2nd grader being excluded from birthday parties

[Anonymous]

What PP said and said well.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:WTH? You've answered your own question. I am sure you have told your son to pick X number of people to have at his sleepover or go to the game. Other families are doing the same thing and now you want to know why he is excluded. Think about what you just wrote.

Forget the "b-list" nonsense. 2nd grade boys don't think that way. At what point do you think it is ok for OTHER people to invite who they want to birthday parties, though?

Second grade boys don't think that way but some parents DEFINITELY do and make birthday lists accordingly.

I have 3 kids in NW DC, the youngest is now in 3rd. I've seen just about every version of birthday party and playdate "inviting".
-I've seen parents definitely make or tweek or influence the invite lists for their kids all the way through elementary.
-Others will only host play dates with the kids of the "A" list parents.
In this area, parents use their kids to advance their own social ambitions all the time.

Thankfully around 4th grade the kids start to run their own friendships and everything (in my experience with typical and social kids) gets easier. Less parental involvement = much better.

We are in - gasp! - Rockville, and my third-grader has been running her own friendship for a couple of years now. She compiles her own list of birthday party invitees (our parties are smaller now, so the total is no more than 8- 10 kids).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's wrong, OP, and anti-social. Don't let these DCUM posters who only invite "A" list kids to their kids' parties tell you any differently. It's sad when grown people seek to justify their exclusionary behavior and pass these values on to their kids. I would ask the parents who excluded my kid if there's something about him or her that the other kids don't like. That, or I'd take a good hard look at who my kid thinks is his or her best friend.

I can't stand this sort of exclusionary behavior. It starts here and continues into adulthood. People are always seeking ways to make themselves seem better than others.

WTF are you talking about? OP is inviting 2-3 kids to her child's birthday parties. I'm not sure why you or OP think that OP gets to cull her guests list and others don't. I guess it's fine as long as OP's kid is invited.

+1 Totally this. If I'm having a larger party for my kid, after friends, I'm sure to invite kids who have reciprocated a lot of playdates or have invited my kid to their party.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's wrong, OP, and anti-social. Don't let these DCUM posters who only invite "A" list kids to their kids' parties tell you any differently. It's sad when grown people seek to justify their exclusionary behavior and pass these values on to their kids. I would ask the parents who excluded my kid if there's something about him or her that the other kids don't like. That, or I'd take a good hard look at who my kid thinks is his or her best friend.

I can't stand this sort of exclusionary behavior. It starts here and continues into adulthood. People are always seeking ways to make themselves seem better than others.

Seriously? You're going to ask parent if they don't like your kid? That's a really bizarre thing to do, and it's going to be super-awkward for the parents you accost -- which I'm sure will make them very inclined to include your child next time. If you're going to chuck rocks at other people's manners, you might want to step out of the glass house. And what are you going to say if they say that their kid doesn't care for yours? Lecture them on rudeness or realize that you shouldn't ask questions you don't want the answer to?

Parties get smaller as kids age and friendships form. Parties are expensive, and a lot of people don't feel the need to shell out for the $500/pop parties or have an entire class (25-30 kids, at our school) invade their home. It's not always exclusionary or meant to slight.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. The kids he has invited have invited him to their parties (though one of them is the good friend who is thinking about whether to invite him this year). I'm not at all bothered by my son not being invited to small parties. I totally get that. I'm bothered by him not being invited to big parties at the sportsplex or at the laser tag place, etc. For the PP who asked - he doesn't have any classroom behavior issues. For the PP who felt the need to call an 8-year-old "B list or lower," I feel sorry for you.

Even laser tag parties are not that big. My son has years where he is invited to a lot of parties and some where he is not. Kids get to,pick so many friends. Add family friends in and friends from church or other activities and therecreally may not be that many kids in his class invited.

I think this is it. You can't invite the whole team or class to parties at places that have a limited number of spaces. The kids who have had parties at those bigger places probably had other closer friends they wanted, plus family friends.

My DD went to a party where only three other classmates came; the rest were family friends and cousins - more than 8.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's wrong, OP, and anti-social. Don't let these DCUM posters who only invite "A" list kids to their kids' parties tell you any differently. It's sad when grown people seek to justify their exclusionary behavior and pass these values on to their kids. I would ask the parents who excluded my kid if there's something about him or her that the other kids don't like. That, or I'd take a good hard look at who my kid thinks is his or her best friend.

I can't stand this sort of exclusionary behavior. It starts here and continues into adulthood. People are always seeking ways to make themselves seem better than others.

+1

Are you friendly with one of the mom's? If you are, I would just ask. Explain just what you've explained to us. Since it's happened so many times, I have to admit it would bother me too.

some years there are lots of invites, other years just a few. And while I would be nice if no one was excluded, that's not quite realistic. Everyone gets a turn at being excluded and it teaches life lessons. Do keep perspective, keep being positive with your son, and for sure schedule more play dates.

+1

Teach your son to take an active part in facilitating friendships.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:WTH? You've answered your own question. I am sure you have told your son to pick X number of people to have at his sleepover or go to the game. Other families are doing the same thing and now you want to know why he is excluded. Think about what you just wrote.

Forget the "b-list" nonsense. 2nd grade boys don't think that way. At what point do you think it is ok for OTHER people to invite who they want to birthday parties, though?

