Can a marriage counselor actually help with disagreements over discretionary spending?

[Anonymous]

My husband seems to think he is "the decider" (thanks George Bush) when it comes to major expenses. Basically, if he says no, I can argue until I'm hous in the face but short of just doing it against his express wishes, it is a nonstarter.

He makes high income and I SAH for now with small children. We have no debt aside from a reasonable mortgage (our house is worth 3x my husband's annual salary.) We have a lot saved for college and retirement and also emergency funds. But somewhere along the way my husband appointed himself the one who decides if something is worth buying or not. He decides we should travel somewhere, great! HE decides I need a new car, great! But if I say, actually my car is fine could we remodel an old bathroom instead, NO WAY! Because he doesn't agree that is worthy.

I could go on and on, but is this something a counselor could help us work through? Obviously I could go back to work and pay for things with "my" money, but honestly I don't really see him suddenly being ok with these expenditures just because I brought in some of the money. Not to mention that we don't need additional money, by any stretch.

[Anonymous]

This is not about a budget, he controls you. You let him. Tell him you will decide what you want to do then follow through

[Anonymous]

He doesn't respect u as an equal.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My husband seems to think he is "the decider" (thanks George Bush) when it comes to major expenses. Basically, if he says no, I can argue until I'm hous in the face but short of just doing it against his express wishes, it is a nonstarter.

He makes high income and I SAH for now with small children. We have no debt aside from a reasonable mortgage (our house is worth 3x my husband's annual salary.) We have a lot saved for college and retirement and also emergency funds. But somewhere along the way my husband appointed himself the one who decides if something is worth buying or not. He decides we should travel somewhere, great! HE decides I need a new car, great! But if I say, actually my car is fine could we remodel an old bathroom instead, NO WAY! Because he doesn't agree that is worthy.

I could go on and on, but is this something a counselor could help us work through? Obviously I could go back to work and pay for things with "my" money, but honestly I don't really see him suddenly being ok with these expenditures just because I brought in some of the money. Not to mention that we don't need additional money, by any stretch.

Do you do the same when is come to parenting? Have you appointed yourself the person who makes decision about parenting and about what the kids can or can't do or should or shouldn't do?

Either he is just a controlling person, or this is a you make all the decisions bout the kids so I make all the decision about the money dynamic where both people ant to control the part they feel the most ownership of. Then it becomes an I stay home so I decide parenting things and I make the money so I decide budget things.

[Anonymous]

Yes, counseling can help. This isn't about money but about power and control.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yes, counseling can help. This isn't about money but about power and control.

+1

[Anonymous]

Yes, counseling can help. My husband would likely be like that too, if I didnt work, but we do avoid it because I work and if he complains I say - that's why I work, so I have $$ to spend on things I want. We should probably do counseling too, but he doesn't want to go.

[Anonymous]

I make mid six figures wife is SAHM, I could give two sh*ts what she spends money on. We are married it is our money and I trust her. You have bigger issues beyond money.

[Anonymous]

OP here. I know you guys won't believe me, but he's acrually not a bad guy and not controlling in other ways. He doesn't even care about the credit card bills - I buy the clothes I want for myself and the kids, buy random home decor, etc. I have a nice car, we travel well, etc.

But he just doesn't value home improvement at all and I do. We bought a 25 year old home because in the area he wanted to be for commute reasons, that is the age of all the homes. I thought we would slowly upgrade the original stuff but anytime I being something up he acts like I'm being completely unreasonable.

[Anonymous]

Yes, counseling will help you each see what the other values or is afraid of, and agree on ground rules for certain decisions. So for example counseling could address why he doesn't want to do home improvements, or could help you plan to do x updates a year and who is responsible for managing them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I know you guys won't believe me, but he's acrually not a bad guy and not controlling in other ways. He doesn't even care about the credit card bills - I buy the clothes I want for myself and the kids, buy random home decor, etc. I have a nice car, we travel well, etc.

But he just doesn't value home improvement at all and I do. We bought a 25 year old home because in the area he wanted to be for commute reasons, that is the age of all the homes. I thought we would slowly upgrade the original stuff but anytime I being something up he acts like I'm being completely unreasonable.

Just do it and put it on the credit card. Problem solved.

[Anonymous]

Wait but I thought joint finances were the solution to all evils? I thought a marriage can't work without them?

[Anonymous]

Sounds like you guys just have a difference of priorities regarding how your money is spent.

Also it sounds like your husband feels he has the final say in how the money can be spent.

I say he needs to a.) Compromise and b.) Understand that even though he "technically" earns it, it is literally BOTH of your monies at the end of the day.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Wait but I thought joint finances were the solution to all evils? I thought a marriage can't work without them?

They don't have joint finances. joint finances doesn't just mean joint accounts.

[Anonymous]

Ask him why he thinks it's fair that every time you don't agree on a major expense, he gets the final say. Then, depending on his answer, take it from there.