which is wonderful. But you have to take care of yourself, too! 1.5 hours is really not that long of a drive, especially for two adults by themselves. You are the only one really putting in effort here, so you have more than earned the right to step back and let DH and/or his parents take the initiative to make visits happen.

How old are your kids?