2nd grader being excluded from birthday parties

[Anonymous]

I have a 2nd grader who is very social and is always playing with other kids when I pick him up from aftercare, regularly plays sports with other kids at recess, and gets along well with just about everybody. But I noticed lately that he doesn't get invited to birthday parties. I know of three boys from his class who are also on his soccer team who had birthday parties this year and didn't invite him (for two of the parties the moms posted pictures on FB, for the third party another mom asked me if my kid was going to so-and-so's party b/c she wanted to carpool, but my son hadn't been invited). There are two other kids he's friends with from soccer and from his aftercare who also had parties and didn't invite him (both of them had invited him in the past). Today he said one of his friends said he'd invite him to his birthday party coming up if another kid couldn't make it and a spot opened up, and another kid, who is one of his best friends, told him he was trying to decide between inviting my son or another boy to his sleepover party.

My son mostly doesn't seem bothered by this, though he was sad about his close friend not knowing if he'll invite him to his sleepover (I'm not sure he knows about all of these other parties), but it bothers me that he's being excluded. I know I need to get over it, but I also want to understand why these other boys aren't inviting him. We used to have bigger, invite-the-whole-class birthday parties in preschool and in K, but the last two years we only invited 2-3 friends, one year for a sleepover and one year to go to a sporting event. I don't know if other parents think he's having parties and not inviting their kids, or if the kids are saying they don't want to invite him or what. I've never had concerns about him socially, but maybe I should?

Anyone else have this experience? Any thoughts about what might be going on? Am I overthinking it? Looking for a problem that doesn't exist? Please talk some sense into me!

[Anonymous]

You're only inviting who you want to his parties now. That's what the other families are doing. Nothing more is going on...essentially, your son is on a "b" list or lower.

[Anonymous]

I think you have answered your own question. As kids get older they often have smaller parties. If your child has a lot of friends but not one or two (mutual) best friends, he might not get invited.

If he is happy and social in other ways I wouldn't worry too much about it. Maybe just be sure you are helping him cultivate relationships with boys he genuinely likes (e.g., encouraging him to have play dates on weekends rather than being lazy like I am).

[Anonymous]

You only invited a few guests to his party, and are bothered that other parents are doing the same for their child?

[Anonymous]

Yes I think parties are much smaller by second grade.

But does he have classroom behavior issues?

[Anonymous]

Did those two or three friends you invited to His party returned the invitation? If so, then there is your answer. Things have become more reciprocal.

[Anonymous]

OP here. The kids he has invited have invited him to their parties (though one of them is the good friend who is thinking about whether to invite him this year). I'm not at all bothered by my son not being invited to small parties. I totally get that. I'm bothered by him not being invited to big parties at the sportsplex or at the laser tag place, etc. For the PP who asked - he doesn't have any classroom behavior issues. For the PP who felt the need to call an 8-year-old "B list or lower," I feel sorry for you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. The kids he has invited have invited him to their parties (though one of them is the good friend who is thinking about whether to invite him this year). I'm not at all bothered by my son not being invited to small parties. I totally get that. I'm bothered by him not being invited to big parties at the sportsplex or at the laser tag place, etc. For the PP who asked - he doesn't have any classroom behavior issues. For the PP who felt the need to call an 8-year-old "B list or lower," I feel sorry for you.

Don't overthink it, OP. My kid was rarely invited and we didn't invite many people too, so perhaps there is some tallying going on. Oh well, no harm done, right?

[Anonymous]

The other thing that happens, op, is that the kids rattle off the names they think of but are not careful about whether or not they e excluded anyone. Also do people have your contact information?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. The kids he has invited have invited him to their parties (though one of them is the good friend who is thinking about whether to invite him this year). I'm not at all bothered by my son not being invited to small parties. I totally get that. I'm bothered by him not being invited to big parties at the sportsplex or at the laser tag place, etc. For the PP who asked - he doesn't have any classroom behavior issues. For the PP who felt the need to call an 8-year-old "B list or lower," I feel sorry for you.

Even laser tag parties are not that big. My son has years where he is invited to a lot of parties and some where he is not. Kids get to,pick so many friends. Add family friends in and friends from church or other activities and therecreally may not be that many kids in his class invited.

[Anonymous]

It's wrong, OP, and anti-social. Don't let these DCUM posters who only invite "A" list kids to their kids' parties tell you any differently. It's sad when grown people seek to justify their exclusionary behavior and pass these values on to their kids. I would ask the parents who excluded my kid if there's something about him or her that the other kids don't like. That, or I'd take a good hard look at who my kid thinks is his or her best friend.

I can't stand this sort of exclusionary behavior. It starts here and continues into adulthood. People are always seeking ways to make themselves seem better than others.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:the last two years we only invited 2-3 friends, one year for a sleepover and one year to go to a sporting event

Are you also doing playdates on a regular basis? You don't seem to be doing much of the social work of hosting yet you expect others to host your son.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's wrong, OP, and anti-social. Don't let these DCUM posters who only invite "A" list kids to their kids' parties tell you any differently. It's sad when grown people seek to justify their exclusionary behavior and pass these values on to their kids. I would ask the parents who excluded my kid if there's something about him or her that the other kids don't like. That, or I'd take a good hard look at who my kid thinks is his or her best friend.

I can't stand this sort of exclusionary behavior. It starts here and continues into adulthood. People are always seeking ways to make themselves seem better than others.

+1

Are you friendly with one of the mom's? If you are, I would just ask. Explain just what you've explained to us. Since it's happened so many times, I have to admit it would bother me too.

some years there are lots of invites, other years just a few. And while I would be nice if no one was excluded, that's not quite realistic. Everyone gets a turn at being excluded and it teaches life lessons. Do keep perspective, keep being positive with your son, and for sure schedule more play dates.

[Anonymous]

WTH? You've answered your own question. I am sure you have told your son to pick X number of people to have at his sleepover or go to the game. Other families are doing the same thing and now you want to know why he is excluded. Think about what you just wrote.

Forget the "b-list" nonsense. 2nd grade boys don't think that way. At what point do you think it is ok for OTHER people to invite who they want to birthday parties, though?

[Anonymous]

Make sure your email isn't putting evites into a junk folder! That happened to a family I know who got all hurt that their kid was never invited to things. Turned out they weren't getting the evites!