ADHD boy isn't responsible

[Anonymous]

I could use some ideas. My son is in 6th grade and about to start middle school. He doesn't do his homework unless he has to, and if I don't know about it, then it doesn't get done. He often misses recess to finish things up. I don't always know if its done because some things are done in class, and he lies and says it already done sometimes. He has ADHD and anxiety, and really does seem to forget things a lot. He wants to do everything last minute, isn't responsible, and doesn't seem to care although I think he does care, maybe too much. He gets very upset if I yell at him about it so I try and stay calm but its very stressful for me as well when the teachers call.

He is in regular therapy for anxiety, although we may switch therapists in the Fall as he is getting older and doesn't seem to be getting as much out of his current therapist. He is quite bright and doesn't actually seem to have a problem doing the homework, he's in a gifted program, its more a matter of doing it and putting actual effort in. He is also on medication, but maybe we need to switch to something else. We will also be asking his therapist and psychiatrist for suggestions. He does a sport to give him activity. If it were up to him, he would sit in a dark room all day staring at an electronic, but we don't allow him to have electronics most of the time. Next year the school will give him a computer though. I sometimes have to make him eat. I'm not sure taking away toys will change anything, plus its almost summer and school is about over. His grades aren't great due to missed assignments. He gets straight A's if he turns in everything.

Looking for suggestions on things that might help. We may update his nuero-psych in the Fall and apply to private school. Some people say this is typical tween boy behavior but I think it goes beyond that. We are just running out of ideas to force accountability. As a working parent, its hard to keep on top of him all the time. Tutors have helped in the past but he doesn't have problems doing the work, its more just making him think to do it before its late and I get emails from the school. He won't put in any effort. I'm so upset.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I could use some ideas. My son is in 6th grade and about to start middle school. He doesn't do his homework unless he has to, and if I don't know about it, then it doesn't get done. He often misses recess to finish things up. I don't always know if its done because some things are done in class, and he lies and says it already done sometimes. He has ADHD and anxiety, and really does seem to forget things a lot. He wants to do everything last minute, isn't responsible, and doesn't seem to care although I think he does care, maybe too much. He gets very upset if I yell at him about it so I try and stay calm but its very stressful for me as well when the teachers call.

He is in regular therapy for anxiety, although we may switch therapists in the Fall as he is getting older and doesn't seem to be getting as much out of his current therapist. He is quite bright and doesn't actually seem to have a problem doing the homework, he's in a gifted program, its more a matter of doing it and putting actual effort in. He is also on medication, but maybe we need to switch to something else. We will also be asking his therapist and psychiatrist for suggestions. He does a sport to give him activity. If it were up to him, he would sit in a dark room all day staring at an electronic, but we don't allow him to have electronics most of the time. Next year the school will give him a computer though. I sometimes have to make him eat. I'm not sure taking away toys will change anything, plus its almost summer and school is about over. His grades aren't great due to missed assignments. He gets straight A's if he turns in everything.

Looking for suggestions on things that might help. We may update his nuero-psych in the Fall and apply to private school. Some people say this is typical tween boy behavior but I think it goes beyond that. We are just running out of ideas to force accountability. As a working parent, its hard to keep on top of him all the time. Tutors have helped in the past but he doesn't have problems doing the work, its more just making him think to do it before its late and I get emails from the school. He won't put in any effort. I'm so upset.

Yeah ... the not caring is a big defense mechanism. Getting started is really hard when you have ADHD and then with anxiety on top of that it all becomes overwhelming very quickly. Does he have an IEP or 504 with something in there for helping track assignments and due dates?

Have you thought about getting an organization tutor or ADHD coach? It doesn't sound like he needs a subject material tutor, but he really needs someone to help him figure out how to get on top of everything, stay organized, and not get overwhelmed.

[Anonymous]

OP Here, yes I was wondering if it would be possible to switch from a psychologist to some sort of ADHD coach who could help him keep track of things and also help him deal with his frustration as well. Not sure if they can do it all but it would be nice because we are paying for the therapist now and it doesn't seem to help that much with school.