Second grade boys don't think that way but some parents DEFINITELY do and make birthday lists accordingly.

I have 3 kids in NW DC, the youngest is now in 3rd. I've seen just about every version of birthday party and playdate "inviting".
-I've seen parents definitely make or tweek or influence the invite lists for their kids all the way through elementary.
-Others will only host play dates with the kids of the "A" list parents.
In this area, parents use their kids to advance their own social ambitions all the time.

Thankfully around 4th grade the kids start to run their own friendships and everything (in my experience with typical and social kids) gets easier. Less parental involvement = much better.

We are in - gasp! - Rockville, and my third-grader has been running her own friendship for a couple of years now. She compiles her own list of birthday party invitees (our parties are smaller now, so the total is no more than 8- 10 kids).

Second grade boys might not thing in a way like B-list, BUT they get that a party place allows for 15. They get that you reciprocate inviting kids who have invited you most recently to parties and/or who you are friends with the most. It will likely be the mom who may then say,
"Zava Zone allows for 15 kids. We can invite 15 and if only 12 can come, then we can invite the other 3 you were hoping could also make it." Meaning, a second grader isn't thinking, "Hey, let's put Billy on my b-list," but he understands the concept of a b-list and Billy is nevertheless on the b-list. That's why a lot of evites have the guest lists hidden. No other reason...this way you can't see when the other kids were invited and when they rsvped. (Were they invited 7 days earlier than your kid was or vice versa?)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's wrong, OP, and anti-social. Don't let these DCUM posters who only invite "A" list kids to their kids' parties tell you any differently. It's sad when grown people seek to justify their exclusionary behavior and pass these values on to their kids. I would ask the parents who excluded my kid if there's something about him or her that the other kids don't like. That, or I'd take a good hard look at who my kid thinks is his or her best friend.

I can't stand this sort of exclusionary behavior. It starts here and continues into adulthood. People are always seeking ways to make themselves seem better than others.

Seriously? You're going to ask parent if they don't like your kid? That's a really bizarre thing to do, and it's going to be super-awkward for the parents you accost -- which I'm sure will make them very inclined to include your child next time. If you're going to chuck rocks at other people's manners, you might want to step out of the glass house. And what are you going to say if they say that their kid doesn't care for yours? Lecture them on rudeness or realize that you shouldn't ask questions you don't want the answer to?

Parties get smaller as kids age and friendships form. Parties are expensive, and a lot of people don't feel the need to shell out for the $500/pop parties or have an entire class (25-30 kids, at our school) invade their home. It's not always exclusionary or meant to slight.

Asking parents if your kid didn't get invited because of some specific reason he isn't liked is a great way to get ZERO invites next year.

[Anonymous]

I get it OP. It hurts when you are excluded and to happen to your young kid, it feels personal.
However, if you are selective on who to invite, than you can't expect others to invite your child all the time. If you must know, ask the one that he is closest friend to. Forget about the others, sort off. Foster new friendship which could be a bit challenging because kids start to pair up and verbalize who they do/not like to play with about this age. It could be a reason that make no sense to you.
You might get along with the parents well but the kids might think otherwise or have other interest or ideas about friendships.

I always tell my son, if the other kid is nice, give yourself and him a chance to be your friend and vice versa. If the kid is rude or mean most of the time, don't waste your time there. If he's nice/mean half the time, than there is hope but it doesn't mean you have to copy their rudeness.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:the last two years we only invited 2-3 friends, one year for a sleepover and one year to go to a sporting event

Are you also doing playdates on a regular basis? You don't seem to be doing much of the social work of hosting yet you expect others to host your son.

+1. We dump people who don't reciprocate and would double dump someone who thinks they are entitled to come to our large party when they don't host large parties.
*except special cases. There are some kids who we take care to invite and we know their circumstances

You are just gross.

[Anonymous]

The bigger the school, the fewer the birthday parties.

[Anonymous]

Sorry OP this happens to us too but it's because DS has some behavioral issues due to his diagnosis. I hear you on being hurt for your son. I feel the same way although it doesn't seem to bother DS much and he thinks the kids are his friends. It's awkward to hear about parties and know your kid isn't invited. Recently I got so fed up on a group text about this BBQ that we weren't invited to (the other mom's texting didn't know) that I just called it out and said we weren't invited. I'm sure it would have been better to say nothing and smile, but I've been doing that for so long that I just got tired.

[Anonymous]

I think your feelings are normal, but in this day and time, I wouldn't read too much in your son not getting invited. Birthday parties can get expensive, and we all have to draw the line somewhere. It is hard not to take it personal, though.

Keep encouraging your son to be a good friend to everyone. You said you don't think he notices, so that is a good thing. Life is full of disappointments for parents and children, but we can't dwell on the negative. Keep loving your son and let him know how special he is. God has a special plan for his life!!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'd try an experiment and invite these 10-12 kids you want inviting him to your sons party this year - I'm sure the mom's are prob making in invite lists out of reciprocal party invites.

This. I think it is funny that you host a couple of kids a year and expect your son to be invited every where. Try this or many play dates , I bet he will be included in more parties.

This--when I'm doing a party list for my son, I make a list of the parties he's been invited to, and say to my son. X invited you to his party, should we add him? If another kid has had a birthday party with 2-3 friends and hasn't invited my son, he may not be on my radar screen. If the party place has a 10 person max, it can fill up fast.