50th Wedding Anniversary - My responsibilities?
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Anonymous
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I am one of 4 children. Our parents' 50th anniversary is coming up. My mother is of the type who loves to have things done for her/celebrated. I don't think my father cares. Because of family dynamics and personalities, most of the planning would probably fall to me.
My parents were and are fine parents. They are only intimately involved in one of my siblings' lives (she lives near them and has the youngest kids). Except for my one sister, the rest of us are spread across the country. My parents have considerably more disposable income than the rest of us. For instance, they have taken two extensive international trips already this year (their anniversary is next year, so unrelated), where one of my brothers probably will not have the funds to do anything. I guess, since I am asking, I feel like their is a cultural expectation that we should do something. Thoughts? |
Anonymous
| I don't think it's the children's responsibility to organize and host their parents anniversary. If parents want to throw a party, I would encourage all the kids and grandkids to attend. |
Anonymous
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Send a group email to your siblings asking if they had thoughts on possibly planning a group celebration and if so what are their ideas and budget.
simple just ask |
Anonymous
They don't want to do/pay for anything. They will do something if they think our mother will throw a fit -if I strong arm them into it. Did I mention I am the only girl? |
Anonymous
Then, good news! You get to decide. I do think you should do SOMETHING, but not more than you can really handle or afford. This could range from having all the kids and grandkids record something nice on video that you put together into a show (free, no one travels, only time and coordination on your part), to throwing a huge catered party that costs thousands and getting everyone to fly in. In between is figuring out if a family gathering of any kind is possible, or making a large-ish donation to their church or another cause in their honor, or buying a gift you think they'd like. Your mom likes a fuss made over her -- how much tolerance do you have for making that fuss? How much money would you be able to collect among the four of you if you wanted to spend money on something? |
Anonymous
In the OP you said you have 1 sister. |
Anonymous
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Since your dad (I'm sure) knows how your mother is about milestone events, would he be willing to fund the party?
I think that's really reasonable, then you can do all that planning and such. I would not be guilted into spending thousands on an anniversary party for anyone. It sounds like the financial aspect is (understandably) some of your resentment. If your father were to take that away, would you still be as upset? That way, you don't have to shake your brothers down for cash and stuff. |
Anonymous
Yeah, she said that twice in the OP. What gives, OP? |
Anonymous
| I see where you're coming from OP. It seems like all of my parents and grandparents milestone birthdays and anniversaries fall to the younger generation and I'm not sure why. My grandparents have ridiculous amounts of money, but we still have to throw 90th birthday parties for them and 40th anniversary parties and such. |
Anonymous
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Oh sorry! I had a fourth brother, that passed away, I always call my brother's widow, my sister. But I really don't think it is her responsibility at all, and I do not think she should pay for it - especially because she has difficulties with my mother fairly often. I apologize for the confusion.
That is a good idea to ask my father. My concern is that then that will put my mother's disappointment on him if he tells me not to worry about it. But, he's a big boy. Regarding money, while we could contribute what is needed, it would be hardship a for two siblings. For one it would be a financial hardship, for the other it would be a relationship hardship because my SIL's parents did a family trip and footed the bill, and (according to my SIL) they have considerably less money than my parents. Perhaps I will be totally passive aggressive and ask my parents what they are planning to do. Sigh. |
Anonymous
| It's not passive aggressive to ask your parents their plans. |
Anonymous
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Discussing this with your parents is not passive aggressive.
I am the only girl so I get it. I asked my siblings if they would be willing to contribute and how much, some said $500 some said $200, some said none. For the none, I asked them to plan music (make playlists) the venue had a way to play music... but that is his interest. For another who said none, I had no expectation since he was ill. I also asked the grandchildren to put together a slideshow of pictures and a "history of" how they met, where they lived, etc. I took my budget $1000ish and told my parents the plan and asked them what they thought, was the venue okay, would they like something bigger than my budget allowed which was 25ish people. I asked if they could contribute toward the more people and bar. It was $35/person + bar. They wanted 35 people so they paid for the extra people and the bar tab. We did a family portrait as a gift. |
Anonymous
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I get it, OP. I am the one in my family on whom this would fall. Given all the above, and some excellent suggestions, I would handle it this way:
- Call your father and ask him to bankroll the event - Make a reservation at a club or restaurant for a nice family (all of your parents' sibs and cousins, all of your sibs/spouses/children) dinner party. Plan for happy hour with an open bar and cocktails followed by dinner and cake. - Have the grandchildren make a little video or something (suggested above) - Pick a weekend and tell your brothers to be there with their families - Send out save the dates or invites, and just do it. Life is too short. This is a big occasion. Celebrate it if only as an opportunity for you to get your family together. |
Anonymous
The above is pretty much what we did for our parents' 50th anniversary, both of whom wanted a big party. The underlying thought was that it could likely be the last time they got together with many of their cousins, so we went for it. We had a dinner at a local hotel, and invited about 75 friends and relatives from throughout the country. (My one sibling and I divided the cost of the "reception hour" food and the sit-down dinner. Mom and Dad paid for the liquor and the 4-person band.) There are ways to do something very nice for cheaper, though. Perhaps a brunch buffet at a hotel, so you won't have a liquor bill (other than a celebratory glass of champagne), and the brunch price will be less than dinner, of course. Hold the guest list down to the closest family and friends, and with your parents pitching it, perhaps it's doable. People really seemed to appreciate the chance to get together, particularly the cousins. It IS a big occasion, and these days, quite an accomplishment. Celebrate! |
Anonymous
+1 |