Child's Anger Over Mom Working

[Anonymous]

The description does sound like a 7yo boy with hfa I know (tho not the bathroom issues). The concerns and control over time in particular.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your 8 year old SON sleeps in the same bed with your wife and his sister??? Where do you sleep?

OP, I'm sorry, but that's a big part of your problem right there. That's just nuts.

+1. Lack of sleep or poor quality sleep contributes to more brittle or extreme emotions - more guilt feelings for mom and more irritability for child.

Also, you need to turn off the TV. It shouldn't be a "reward" that mom will come home and watch TV with kid. Kids need interactive attention. TV snuggling, while it sounds nice, isn't a substitute for activities with Mom - talking, helping with dinner, playing outside, etc. Your child needs more positive attention to give up the negative attention-seeking behaviours.

That said, I strongly agree with others that neuropsych and possible mental health eval would be wise.

[Anonymous]

He may be immature and just overall "needier" than your girls, and even children his own age. He needs your wife's attention, reassurance, and time.

While a formal evaluation may help you understand the causes and offer coping techniques, in the meantime, you can:

1. Work on sleep quality. Quality of sleep is huge in regard to a child's threshold of irritability, frustration, energy levels, and often....frequency of meltdowns.

2. Ditch the use of TV as a means to fall asleep. Can they read together? Spend more 1:1 time together? Work on homework together? Go on an evening walk together?

3. Instead of your wife spending 10 minutes explaining why he can't lie on top of her/next to her while watching a movie, can she just humor him and let him sit on her lap? Snuggle really close? He's 8 years old.

4. If he's anxious about using the bathroom, can you get him a cool nightlight to keep in there? Let him pick it out, Show him how to turn it on/off. It'll give him a sense of control.

[Anonymous]

Get him evaluated--it sounds like anxiety.

And get a family therapist in the mix too, you all need help dealing with this. But something is clearly wrong with your son.

[Anonymous]

I see some similarities with my DS who has HFA and anxiety. He has the rigidity and the constant need to be with other people and the meltdowns. Some kids who suffer from anxiety take tremendous reassurance from physical contact too. He craves it because it helps him feel regulated. I also wouldn't be shocked by OCD. Anxiety seems to play a big role in what's going on either way. You definitely need to take him to a psychologist for a neuro-psych evaluation. There are lots of threads on here about where to go and what to expect.

That said, stop explaining how mom needs to work. Logical explanations aren't going to make an impact on what is an emotional issue and it just centers the whole conversation around mom working which is not the problem at all. I agree it would be good to ditch the TV in favor of games, reading, or a walk. Unless everyone is suffering from lack of sleep, I would also put the sleeping arrangements towards the bottom of the priority list to address. Could you encourage your 8yo DD to start moving towards her own room? A typically developing 8yo shouldn't have a problem, especially if you really make her sleeping space special for her. It's not surprising at all that an 8yo with anxiety needs to be with another person, though. My 9yo with HFA and anxiety shares a room with his brother and has lots of aids such as nightlights and music but for a long time he needed DH or me with him in order to fall asleep.

[Anonymous]

I have b/g twins same age... I know it's exhausting. I would first honestly stop the TV/movies. It will seem painful at first for you - it is really really hard to cut them out, but there is a huge diminishing return in terms of behavior. (we do 20 mins of ipad time a day but not every day). Second, cut out the sleeping together and focus on regular & early bed time (getting enough sleep is huge for behavior too) Third, as a working mom in a neighborhood with tons of SAHMs, I say "this is how it is in our family, I do a job that helps do xyz and also good for my brain and ability to be a good mom, and it is how we pay for our house and food and toys (could add in TV) -- It sucks having to 'explain' it and I'm sure there are better and professionally recommended ways to do it - but just calmly stating as a fact quickly - and then moving on. My twins both often get 'mad' and act out when I come home later than usual or have to work late etc. And I just have to shrug, deal with melt downs and say that's how it is, let's move on. Anyway. I would do those things BEFORE going to a psychologist -- but think a family therapist would be helpful - it sounds like there is something going on, but that it's also contributed to a family dynamic.

[Anonymous]

Also, boys are different than girls. I grew up with brothers and the hair pulling, hitting, etc. is bothersome but not terribly out of the ordinary. Ditto with the slower to make friends and being good with technology. Girls tend to be gentle, social butterflies, and many boys aren't wired that way.
He may be a sensitive, anxious, introvert. We saw a child psychologist who noticed these traits in my DS. She made a few helpful suggestions.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Also, boys are different than girls. I grew up with brothers and the hair pulling, hitting, etc. is bothersome but not terribly out of the ordinary. Ditto with the slower to make friends and being good with technology. Girls tend to be gentle, social butterflies, and many boys aren't wired that way.
He may be a sensitive, anxious, introvert. We saw a child psychologist who noticed these traits in my DS. She made a few helpful suggestions.

