Child's Anger Over Mom Working
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Anonymous
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We have a 13 year old girl and 8 year old boy/girl twins. The 8 year old boy is very angry that his mom works. Both his Mom and I (his Dad) are busy professionals. Our nanny is with the kids during the day. We spend a lot of family time together on weekends and we try to take as many vacations as possible, but during the week the kids see us early in the morning and at night.
Our 8 year old son is angry that his mom works. He says "other moms don't work, or they find jobs where they can work at home." (there are a lot of stay at home moms in our neighborhood) Before my wife leaves in the morning, he demands to know when she will be home. When she does get home, his favorite activity is to be next to her on the couch and watch movies. If my wife says that she will be home at 6:00 p.m., but she does not get home until 6:30, or later, he is extremely angry. He will even get physical with her. He has pulled and ripped her shirt. His tantrums seem to be less intense now, but the behavior is still there. When he demands to know when my wife will be home and it is going to be later than he wants, he will also say things like, "then when you get home we will watch 2 or more movies together instead of 1, etc." Then, when they are next to each other on the couch to watch the movie, he will insist on lying on top of her, or very close to her, until she spends about 10 minutes explaining to him that they can't do that. The other kids (the girls) do not have this issue. Our 13 year old did not have this issue when she was younger. Historically, my wife has felt very guilty about her long work hours, but now is confronting his behavior more directly and starting to insist that he not "punish" her for coming home late. These "confrontations" seem to escalate things, but his tantrums don't seem as intense as before. A few additional things to know about him: (1) He and our 8 year old girl sleep in the same bed as my wife. This is something that I was always against, but we did it with our 13 year old and she eventually drifted into her own bedroom. I think we worked so hard that out of laziness, it was just easier to fall asleep with the kids in the bed while watching T.V. (2) He is afraid to go to the bathroom alone. He usually wants one of us to walk him to the bathroom, turn the light on for him, and then wait outside the door until he is finished. He refuses to stay at one end of the house alone, and he believes that there are ghosts (3) He has been much slower than the girls in making friends. He now does have one good friend and has recently had some other play dates that went well. (3) he will get violent with his twin sister by pulling her hair or hitting her. (4) he is very smart and good with technology. he can get my cell phone to do things I did not know it could do. (5) he has been slower than the girls in reading and writing, but perhaps just as good or better in math. Over the years, he has been getting IEP help from school, but my wife has always thought that maybe he was on the high functioning autism spectrum, and that he should have been diagnosed as such. His teachers think that he is "a pleasure to have in the class", he has done reasonably well, and has, with rare exceptions, not acted out at school. He has had violent tantrums, but they seem to be less intense now, and he can be talked down from them, unlike before. Is he just immature? Is he ADD? Autistic spectrum? Does anyone have any thoughts? |
Anonymous
| Get him evaluated and spend more 1-1 time with him. |
Anonymous
| Agree. Consult a psychologist. |
Anonymous
| Well, I would say definitely anxiety. The separation anxiety and anger at mom are definite signs. (Along with being afraid and unwilling to be alone.) There may be some other things going on as well with his inflexibility and learning issues, but it will be easier to tease that out when you have better control of the anxiety. I would start with a CBT psychologist and maybe even a psychiatrist if the psychologist recommends it. (It's often hard to get a new patient appointment with a psychiatrist, so you could try getting an appointment now and then cancel if you don't need it later.) |
Anonymous
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Get him evaluated. You are prisoners to his anxiety or other issues. It could well be autism. Intelligence has nothing to do with whether he is on the spectrum or not. Call Kennedy Krieger or Children's National and explain his violent tantrums.
And, having autism or an anxiety disorder or whatever diagnosis in no way gives him a pass for hitting his sister(s) and mother. His level of functioning in the family unit is seriously compromised. Your family dynamic is unsustainable for him and you. Call your insurance provider and get a list of providers that you can consult with in the meantime. Choose one and go ASAP w/o your child and see if you can get some advice on what to do next. And, how can he be 8 with an IEP yet no diagnosis? |
Anonymous
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What if you told him his mother would return late, say at 8pm, and she actually came earlier? Would he be upset at the incorrect time-keeping, or be happy she came home early? Trying to narrow down the issues here. I know it's not usual in our society, but personally I don't think sleeping with one's family is a bad thing. Indeed you saw that your oldest developed normally. I would get your son evaluated. Keep an open mind. Beware of judgement from bad psychologists (I've met one) but do trust thorough examinations done with respected testing procedures. It sounds like he has difficulty with transitions and is experiencing anxiety, which translates into anger. With his social difficulties (not making friends), your wife is right that it could be part of some high-functioning autism. See Sheldon in the Big Bang Theory - we love that show. My husband and son are both similar to that character! |
Anonymous
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Your 8 year old SON sleeps in the same bed with your wife and his sister??? Where do you sleep?
OP, I'm sorry, but that's a big part of your problem right there. That's just nuts. |
Anonymous
| Psychologist. It doesn't sound like he autism but it sounds like something is going on with him and he needs help. |
Anonymous
Time to review the ethics code, my friend. Or, are you not actually a licensed clinical psychologist? That would actually make more sense. |
Anonymous
Ha, yes, the response of the knee-jerk, close-minded provincial. Shut up. |
Anonymous
The poster is recommending consulting with a psychologist, not claiming to be one. There's nothing unethical or wrong with the post. |
Anonymous
| A kid I know with similar behavior was diagnosed with OCD, which is a much broader and very different kind of diagnosis than most people think of when they hear the term. Interestingly, the parents went in expecting an HFA diagnosis, but that wasn't it. So I agree that you would be helped by going to get a formal evaluation. |
Anonymous
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I also wanted to add that the child's anger about mom working is clearly just a manifestation of the larger issue. Holding mom down/laying on her, demanding more and more time are not normal reactions to mom being 30 minutes late from work.
Your child is abusing your wife and daughters... ... most likely because he has some underlying issue. Most likely because, for some reason, he does not feel safe or in control of himself or environment. But the pattern that he is in is dangerous. He cannot be allowed to abuse women. Eight is big enough to hurt others. But please don't spend any time feeling guilty for working a job (mom) or sleeping with the child. You have a really tough child with some serious issues. Doesn't sound like just immaturity. There are some great professionals that can really help turn this around for your family. |
Anonymous
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I also wanted to add that the child's anger about mom working is clearly just a manifestation of the larger issue. Holding mom down/laying on her, demanding more and more time are not normal reactions to mom being 30 minutes late from work.
Your child is abusing your wife and daughters... ... most likely because he has some underlying issue. Most likely because, for some reason, he does not feel safe or in control of himself or environment. But the pattern that he is in is dangerous. He cannot be allowed to abuse women. Eight is big enough to hurt others. But please don't spend any time feeling guilty for working a job (mom) or sleeping with the child. You have a really tough child with some serious issues. Doesn't sound like just immaturity. There are some great professionals that can really help turn this around for your family. |
Anonymous
I agree and I know another child with the same profile and diagnosis. |