School has been trying to help but day-day homework often falls through the cracks untill its late. His grades are mostly decent except in certain subjects where he slacks off. He does ok for a while, but right now the end of the year is close and my son apparently can't focus on school work anymore (squirrel!). Plus I think he's nervous about moving to middle school.

[Anonymous]

Relax. Mine is a mild ADHD (medicated) son who certainly has executive functioning issues and won't do work. Ever. If your son does some that's good. Mine gets D's and F's during the semester, crams for the Finals, gets B's and winds up with C's and D's. Infuriating. But there's nothing you can do. I mean outside of what you have already done. Tutors might help. Talking with teachers and counselors might. Remind him to do HW, support him emotionally, but that's it. I wish there was a magic bullet. There ain't. Parents who don't have this issue won't understand that your kid will never, ever do the work and there is nothing you can do to make him do the work. I sound callous, but the sooner you establish a modified approach (not giving up, just altering your expectations), the better your relationship will be, and that is really all that counts. Trust me on that one.

[Anonymous]

Does he have an IEP?
He can get accommodations such as teacher communicating homework to you or writing it in an agenda.
Missing recess is not appropriate for unfinished work.

[Anonymous]

I've got a 14 yo so I've got a couple years experience on you. Does your DS have an IEP? What school system are you in? We're in FCPS and in middle school they have a class called 'Strategies for Success' for kids (with/without IEPs) who have recognized organizational challenges. It provides explicit instruction on study skills, organizational skills, tools, executive functioning, etc. It's really a great class. It's an elective but if the kid demonstrates compentency, they can get out out of and take a different elective when the quarter is over. Sorry to say that my DS has taken it 8 quarters because he did not demonstrate competency - partly ADHD, partly behavioral.

I've given up on trying to get my DS to intrinsically 'care' about his grades. I don't need him to 'care', I need him to do his work and demonstrate he has learned the curricula. I try to keep things as objective as possible and the most objective criteria I know of that measures understanding of the criteria are grades. DS has tried to suggest other criteria. That leads to a discussion of objective and subjective measures and, because I have final determination of what the measurement tool is, we use grades. DS is of average/above average intelligence and while he has multiple LDs, particularly in math, he is quite capable of all As and Bs. That is the objective I have set - all As and Bs. Based on his performance, he can earn privileges and rewards - same as me at my job. When he gets D/Fs, he goes on a performance improvement plan (PIP). The lower the grade, the more involved I become.

When DS has A/Bs, he can take he cell phone to school every day. He has access to it from the time he gets home from school up until dinner time. He can also use it to listen to music while he walks the dog. With Cs, I shut it off remotely when he gets home from school and, depending on his behavior, he may/may not get to listen to music while walking the dog. Any D/Fs and he loses the phone completely. Note, I do not 'take' his phone, he 'loses' it. He has to 'earn' the phone and games. Same with the video games. Language is important.

He only gets to play video games if he has all A/Bs and even then he has to 'earn' time. For example, he had to do a presentation for a class yet was refusing to practice and was especially resistant to any feedback I had. I 'bargained' with him. Every time he practiced the presentation, he earned X minutes of game time (to be played on the weekend). He didn't have to do it in front of me but he did have to record it so that I could count the number of times he went through the entire presentation. I couldn't offer him any suggestions but I could live with that. At least he had some practice before he did it.