I'm sorry, but this is just BS. I'm the only girl out of 5 kids, grew up on a farm and have 2 boys/1 girl. Hitting/hair pulling are not acceptable and gender doesn't make it any more acceptable or tolerable. You are excusing bad behavior that should not be allowed under any circumstances. A SN might explain it but it does not excuse it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Also, boys are different than girls. I grew up with brothers and the hair pulling, hitting, etc. is bothersome but not terribly out of the ordinary. Ditto with the slower to make friends and being good with technology. Girls tend to be gentle, social butterflies, and many boys aren't wired that way.
He may be a sensitive, anxious, introvert. We saw a child psychologist who noticed these traits in my DS. She made a few helpful suggestions.

I'm sorry, but this is just BS. I'm the only girl out of 5 kids, grew up on a farm and have 2 boys/1 girl. Hitting/hair pulling are not acceptable and gender doesn't make it any more acceptable or tolerable. You are excusing bad behavior that should not be allowed under any circumstances. A SN might explain it but it does not excuse it.

I didn't say it was acceptable. As someone who has been in elementary ed for my entire career, I have noticed the difference between the ways boys and girls often misbehave.

[Anonymous]

What this child is experiencing and doing is out of the ordinary. This family is in serious turmoil. If it were "ordinary," the parents would be able to move their family past this. They aren't able to do it.

OP -- this is how I knew my child had a problem. I tried so many different rewards and punishments. Nothing seemed to work. We went for an eval and got a diagnosis and help. It's not easy, but we are getting interventions and making progress.

This isn't ordinary. Your family is in obvious pain and caught in a dynamic that is not working at all.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Also, boys are different than girls. I grew up with brothers and the hair pulling, hitting, etc. is bothersome but not terribly out of the ordinary. Ditto with the slower to make friends and being good with technology. Girls tend to be gentle, social butterflies, and many boys aren't wired that way.
He may be a sensitive, anxious, introvert. We saw a child psychologist who noticed these traits in my DS. She made a few helpful suggestions.

I'm sorry, but this is just BS. I'm the only girl out of 5 kids, grew up on a farm and have 2 boys/1 girl. Hitting/hair pulling are not acceptable and gender doesn't make it any more acceptable or tolerable. You are excusing bad behavior that should not be allowed under any circumstances. A SN might explain it but it does not excuse it.

I didn't say it was acceptable. As someone who has been in elementary ed for my entire career, I have noticed the difference between the ways boys and girls often misbehave.

That doesn't make hitting/hair pulling 'ordinary'.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Also, boys are different than girls. I grew up with brothers and the hair pulling, hitting, etc. is bothersome but not terribly out of the ordinary. Ditto with the slower to make friends and being good with technology. Girls tend to be gentle, social butterflies, and many boys aren't wired that way.
He may be a sensitive, anxious, introvert. We saw a child psychologist who noticed these traits in my DS. She made a few helpful suggestions.

I'm sorry, but this is just BS. I'm the only girl out of 5 kids, grew up on a farm and have 2 boys/1 girl. Hitting/hair pulling are not acceptable and gender doesn't make it any more acceptable or tolerable. You are excusing bad behavior that should not be allowed under any circumstances. A SN might explain it but it does not excuse it.

I didn't say it was acceptable. As someone who has been in elementary ed for my entire career, I have noticed the difference between the ways boys and girls often misbehave.

That doesn't make hitting/hair pulling 'ordinary'.

I think what PP is trying to say is that a behavior may be unacceptable without being pathological.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Also, boys are different than girls. I grew up with brothers and the hair pulling, hitting, etc. is bothersome but not terribly out of the ordinary. Ditto with the slower to make friends and being good with technology. Girls tend to be gentle, social butterflies, and many boys aren't wired that way.
He may be a sensitive, anxious, introvert. We saw a child psychologist who noticed these traits in my DS. She made a few helpful suggestions.

I'm sorry, but this is just BS. I'm the only girl out of 5 kids, grew up on a farm and have 2 boys/1 girl. Hitting/hair pulling are not acceptable and gender doesn't make it any more acceptable or tolerable. You are excusing bad behavior that should not be allowed under any circumstances. A SN might explain it but it does not excuse it.

I didn't say it was acceptable. As someone who has been in elementary ed for my entire career, I have noticed the difference between the ways boys and girls often misbehave.

That doesn't make hitting/hair pulling 'ordinary'.

I think what PP is trying to say is that a behavior may be unacceptable without being pathological.

True. In general, boys are much more physical than girls and are often punished for it in elementary school, which is very female-centric. Boys mature much slower than girls and I think are often "diagnosed" with a disorder when the diagnosis is actually just BOY.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What this child is experiencing and doing is out of the ordinary. This family is in serious turmoil. If it were "ordinary," the parents would be able to move their family past this. They aren't able to do it.

OP -- this is how I knew my child had a problem. I tried so many different rewards and punishments. Nothing seemed to work. We went for an eval and got a diagnosis and help. It's not easy, but we are getting interventions and making progress.

This isn't ordinary. Your family is in obvious pain and caught in a dynamic that is not working at all.

So much this!!!

We tend to get so hung up on "does he have X diagnosis" when that's really beside the point. There are people out there who can help regardless of what diagnosis he ends up with or doesn't. A psychologist can help tease out underlying issues and recommend concrete steps to address the problems. A therapist can help your DS but also help you with new ways to parent.

[Anonymous]

X1000 seperation anxiety.
Kids with ADHD often suffer from anxiety /seperation anxiety, fyi