FCPS uses SIS/Blackboard to record grades on assessments and homework. In our schools, everything is there so I can see what scores he's gotten and what's missing. At one point, he dug himself into an academic hole he didn't know how to get out of and was refusing assistance. I scaffolded my response.
1. He needs to contact teacher to schedule a re-take. / He needs to contact teacher to stay after school
2. He needs to email the teacher and I want to see the email and the teacher's response
3. I dictate to him what he needs to write to the teacher and I make sure he does it.
4. I contact the teacher directly with a copy to DS
5. I arrange a meeting with me, the teacher and DS (he hates this but it's been effective).
5. The nuclear option that I haven't done but have put out - I sit in on the problematic class

Yes, I know. You'd think a 14 yo wouldn't need his mother to email the teacher. Believe you me, I know how this sounds. I've got 2 other kids and I don't have to do this with them but this kid is different and you have to parent the kid you've got. There are a ton of life lessons my kid needs to learn before he leaves the house. I've had employees who haven't learned these lessons and it sucks for everyone. At least at this age, I can do something about it. The teachers have, with few exceptions, been really supportive and on board. Those that haven't, I suspect think he's just a lazy shit that needs to get his act together. The problem is complex. Yes, there is an element of laziness/inertia in there but there's also a real skills gap. Problem solving and planning just don't come natural to him. It's hard and I need to help him learn how to help himself. HTH.

[Anonymous]

^^PP here. Forgot to mention that when I 'bargained' with DS about video game time and the presentation, he had a C- in the class. You've got to maintain enough flexiblity/currency to change behavior. It's a balancing act. You've got to be consistent but not so rigid that you can't find a path to get what it is you want. I needed DS to see that practice made the presentation better and he would likely get a better grade (he was not impressed that presentation skills are needed in the workforce and this would help him learn them). DS will also not be allowed to have a cell phone all summer if he has any D/Fs. I really don't want to keep it all summer but THAT is non-negotiable. He 'loses' the privilege until he gets a report card with no D/Fs.

This totally sucks and I hate having to do it but it's better than the alternative. I work really hard to keep emotion out of it. Objective measures........

[Anonymous]

^^ good advice and strategy. Mine is in college, and I still do a few of those interventions. DC is actually grateful

[Anonymous]

Thanks so much to the PP who offered such extensive, thoughtful advice. We teachers would be thrilled to have parents like you to back up what we do. Bravo!

[j2415]

Homework demands more discipline and we can help our kids to make it easier by creating a routine.
I have read an article about establishing homework routine and I want to share it with you. It says that it would help the child if the parent would schedule the homework for the same time each day without any electronics. It works with my son.
It is also important to give advance notice of homework time, according to research, kids with ADHD don’t easily shift from one activity to another especially from playing to homework. You have mentioned that you are a working mom, when you get home, you can review your child’s work to see if it’s complete. And it’s also Ok to give him rewards to motivate. I hope it helps. Praying for you and thank you for sharing.

[Anonymous]

j2415 wrote:Homework demands more discipline and we can help our kids to make it easier by creating a routine.
I have read an article about establishing homework routine and I want to share it with you. It says that it would help the child if the parent would schedule the homework for the same time each day without any electronics. It works with my son.
It is also important to give advance notice of homework time, according to research, kids with ADHD don’t easily shift from one activity to another especially from playing to homework. You have mentioned that you are a working mom, when you get home, you can review your child’s work to see if it’s complete. And it’s also Ok to give him rewards to motivate. I hope it helps. Praying for you and thank you for sharing.

Admittedly, my DS isn't a teen yet so take everything with a grain of salt ... but I've noticed that routine is a HUGE thing with him. If we break routine even for something that is fun, it takes a mental toll on him. We struggle with routine being a busy household with 3 kids, but I've had success with putting one of those big desktop paper calendars on the wall and marking in all of our activities, holidays, milestones, etc.

I'm also the one who suggested an organizational coach earlier. I just know I have my own ADHD tendencies and I've learned a lot of tools and strategies and I've become fairly successful, but I still struggle sometimes with breaking down big, daunting tasks and getting started. One tip I've found for getting started also goes back to routine and transitions. Have you ever heard of the pomodoro productivity technique? http://lifehacker.com/productivity-101-a-primer-to-the-pomodoro-technique-1598992730 I find the "try harder" or "just do it" school of advice is less useful than specific techniques. It's like saying "don't forget meeting" vs learning how to get the most use out of your Google or Outlook calendar -- if I used the former method, it would be an utter failure.